A woman in an online forum that I frequent at Justmommies.com in the trying to conceive with medical assistance board (a wonderful place for support) found this fabulous website that really hits home with those struggling with infertility. If you, or anyone you know struggles, check this out :)
I want to highlight a few of the articles/ blogs for you. The ones I found most touching:
This one discusses the myth that you cannot pursue treatment (infertility) and consider yourself a believer-
http://infertility.about.com/b/2011/04/28/myth-you-cannot-pursue-treatment-and-consider-yourself-a-believerreligious.htm
This one talks about the myth that says "infertility is God's way of saying you shouldn't have children"
http://sadie607.blogspot.com/2011/04/myth-infertility-is-gods-way-of-saying.html
And the last myth buster : Christians shouldn't seek help with infertility
http://gratefulforgigglinggirls.blogspot.com/2011/04/myth-buster-christians-shouldnt-seek.html
I am so thankful to see women of the Lord being OPEN with their struggles, and even more thankful to see other people becoming educated through the process!
Here is the link to the full website:
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/bust-a-myth-blog-submissions.html
My boys
Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Ronan's new sand box
I hope everyone had a fabulous Easter, celebrating the most crucial part of the Christian faith!! Christ's resurrection! Here is a picture of Ronan with his Grammy (my mom)
Brian and I have been renovating the backyard to make it a little more... Ronan Friendly :) when we moved in, it was beautiful, but mostly beautiful to LOOK at. Ronan would get little scratches from the rose bushes, and there wasn't much grass for him to play in.
Here are a couple of pictures of it last summer
We dug up all the gravel pathways and are going to be laying sod/ grass over it ALLLL!!! That won't happen until this weekend though. SO for now my back yard looks like a big dirt pile :)
OH except for the fabulous sandbox
It really turned out fabulous! I love it, and more importantly so does RONAN!
My sister, her husband and her son, Gideon (who is only 9 months younger than Ronan) will be moving 4 MINUTES from our house is only 16 days! So it will be getting a lot of use in the summer :)
On another note- I messaged one of the Embryologists that used to work for ORM, she now is an Embryologist in Australia. We are friends on FB and I was asking her what she thought about possibly switching from IUI to IVF- asking her opinion and she had some really encouraging thigs to say:
"you are better off doing IVF in terms of a money worth investment at this point, an IUI would eventually work but you have to ask yourself which one? The 4th or the 10th and how far will you go before youve spent as much as an IVF cycle would cost?
Because of your age you've got an EXTREMELY good chance of becoming pregnant, I would say about 80% with ivf."
"your success would be better with 2 embryos transferred but you'd have a 50/50% chance of a twin and so with an 80% preg rate that would be quite high. Some people want to do 2 to get the best chance (most people) but there's A LOT of twins with IVF especially with your age."
"There's not too much you can do at home, the good news is that you've been pregnant and you are so young... both things are extremely good indicators of success.. because your fertility issue is hormonal it's just a matter of getting the right balance and reducing those hormones we don;t want and giving you the ones we do want.
PCO is good in a way becasue you have a great response to the stim meds and just need a low dose, sometimes the embryos quality is a bit lower with PCO and so that's why I think you should fertilize 6 eggs and not just 2, then freeze the rest of your mature eggs to be used as needed"
She was really sweet answering all my questions and telling me I could write to her ANY time. I feel so blessed for the people God has brought along side us :)
Brian and I have been renovating the backyard to make it a little more... Ronan Friendly :) when we moved in, it was beautiful, but mostly beautiful to LOOK at. Ronan would get little scratches from the rose bushes, and there wasn't much grass for him to play in.
Here are a couple of pictures of it last summer
We dug up all the gravel pathways and are going to be laying sod/ grass over it ALLLL!!! That won't happen until this weekend though. SO for now my back yard looks like a big dirt pile :)
OH except for the fabulous sandbox
It really turned out fabulous! I love it, and more importantly so does RONAN!
My sister, her husband and her son, Gideon (who is only 9 months younger than Ronan) will be moving 4 MINUTES from our house is only 16 days! So it will be getting a lot of use in the summer :)
On another note- I messaged one of the Embryologists that used to work for ORM, she now is an Embryologist in Australia. We are friends on FB and I was asking her what she thought about possibly switching from IUI to IVF- asking her opinion and she had some really encouraging thigs to say:
"you are better off doing IVF in terms of a money worth investment at this point, an IUI would eventually work but you have to ask yourself which one? The 4th or the 10th and how far will you go before youve spent as much as an IVF cycle would cost?
Because of your age you've got an EXTREMELY good chance of becoming pregnant, I would say about 80% with ivf."
"your success would be better with 2 embryos transferred but you'd have a 50/50% chance of a twin and so with an 80% preg rate that would be quite high. Some people want to do 2 to get the best chance (most people) but there's A LOT of twins with IVF especially with your age."
