If only you'll come...

If Only you'll come...
Little child I wait, I wait with longing for you.
the thought of your tiny hands makes my heart break in two.
tiny baby, if you'll come, if God brings you to me
then I will give you my promise, of these things I will be...
Little child I will hold you all through the night.
Little babe, I will kiss your nose and hold you tight.
If only you'll come these things I promise you...
to love unconditionally, through tears, screams and fights.
To enjoy every moment, every breath of yours with delight.
Little one, if only you'll come, I promise to sing to you every night.
I have your song picked out, and for you it will be just right.
Child, I promise to come to you in the night
I will pick you up gently and make you feel alright.
Little one, I promise to show you God's love
To witness your first foot steps and to savor every hug.
Tiny baby If only you come, I promise to teach you all that i know
I promise to take pictures of you as you grow.
I will be the best mom that I know how to be
I promise you will always be safe with me.
Little one, I'll be patient, I'll be gentle with you.
You'll get many soft kisses, and countless "i love you's"
Little baby, for you I would do anything.
Just to hold you, to smell you, to rock you to sleep.
My child, my child if only you'll come
I promise your daddy will be lot's of fun.
He will teach you cool games and funny new tricks
he will lovingly show you how this crazy world tics.
Your daddy will love you more than any dad could.
He will kiss you at night and tell you that you're good.
He will fix your scraped knees, wipe tears from your eyes
Your daddy will teach you how to be wise.
With his big strong arms he will hold you tight,
with his soft words, you'll know everything's alright.
He will be your hero, and of him you will always be proud.
He will show you the right way to stand out of the crowd.
So hurry child, come to us soon.We promise to take you on many trips to the zoo.
We'll teach you about tigers, big fish and bears.
You will know you are loved and have no other cares.
We promise to love you the best that we can.
We know that for you God has a special plan.
We Wait for you child, all these things we promise and more,
If only you'll come child, if only you'll come...

By: Melissa Holman

Time for another HSG!

blech!!! I am not looking forward to this. I remember how aweful this was. I have even heard women say it is worst than giving birth...
While the pain is aweful, i am excited to have answers. I'm nervous that i possibly have some scarring from my D&C which would explain why conception hasn't happened. And if they are clear as day, then i can rest assured that it trully is just all about timing and I have done everything in my power to be sure that my body is healthy and functioning properly. Regretfully i am using clomid again. I hoped to make the switch to injectible meds this cycle, but we will be ordering them overseas to help with the cost, which in turn takes longer to get here. So this is my last attempt with clomid/iui. When i have my midcycle u/s on the 5th to see how my follicles are growing, they will also teach me how to inject myself with the new hormone therapy for next cycle! I'm really excited about that! that is... if everything turns out ok with the HSG.

