I had about 3 days of freedom... It was short lived. Late last night, around 11 pm I started to bleed again. It was old blood at first, so I thought maybe it was just the old blood coming out. That hope was crushed when it was followed by new red active blood. There wasn't nearly as much new blood as their was the old- but still horrifying. I have probably checked on the babies like 6 times today. Every time their heart rates have been up in the 170's.
So far the bleeding has stopped to the occasional light light spotting.
I am back on bed rest, and back in a dark lonely room where my thoughts begin to go sour. I worry, worry, and worry some more. I cry, and agonize over everything. I miss playing with my son, cooking, cleaning, spending time with Brian. I feel like I am confined, and any false move will stir up the bleeding again. I am on egg shells.
No one really seems to understand how I feel right now which makes it even more lonely.
I truly wish that God could take a human form with me and just hold me for a bit. It aches me that when I am in distress I need Him more. I feel like such a bad daughter. I do need Him though. So so desperately. This pregnancy is proving to be a very very difficult trial and I just cannot wait for these precious ones to reach viability.
Hopefully I can get in for an ultrasound tomorrow for some peace of mind. I know there isn't anything they can do other than reassure me. And honestly, odds are, it will be fine, just a big fat repeat of what happened before. Which is exactly what it looks like.
The weird part? It happened LAST month on the 8th... exactly... I am not looking forward to February the 8th.
Please keep my sanity, but most importantly my babies in your prayers.
Praying for you!
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