"There's not too much you can do at home, the good news is that you've been pregnant and you are so young... both things are extremely good indicators of success.. because your fertility issue is hormonal it's just a matter of getting the right balance and reducing those hormones we don;t want and giving you the ones we do want.
PCO is good in a way becasue you have a great response to the stim meds and just need a low dose, sometimes the embryos quality is a bit lower with PCO and so that's why I think you should fertilize 6 eggs and not just 2, then freeze the rest of your mature eggs to be used as needed"
She was really sweet answering all my questions and telling me I could write to her ANY time. I feel so blessed for the people God has brought along side us :)
Friday, April 22, 2011
The other side needs to be heard...
I have been doing a lot of research about IVF lately. I wanted to be prepared, knowledgeable, and SURE that this is where God was leading us and not just something I wanted.
There are some pretty crazy assumptions out there- by Christians too! There are also a lot of good questions and concerns too.
I want to start with some of the assumptions that I have encountered.
Assumption #1
*Every couple using IVF will have left over embryos that will be discarded. They are essentially just picking the best ones to put back in, and killing the rest.
NO. couples are lucky if they have any embryos left- most couples choose to have them frozen so that they can come back in a year or two and have them put back into their womb- yeah, that may sound weird and very science fiction, but it certainly isn't a sin. It's just not the "norm"
There ARE some couples that choose to adopt their embryos out. And sadly yes, there are some people who enter IVF with only wanting one more child- (my RE does not recommend that). And sometimes they do choose to discard their babies- just like abortion, or donate to science. It breaks my heart that people make that choice. Just like it pains me when mothers have abortions, or murder their own children after birth. It's horrific and yes, a sin.
However- there are couples who love and cherish each and every embryo and it is not fair to put them in the same catagory.
Assumption #2
Couples using IVF are picking and choosing the genetics of their child so they can have the best bred children.
I have never heard of this lol. But I have been seeing it a lot on the web- I don't know, maybe some do, but I have never heard of it!
Assumption #3
If you have IVF and end up with twins or more, the IVF couple will choose fetal reduction.
That is just an awful thing to say, and is a horrible assumption. Most couples pursuing IVF are thankful for whatever they get. Dr's usually only transfer a max of 2 embryos anyway. However, once again, SOME couples decided they do not want multiples- some reduce to save the other babies, or to reduce risk of harm to other babies. When we started the IUI process to conceive Ronan we had to sign a waver that discussed fetal reduction stating that it was not an option for us.
Assumption #4
Christians turning to medical help/ fertility treatment are "turning to science" and not trusting God.
I cannot speak for every Christian on this. However I firmly believe God has helped us develop science to save lives, cure diseases, treat and heal people. Why is infertility any different? YES science can be used for bad, but that isn't just limited to the IVF world.
It is arrogant to think that we could take the power of creating lives from the Almighty. He is the only one who can breath life... No science can ever change that. IVF can be a beautiful solution to infertility that still requires complete trust in the Lord.
Assumption #5 Couples struggling with infertility are meant to adopt.
This is so confusing to me. I believe God specifically calls couples to adopt. I think adoption is beautiful and every Christian should consider this. But if God isn't putting it on your heart, or not giving you that passion, then that is okay. It would be unfortunate to the child if we simply adopted out of obligation.
Wanting a biological child is not a sin either. Just because an infertile couple is wanting to believe they can overcome this disease and carry their own child, doesn't make them selfish.
Infertility is a disease. A disease that happened because of the fall of man. Just as Cancer is, and any other sickness...
Are we then not trusting God if we seek, or "turn to science" for treatment for our well being?
Is the man with cancer who has been told he only has months to live doomed to die because of the cancer? Should he only pray for God to heal him? Is he sinning if he uses intervention? NO! God uses intelligent minds to develop science to cure and save lives according to His will.
And if the argument for IVF is population control, and the growing need for homes for orphans, then why then would the solution to this fall on the infertile couples? Does this mean that all "infertile" couples are doomed to never experience the joys of pregnancy and childbirth? That since for whatever reason, they can't naturally conceive they are now responsible for finding homes for children? Why shouldn't they fight the disease? Why shouldn't they get a chance to experience God's glory in reproduction? As long as the couple is still respecting the value of life, why shouldn't they fight for the chance to reproduce?
If that is the argument, then any reproduction at all could be considered selfish, and why not put a cap on all families and reproduction, requiring everyone to adopt. It sounds ridiculous because it is.
The point I am trying to make here is that the art of IVF, the science of it, is NOT a sin, but CAN be used sinfully. However there IS a way to honor the Lord during this process. The women who love the Lord, and who happen to be infertile, shouldn't be shamed for wanting to seek treatment for their disease. They shouldn't feel like their only option is to adopt- however should God call her to it, she will be blessed! Should her desire and longing continue, it is okay to find out her options medically, then prayerfully consider her next steps. Keeping God in the dr's office and involved in every aspect is crucial.