my history

Here is my story thus far, I went off birthcontrol in febuary 2006. It took me 5 cycles to realize I wasn't getting a regular menstral cycle anytime soon. So i made an appt. with my ob/gyn. He ran all the basic tests, everything came back normal except my progesterone level. This would be an indication that I was not ovulating... and it's pretty hard to get pregnant if you aren't even popping out an egg!! I began treatment almost immediatly. 5 rounds of clomid, 3 out of the 5 my progesterone indicated i ovulated... still no baby. I switched to a different ovulation induction therapy... Tamoxifen, side effects weren't as bad and i ovulated both cycles I was on it... still no baby. Brian was tested and came back great... Finally decided to do an HSG to check on my uterus and tubes. A+ perfect, passed with flying colors, next it was onto a laporoscopy to rule out endometriosis... Normal!
I stayed off medication for the following cycle. My body needed a break from meds. I actually started a period on my own, and decided to go another cycle with no meds. When my period didn't show up the next cycle, i was so upset that i was going to need medication to start my period again... but God had something else in mind. Little Adriel. WOW was I suprised! I don't think I have ever been happier. I couldn't take my hand off my belly. I was a mom, finally!!! I had a child!!! God is GOOD!!!
I had an ultrasound at 6.5 weeks. Adriel's heart was weak. only 52 bpm. I was terrified. I prayed harder the next two weeks than i ever did in my life. I had a second ultrasound, and to my astonishment Adriel was growing and had a heart beat of 160 bpm!!! The doctor said it looked like a healthy baby! a big sigh of relief. I had my 11 week ultrasound, I was so excited to hear the heart beat again, but this time there was none... My face was drained of all color and
nausea overtook me. within the next couple of days they performed a D&C and took my baby away. Although I know little Adriel is in heaven now hoggin' Jesus' lap until I get up there to hold him, the pain of living without him is suffocating. I know for some this is difficult to understand, but it trully is a loss.
The healing process was unbearable, every night i relived this horrible event and woke up in a sweat. I don't think i need to explain how horrible it was, and still is. My baby was gone. My hopes and dreams for that child died as well, and my arms were empty.
I finally started my period January 1st 2008 clean slate. I was sure that I would be pregnant again in no time! 5 perfect cycles came and went... still no baby. I was slowly loosing patience... it was time to see an expert. We made an appt to see an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) He ran some tests, did an ultrasound and discovered right away that I have a condition called PCOS. It was hard to diagnose because I really only have 3 of the symptoms, and the most common ones are obeisity (certainly not) excess hair (nope!) insulin resistance.. and so on.
The treatment is simple, but can take time. They say that women with PCOS will most likely have children if they want them... it just takes longer.
I went back on clomid, a stronger dose. They did an ultrasound and saw that it was working, my ovaries were developing eggs as they should. They recommended an IUI artificial insemination due to the poor side effects the clomid causes with cervical mucas. We followed this proticol for 3 cycles. Each cycle i ovulated, each cycle was timed well.... still no baby...
Which brings us to now... Where will I go from here?

Here we go!

So I've started a blog... Mostly because I love to write and when i say "write" i really mean, journal. It helps me to organize my thoughts. But this blog is going to be mainly focused around our efforts to start a family and all the obsticles we get tangled in on the way. While i hate the word "Infertility"... that is the word our world uses to define when a woman is unable to conceive with in one year of unprotected sex. It feels like lable... a scarlet letter stitched on your chest, but I think it's important to be open about my struggles and feelings, so that we don't feel alone, because "infertility" is a very lonely dark road to travel and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The only pain I have ever known to be deeper would be the loss of my child... but I'll get to that later...
Since I'm putting myself out there and allowing you into my life please remember to be gentle with your words. I have had countless things said to me that have caused deep pain, and on their behalf, they didn't know what they said was hurtful... so for the record I will give you an example of things you just DON'T say to a woman struggling with "infertility"...

"You should adopt and then you'd get pregnant."
"This must be the will of God for your life."
"You're trying too hard, it should just happen."
"Stress is causing it"
"You just need to *relax* and you'll get pregnant."
“Go on vacation and you’ll get pregnant.”
"I'd give you mine if I could"
"You are so lucky not to have kids right now, because you can just do whatever you want whenever you want"
"There Are Worse Things That Could Happen"
"If it's meant to be it'll happen."
"You should just get drunk and have sex"

this could go on forever....
Sometimes the best comfort is no words at all... because trust me, if it has been written, published, or googled, I have heard it, and probably tried it lol.

While i try not to use abbrieviation too often they slip out, especially around those who have no clue what any of them mean, here is a short list of the ones I use most often...
TTC- trying to conceive
M/C- miscarraige
D/C- surgery to remove dead baby
HSG- diagnostic procedure to determine the state of a woman's uterus and tubes
U/S- Ultrasound
Follies- follicles
HCG- pregnancy hormone
AF- period
BD- baby dancing :)
DH- Dear husband
IUI- intra uterine insemination
O- ovulate
RE- fertility specialist
DPO- days past ovulation



that should be enough for now. So let me take you on a tour of my life. Let me share with you the pain of my trials and the joys.