Should Brian and I choose to use IVF, you better believe that we will be praying and doing everything we can to honor GOD through the process, listening to HIS voice, and trusting HIS plan. We will love each little life that God allows us to create between husband and wife, and wait with anticipation to have them join our family.
I want to include certain things about IVF that DO raise concerns to me personally as a Bible believing Christian.
I believe that IVF should be between a husband and wife. That the egg should be hers and the sperm should be his. As I have mentioned before, I believe that ALL life begins at conception and should be respected. Every life created between the husband and wife should have a chance at life and be placed back in the wife's womb.
I praise God for IVF, I praise God for adoption, I praise God for natural conception because life is a gift, children are blessings.
There are some pretty crazy assumptions out there- by Christians too! There are also a lot of good questions and concerns too.
I want to start with some of the assumptions that I have encountered.
Assumption #1
*Every couple using IVF will have left over embryos that will be discarded. They are essentially just picking the best ones to put back in, and killing the rest.
NO. couples are lucky if they have any embryos left- most couples choose to have them frozen so that they can come back in a year or two and have them put back into their womb- yeah, that may sound weird and very science fiction, but it certainly isn't a sin. It's just not the "norm"
There ARE some couples that choose to adopt their embryos out. And sadly yes, there are some people who enter IVF with only wanting one more child- (my RE does not recommend that). And sometimes they do choose to discard their babies- just like abortion, or donate to science. It breaks my heart that people make that choice. Just like it pains me when mothers have abortions, or murder their own children after birth. It's horrific and yes, a sin.
However- there are couples who love and cherish each and every embryo and it is not fair to put them in the same catagory.
Assumption #2
Couples using IVF are picking and choosing the genetics of their child so they can have the best bred children.
I have never heard of this lol. But I have been seeing it a lot on the web- I don't know, maybe some do, but I have never heard of it!
Assumption #3
If you have IVF and end up with twins or more, the IVF couple will choose fetal reduction.
That is just an awful thing to say, and is a horrible assumption. Most couples pursuing IVF are thankful for whatever they get. Dr's usually only transfer a max of 2 embryos anyway. However, once again, SOME couples decided they do not want multiples- some reduce to save the other babies, or to reduce risk of harm to other babies. When we started the IUI process to conceive Ronan we had to sign a waver that discussed fetal reduction stating that it was not an option for us.
Assumption #4
Christians turning to medical help/ fertility treatment are "turning to science" and not trusting God.
I cannot speak for every Christian on this. However I firmly believe God has helped us develop science to save lives, cure diseases, treat and heal people. Why is infertility any different? YES science can be used for bad, but that isn't just limited to the IVF world.
It is arrogant to think that we could take the power of creating lives from the Almighty. He is the only one who can breath life... No science can ever change that. IVF can be a beautiful solution to infertility that still requires complete trust in the Lord.
Assumption #5 Couples struggling with infertility are meant to adopt.
This is so confusing to me. I believe God specifically calls couples to adopt. I think adoption is beautiful and every Christian should consider this. But if God isn't putting it on your heart, or not giving you that passion, then that is okay. It would be unfortunate to the child if we simply adopted out of obligation.
Wanting a biological child is not a sin either. Just because an infertile couple is wanting to believe they can overcome this disease and carry their own child, doesn't make them selfish.
Infertility is a disease. A disease that happened because of the fall of man. Just as Cancer is, and any other sickness...
Are we then not trusting God if we seek, or "turn to science" for treatment for our well being?
Is the man with cancer who has been told he only has months to live doomed to die because of the cancer? Should he only pray for God to heal him? Is he sinning if he uses intervention? NO! God uses intelligent minds to develop science to cure and save lives according to His will.
And if the argument for IVF is population control, and the growing need for homes for orphans, then why then would the solution to this fall on the infertile couples? Does this mean that all "infertile" couples are doomed to never experience the joys of pregnancy and childbirth? That since for whatever reason, they can't naturally conceive they are now responsible for finding homes for children? Why shouldn't they fight the disease? Why shouldn't they get a chance to experience God's glory in reproduction? As long as the couple is still respecting the value of life, why shouldn't they fight for the chance to reproduce?
If that is the argument, then any reproduction at all could be considered selfish, and why not put a cap on all families and reproduction, requiring everyone to adopt. It sounds ridiculous because it is.
The point I am trying to make here is that the art of IVF, the science of it, is NOT a sin, but CAN be used sinfully. However there IS a way to honor the Lord during this process. The women who love the Lord, and who happen to be infertile, shouldn't be shamed for wanting to seek treatment for their disease. They shouldn't feel like their only option is to adopt- however should God call her to it, she will be blessed! Should her desire and longing continue, it is okay to find out her options medically, then prayerfully consider her next steps. Keeping God in the dr's office and involved in every aspect is crucial.
Should Brian and I choose to use IVF, you better believe that we will be praying and doing everything we can to honor GOD through the process, listening to HIS voice, and trusting HIS plan. We will love each little life that God allows us to create between husband and wife, and wait with anticipation to have them join our family.
I want to include certain things about IVF that DO raise concerns to me personally as a Bible believing Christian.
I believe that IVF should be between a husband and wife. That the egg should be hers and the sperm should be his. As I have mentioned before, I believe that ALL life begins at conception and should be respected. Every life created between the husband and wife should have a chance at life and be placed back in the wife's womb.
I praise God for IVF, I praise God for adoption, I praise God for natural conception because life is a gift, children are blessings.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Appt with Dr. B
I am home from our discussion with Dr. B :) It went really well. He basically started off by reviewing my last couple of cycles and how my response has differed drastically. He mentioned that we could do a couple different things. We could slow it down and move back to only 1 amp (I was taking 2) and stretch out the cycle a little longer and try to just get 1 or 2 good eggs. He feels confidant that after 5 or 6 iui's I would conceive again. The problem- that isn't cheap and would equal out the the amount that we would end up spending for the IVF. Another problem are the odds, the last problem is the emotional aspect. It is a very draining process with many emotional rollercoasters. I honestly am not sure I could psychologically handle that process much more.
The other option is ofcourse IVF. We discussed the success rates- which at our clinic are 72% live birth rate- this is considering all women who are under 35 years of age and under. I asked him about my specific odds given that I am only 25 and have had 2 pregnancies. One of those being a healthy live birth. He said my odds are definitely higher given those advantages.
He is very optomistic that the first attempt would take- but he ofcourse cannot give any 100% guarantees. For some reason or another embryos may not take, just as it happens to women alot of the time everyday. Woman can conceive and may never even know it. There is about a 20% chance of failure. Worst case scenario he gave me a 97% chance of success by the third try- given my history. He is very much a numbers man.
We discussed the ethics of the situation too. We discussed our faith and the importance of the care for our embryos. How we consider life to be so very precious and need for all our "children" to be shown the most respect possible during this procedure. I know it isn't anyone's first choice or ideal situation. I know some people may or may not agree with it. The important thing is how Brian and I feel about it, and that we bring it before our Lord, and that is something that we are doing daily and will continue to do through out this entire processes.
I am blessed to have wonderful family who loves the Lord supporting us every step of the way. I am so thankful for that.
The tenative plan is to start some bloodwork and tests around the end of August, then start birthcontrol (weird right? it's to supress the ovaries before stimulation) then possibly lupron (also a supressant) THEN start the stims around the end of September, for an October retreival.
I asked him over and over if this is what he thought was the BEST protocal (I really trust my doctor) and he is very encouraged about our desicion. He and his wife also struggled with infertility and recently had twins. He understands the highs and lows, the scary parts and exciting parts, so I really feel like I can trust him- espcially since he is willing to go back and do more iui's and wasn't pushing for the IVF- just very relieved we were ready for it.
His optomism had me really really excited. My only fear is the failure. I am so afraid of failing. It would be even harder now because I would know that those perfect little embryos are alive going in... It would feel like a miscarriage. I am just going to have to surrender all of this over to the Lord and trust that HE will manage my entire cycle, yes Dr. B will be there doing his thing... But I am going to have my Heavenly Father orchestrating all of the events.
Until August I am off all meds and praying for a miracle :)
The other option is ofcourse IVF. We discussed the success rates- which at our clinic are 72% live birth rate- this is considering all women who are under 35 years of age and under. I asked him about my specific odds given that I am only 25 and have had 2 pregnancies. One of those being a healthy live birth. He said my odds are definitely higher given those advantages.
He is very optomistic that the first attempt would take- but he ofcourse cannot give any 100% guarantees. For some reason or another embryos may not take, just as it happens to women alot of the time everyday. Woman can conceive and may never even know it. There is about a 20% chance of failure. Worst case scenario he gave me a 97% chance of success by the third try- given my history. He is very much a numbers man.
We discussed the ethics of the situation too. We discussed our faith and the importance of the care for our embryos. How we consider life to be so very precious and need for all our "children" to be shown the most respect possible during this procedure. I know it isn't anyone's first choice or ideal situation. I know some people may or may not agree with it. The important thing is how Brian and I feel about it, and that we bring it before our Lord, and that is something that we are doing daily and will continue to do through out this entire processes.
I am blessed to have wonderful family who loves the Lord supporting us every step of the way. I am so thankful for that.
The tenative plan is to start some bloodwork and tests around the end of August, then start birthcontrol (weird right? it's to supress the ovaries before stimulation) then possibly lupron (also a supressant) THEN start the stims around the end of September, for an October retreival.
I asked him over and over if this is what he thought was the BEST protocal (I really trust my doctor) and he is very encouraged about our desicion. He and his wife also struggled with infertility and recently had twins. He understands the highs and lows, the scary parts and exciting parts, so I really feel like I can trust him- espcially since he is willing to go back and do more iui's and wasn't pushing for the IVF- just very relieved we were ready for it.
His optomism had me really really excited. My only fear is the failure. I am so afraid of failing. It would be even harder now because I would know that those perfect little embryos are alive going in... It would feel like a miscarriage. I am just going to have to surrender all of this over to the Lord and trust that HE will manage my entire cycle, yes Dr. B will be there doing his thing... But I am going to have my Heavenly Father orchestrating all of the events.
Until August I am off all meds and praying for a miracle :)
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Trust, wait, give it away...
With a heavy heart and emotions running high, I search for you
I am isolated and scared, I am anxious and fearful.
I distract myself with e-mails, movies, and cleaning.
an impatient boy cries for my attention, his eyes pleading for more stories.
I sit with my son and read him endless books. We play puppets and stack towers.
Again my heart rings out unexpectedly. I thought I had pushed that ache out!
I stuff it back down and silently ask for peace, as I do so, more emotions come.
My eyes are now stinging and I want nothing more than a quiet room.
A room to scream, cry and be held by you.
Somewhere dark, where I can fall on my knees and worship.
I am verging on hysteria, my tears can't be held back much longer.
I hold my son, smell his hair, rocking him as long as I can before he wiggles away.
In those brief moments of snuggle time I thank my Lord for that gift,
then the panging returns and my heart is aching now more than ever.
When will I be gifted again? Will I ever nurse another child?
Will I ever feel that movement again in my womb?
I worry about failing, our finances. My mind takes dark turns...
I blame myself for this disease, I think if my husband had married anyone else,
SHE certainly would be able to fill this void.
Am I not good enough? Am I not a good enough mother? a good enough wife?
Worst of all... am I not a good enough Christian? Is this punishment?
I am now in a really dark place and all I feel is shame.
All I desire is to be a mother of children, it's the way I have always been...
You made me this way Lord, You created me to love children,
to desire to nurse them, care for them, respect them and raise them in Your name.
Why then is achieving this goal so hard? Why then is it running me to the ground?
Why is this trial threatening to steal the joy out of my life?
Better yet, why do I allow it to?
Silence...
"Trust me".... Okay. But how do I do that?...."wait".... How long do I have to wait?
more silence.
God please just give me peace. Please meet me here right now, this very moment! Please wrap your arms around me and give me the strength to trust Your plan. I am a sinner and want to control everything. I want to have everything planned out MY WAY. I want to know what will happen, and I want it to happen soon...
"give it to Me" ....
That is a lot to ask Lord...
I am giving that desire to control to you, every day if I have to. I love You more than my desire to have more children. I choose YOU. I choose to be thankful everyday for my husband, I choose to be thankful for my son. I choose LIFE and I know that you know my heart's desires.
I know I need to stop worrying Lord, I know I need to trust you and wait on You. I know that you are going to use this for good for YOUR glory in YOUR time. All I need to do is trust, wait and give it to you. I will do that Lord, I will do it because I love You.
I will never give up, I will never give in. I won't allow myself to wander those dark paths. I choose you. I choose life.
Thank you for being my God, for giving your son to die for us that we may have eternal life in Heaven with you.
You are so good God. Mysterious... but always good.
I am isolated and scared, I am anxious and fearful.
I distract myself with e-mails, movies, and cleaning.
an impatient boy cries for my attention, his eyes pleading for more stories.
I sit with my son and read him endless books. We play puppets and stack towers.
Again my heart rings out unexpectedly. I thought I had pushed that ache out!
I stuff it back down and silently ask for peace, as I do so, more emotions come.
My eyes are now stinging and I want nothing more than a quiet room.
A room to scream, cry and be held by you.
Somewhere dark, where I can fall on my knees and worship.
I am verging on hysteria, my tears can't be held back much longer.
I hold my son, smell his hair, rocking him as long as I can before he wiggles away.
In those brief moments of snuggle time I thank my Lord for that gift,
then the panging returns and my heart is aching now more than ever.
When will I be gifted again? Will I ever nurse another child?
Will I ever feel that movement again in my womb?
I worry about failing, our finances. My mind takes dark turns...
I blame myself for this disease, I think if my husband had married anyone else,
SHE certainly would be able to fill this void.
Am I not good enough? Am I not a good enough mother? a good enough wife?
Worst of all... am I not a good enough Christian? Is this punishment?
I am now in a really dark place and all I feel is shame.
All I desire is to be a mother of children, it's the way I have always been...
You made me this way Lord, You created me to love children,
to desire to nurse them, care for them, respect them and raise them in Your name.
Why then is achieving this goal so hard? Why then is it running me to the ground?
Why is this trial threatening to steal the joy out of my life?
Better yet, why do I allow it to?
Silence...
"Trust me".... Okay. But how do I do that?...."wait".... How long do I have to wait?
more silence.
God please just give me peace. Please meet me here right now, this very moment! Please wrap your arms around me and give me the strength to trust Your plan. I am a sinner and want to control everything. I want to have everything planned out MY WAY. I want to know what will happen, and I want it to happen soon...
"give it to Me" ....
That is a lot to ask Lord...
I am giving that desire to control to you, every day if I have to. I love You more than my desire to have more children. I choose YOU. I choose to be thankful everyday for my husband, I choose to be thankful for my son. I choose LIFE and I know that you know my heart's desires.
I know I need to stop worrying Lord, I know I need to trust you and wait on You. I know that you are going to use this for good for YOUR glory in YOUR time. All I need to do is trust, wait and give it to you. I will do that Lord, I will do it because I love You.
I will never give up, I will never give in. I won't allow myself to wander those dark paths. I choose you. I choose life.
Thank you for being my God, for giving your son to die for us that we may have eternal life in Heaven with you.
You are so good God. Mysterious... but always good.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Poor Brian
My husband was in a car wreck yesterday morning. It wasn't too serious- but the guy rear ended him going about 35-25 miles an hour. Brian was at a yellow light- turning red, the guy behind him some how thought they were both gonna make the yellow?
Needless to say we spent 6 hours in the hospital. Ronan was such a good boy. He loves wandering the halls and showing his toys to all the older ladies haha. I think he thinks they are all "grammas"
Brian was a good sport, he even let me snap some shots of him in the hospital... ok, "let me" isn't quite so accurate. He couldn't really do anything about it hehe, and I figure that I have been stuck in a hospital gown more times than I can count, so it was only fair that I capture this magic moment
Here is a very tired Ronan. He napped on me for an hour and a half- I was in heaven. He rarely snuggles like that very often anymore. It was bliss :)
don't mind my sloppy pony tail and look of exhaustion lol
Brian is really hurting today. He has had to wear a neck brace all day. I don't know what they call it, but the xray showed that at the nape of his neck the curve that is supposed to be facing one way, is now facing the opposite because of the damage to his soft tissue. Thank goodness for insurance. The guy that hit Brian was really nice and cooperative and he haven't had any problems working with them yet- Praise God! I am so thankful it wasn't that bad!!
He has to be off work until Monday where he will be reevaluated. Until then, we are enjoying some family time and taking it easy. We went to the zoo today with my parents and that was really fun.
As for TTC, I started AF and am currently on CD 4. I was so tempted to do the estroven/ soy stuff this cycle, but I really feel like God is telling me to just lay low. Let my ovaries have a break.
I am spending my time really being thankful for my little Ronan, and enjoying my life where it is now.
I would LOVE to just jump right into IVF right now but I also feel called to try for a couple months on our own first. I really feel like we are being led to IVF, and I am becoming more and more comfortable and excited about it. I have spent the better part of the last week really really praying, and speaking with God about it. Taking time to work through all the ethics of it and being sure this is where God is leading me- allowing me to take advantage of this tool. I also want to feel set financially, and I want time to prepare my body and get it in the best place possible before IVF.
It's looking like we will probably get things started around August :)
Until then, I am taking this cycle off, then will be doing everything in my power to get pg naturally with the soy/ lemon water/ geritol thing :)
Needless to say we spent 6 hours in the hospital. Ronan was such a good boy. He loves wandering the halls and showing his toys to all the older ladies haha. I think he thinks they are all "grammas"
Brian was a good sport, he even let me snap some shots of him in the hospital... ok, "let me" isn't quite so accurate. He couldn't really do anything about it hehe, and I figure that I have been stuck in a hospital gown more times than I can count, so it was only fair that I capture this magic moment
Here is a very tired Ronan. He napped on me for an hour and a half- I was in heaven. He rarely snuggles like that very often anymore. It was bliss :)
don't mind my sloppy pony tail and look of exhaustion lol
Brian is really hurting today. He has had to wear a neck brace all day. I don't know what they call it, but the xray showed that at the nape of his neck the curve that is supposed to be facing one way, is now facing the opposite because of the damage to his soft tissue. Thank goodness for insurance. The guy that hit Brian was really nice and cooperative and he haven't had any problems working with them yet- Praise God! I am so thankful it wasn't that bad!!
He has to be off work until Monday where he will be reevaluated. Until then, we are enjoying some family time and taking it easy. We went to the zoo today with my parents and that was really fun.
As for TTC, I started AF and am currently on CD 4. I was so tempted to do the estroven/ soy stuff this cycle, but I really feel like God is telling me to just lay low. Let my ovaries have a break.
I am spending my time really being thankful for my little Ronan, and enjoying my life where it is now.
I would LOVE to just jump right into IVF right now but I also feel called to try for a couple months on our own first. I really feel like we are being led to IVF, and I am becoming more and more comfortable and excited about it. I have spent the better part of the last week really really praying, and speaking with God about it. Taking time to work through all the ethics of it and being sure this is where God is leading me- allowing me to take advantage of this tool. I also want to feel set financially, and I want time to prepare my body and get it in the best place possible before IVF.
It's looking like we will probably get things started around August :)
Until then, I am taking this cycle off, then will be doing everything in my power to get pg naturally with the soy/ lemon water/ geritol thing :)
Monday, April 4, 2011
break time...
Test results came back negative, no big surprise there.
I was able to meet with my RE's nurse, and that was really helpful. She told me that we could go ahead and do the 4th IUI, but my odds for success would be the same. Around 20% at most. And those IUI's aren't cheap. Plus, the way I have been responding to the meds make it really risky to do the IUI's (due to high order multiples) but in turn, make me an ideal candidate for IVF.
I told her about my faith. That I am a Christian, so in doing this, every embryo that was conceived would be a life to us, and would need to be put back at some time or another. We could never leave any behind or "discard" any. She told me that she completely understood and saw this as an excellent way to build our family. She knows we want to have a large family and thinks that I have the highest chance for success given my age, and that I have been pregnant twice, with one live healthy baby to show for it.
Oregon Reproductive has a 70% success rate for anyone 35 and under. I am 25, so I feel pretty good about those odds.
So anyway, I got all my questions answered, and Brian and I have some time set up for next week to talk with my actual RE about IVF.
We are taking a few months off of medicine all together to let my ovaries recover and to prepare our finances, so that will be nice.
In the mean time we will be trying naturally, and praying for continue guidance. We are so thankful that there is medicine to help those that have diseases, and struggle to build much longed for families. We thank God for the opportunities He has provided for us, and the blessings he has already given us.
I was able to meet with my RE's nurse, and that was really helpful. She told me that we could go ahead and do the 4th IUI, but my odds for success would be the same. Around 20% at most. And those IUI's aren't cheap. Plus, the way I have been responding to the meds make it really risky to do the IUI's (due to high order multiples) but in turn, make me an ideal candidate for IVF.
I told her about my faith. That I am a Christian, so in doing this, every embryo that was conceived would be a life to us, and would need to be put back at some time or another. We could never leave any behind or "discard" any. She told me that she completely understood and saw this as an excellent way to build our family. She knows we want to have a large family and thinks that I have the highest chance for success given my age, and that I have been pregnant twice, with one live healthy baby to show for it.
Oregon Reproductive has a 70% success rate for anyone 35 and under. I am 25, so I feel pretty good about those odds.
So anyway, I got all my questions answered, and Brian and I have some time set up for next week to talk with my actual RE about IVF.
We are taking a few months off of medicine all together to let my ovaries recover and to prepare our finances, so that will be nice.
In the mean time we will be trying naturally, and praying for continue guidance. We are so thankful that there is medicine to help those that have diseases, and struggle to build much longed for families. We thank God for the opportunities He has provided for us, and the blessings he has already given us.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
heart broken...
I don't even know where to begin.
I took a test last night 10 DPO. Brian and I stared at the test together in the bathroom as we watched the dye move across the result window. We saw a tiny shadow pop up, and then it got lighter and lighter. It was barely there but we both saw it. We held it up to the light and saw it. I allowed myself to get cautiously excited. When I went back to look at it later I didn't see the line anymore, and when I held up unused tests to the light I saw a vaguely similar shadow. My heart sunk and I prayed that this morning I would be pleasantly surprised with a darker line... Nothing. We were visiting family in WA for the weekend and it was the worst place to have to grieve.
I couldn't find anywhere to be alone. There were so many people there. My wonderful and loving mother in law held me in her arms and cried with me. My sweet sister in law also gave me words of encouragement and hugs... I felt loved, and blessed, but still so so hurt.
I felt so MANY things. Shame for my body failing again, embarrassment that I LET myself get briefly excited, fear for what would happen next, angry that God gave peace to Brian, my mom, and mother in law that THIS was the cycle. And angry that I felt God was leading my heart that way too. I felt betrayed. I felt deep loss and frustration.
My head started hurting and I think I got emotional whiplash :/ We called our RE to find out if we could talk tomorrow (when we get our blood test to confirm) about where to go next. ONLY to find out that my doctor is away until the 18th. *sigh*
The nurse will be there tomorrow and hopefully I will get my questions out there, and REALLY hopefully get some reassurance. I am planning on taking a short break. I don't want to move forward without my dr. As much as it sucks to wait, he is worth waiting for.
I never would've thought that building my family would be such hard work. I never knew how much faith it was going to require. I was NOT prepared for the fight it would take, and would take OUT of me, but I don't give up easy. Especially when it is a desire given to me from God. My body may suck, and lack cooperation, but my heart is stronger, my faith is stronger. Even when I do not understand for a second what is going on, or WHY, I KNOW without a doubt that God loves me. He created me this way for a reason, and gave me these desires for a reason. I am meant for this fight and I am meant to win. With God, I will.
I took a test last night 10 DPO. Brian and I stared at the test together in the bathroom as we watched the dye move across the result window. We saw a tiny shadow pop up, and then it got lighter and lighter. It was barely there but we both saw it. We held it up to the light and saw it. I allowed myself to get cautiously excited. When I went back to look at it later I didn't see the line anymore, and when I held up unused tests to the light I saw a vaguely similar shadow. My heart sunk and I prayed that this morning I would be pleasantly surprised with a darker line... Nothing. We were visiting family in WA for the weekend and it was the worst place to have to grieve.
I couldn't find anywhere to be alone. There were so many people there. My wonderful and loving mother in law held me in her arms and cried with me. My sweet sister in law also gave me words of encouragement and hugs... I felt loved, and blessed, but still so so hurt.
I felt so MANY things. Shame for my body failing again, embarrassment that I LET myself get briefly excited, fear for what would happen next, angry that God gave peace to Brian, my mom, and mother in law that THIS was the cycle. And angry that I felt God was leading my heart that way too. I felt betrayed. I felt deep loss and frustration.
My head started hurting and I think I got emotional whiplash :/ We called our RE to find out if we could talk tomorrow (when we get our blood test to confirm) about where to go next. ONLY to find out that my doctor is away until the 18th. *sigh*
The nurse will be there tomorrow and hopefully I will get my questions out there, and REALLY hopefully get some reassurance. I am planning on taking a short break. I don't want to move forward without my dr. As much as it sucks to wait, he is worth waiting for.
I never would've thought that building my family would be such hard work. I never knew how much faith it was going to require. I was NOT prepared for the fight it would take, and would take OUT of me, but I don't give up easy. Especially when it is a desire given to me from God. My body may suck, and lack cooperation, but my heart is stronger, my faith is stronger. Even when I do not understand for a second what is going on, or WHY, I KNOW without a doubt that God loves me. He created me this way for a reason, and gave me these desires for a reason. I am meant for this fight and I am meant to win. With God, I will.
Friday, April 1, 2011
9 DPO
Can someone please ask me WHY I tested today??? I bought tests today in order to have a test for tomorrow morning, 10 DPO, but - SHOCKER - I took one this afternoon. I don't really know what I was expecting to see... maybe a tiny little line?? I thought for a brief moment I saw one... but upon my pathetic and shameful dissection of the pee test and even further investigation, i just don't have any solid proof lol.
I have just been feeling so different this cycle. I have HOPE, and that scares me. My mom, mother in law, and husband all have a complete peace that I am pregnant. I wish I could be so sure. I have all the symptoms you would look for in early pregnancy, but they can easily be explained by my progesterone suppositories... I am peeing frequently, I had some light nausea/ heartburn last night, I am bloated, I feel faint/ dizzy when I stand up and fatigue...
I think if this cycle is negative it's going to be really really hard. I am really trying not to get ahead of myself and be a worry wart...
Please Lord, guard my heart. Give me peace and remind me to trust you. You always want the best for me, and know my desires. thank you for all you give me, and thank you that I can trust you!! Please remind me every MINUTE of today and tomorrow of that. uggghh, I am just so scared to fail again Lord. I am so scared of your plan sometimes. Please ease my fears...
Amen
Tomorrow I have am driving to WA with Brian and Ronan. We are going to Brian's grandpa's 80th birthday party. It is going to be a HUGE gathering. I hope I get to go with some secret happy news...
I have just been feeling so different this cycle. I have HOPE, and that scares me. My mom, mother in law, and husband all have a complete peace that I am pregnant. I wish I could be so sure. I have all the symptoms you would look for in early pregnancy, but they can easily be explained by my progesterone suppositories... I am peeing frequently, I had some light nausea/ heartburn last night, I am bloated, I feel faint/ dizzy when I stand up and fatigue...
I think if this cycle is negative it's going to be really really hard. I am really trying not to get ahead of myself and be a worry wart...
Please Lord, guard my heart. Give me peace and remind me to trust you. You always want the best for me, and know my desires. thank you for all you give me, and thank you that I can trust you!! Please remind me every MINUTE of today and tomorrow of that. uggghh, I am just so scared to fail again Lord. I am so scared of your plan sometimes. Please ease my fears...
Amen
Tomorrow I have am driving to WA with Brian and Ronan. We are going to Brian's grandpa's 80th birthday party. It is going to be a HUGE gathering. I hope I get to go with some secret happy news...
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