Give me a life of struggles, atleast I will always have YOU

Things have been very busy as you can expect from the Holiday season. I have been dealing with episodes of croup, crazy schedules, family time, and lots of hustle and bustle in the middle.
During this time I have felt myself think in my head... "What would I have done right now if I HAD gotten pregnant?!" I honestly don't know how I would be managing.The boys are SO much heavier, but still haven't reached the stage where they will just hold my hand and follow me. I still have to carry them to get from place to place. I would be house ridden. Thank you God for always knowing best.

It still stings, and I get pangs of pain here and there why I reflect and realize what I have lost.
What has made it increasingly difficult is finding out a very close relative is expecting and watching her go through her pregnancy, knowing how close we would be in terms of stages in development.
I will admit, a lot of it is pride. I failed. Me. My body wasn't good enough. Or my embryos weren't good enough. She can get pregnant so easily. I can't.

I am working on that part, but its more of a heart thing.

Today as I drove to church, I was thinking about the extra money I had to throw down to replace my broken iPad ( that one of my sweet children broke) to retrieve my data and memories, and how we have a dentist bill to cover. I thought about how little time I get to spend with my husband because he has to work over time to make more money to cover these types of unexpected payments. I thought about Ivf in general and how it stinks that women with these diseases don't get fair coverage... I thought about all of these struggles and frustrations... The I was hit with such a beautiful reminder... I HAVE loving, dedicated husband who works his butt off for us. he HAS a stable job, we make money enough to repair and place, pay off bills, save... i have access to a clinic who treats my disease. Atleast I CAN have children.

I imagined a life where I didn't have any of these inconveniences. Where I was like "those other people" who have it all together ( as if they really exist HA)... Then I realized, I Am thankful for struggles. I need them, because if I didn't have them, I wouldn't need God. This life will never be perfect. Never. It's not Heaven. I can try all I want to make it the best dwelling possible,but there will ALWAYS be something. Who cares!!! As long as I have my Savior, as long as He is with me, I am never alone. I always have the promises of my future with Him.

So that is where my head has been :)

In other more fun news, the boys have all moved into the SAME ROOM!!! I think this will have to be a separate post of its own though hahaha. Just wait. It is so cute! It makes me so excited about bunk beds!!!!

Oh.... And in 2 more days, my 3 year old is turning 4!!!! How is this possible???????

What's next?

Brian and I met with Dr B to discuss future options if we should decide to continue expanding our family.

We discussed everything from Clomid and timed intercourse, to mini IVF and back to conventional IVF.

We feel very certain that our family is not complete yet. We have always dreamed of a large family. We are not rich though lol, so we need to consider all our options and discuss the route we should take.

He recommended either returning to injectibles and IUI ( since that worked for Ronan- albeit after 6 attempts) and our insurance stopped covering any monitoring for infertility cycles... So each try would be 2,500 dollars.... That adds up pretty quick and doesn't have high success rates.

He also recommends Conventional IVF. He did not think I was a good candidate for mini IVF ( which is essentially low dose meds IVF cycle- you look to retrieve only 2-3 eggs... But after a lot of thought, this just seems like a fancy IUI... The reason I am not a good candidate is that my egg quality isn't that great, in the sense at out of 20 mature eggs only 13 fertilized naturally ( most likely because my eggs are "tougher" harder to penetrate due to my PCOS ) of the 13 we only ended up with 2 amazing blasts and 2 to freeze. Obviously those weren't healthy since they stopped growing.

So the odds of getting a perfect blast to transfer from just 2-3 eggs isn't very good. And then the cycle is a bust.

So IUI or back to IVF... Part of me wanted to try to IUI again, but Brian remembers how horrible it was... So emotional and so many negatives...

He instead thinks our best chance to finish our family ( we have always wanted 4- any more would be incredible blessings we would take happily) but we will be just thrilled if we only got one more child.

So the best chance would be to return to conventional IVF.

However, we aren't rich so..... That means saving for a year. I would actually be okay waiting longer since im only 28.

It's pretty overwhelming... But it's the desire of our hearts. There isn't anything else that we put above family ( besides our relationship with God) we don't long for a bigger, nicer house, or new cars, or this or that... No, our passion is in children. 

We also want to adopt, but don't feel ready for that step quite yet. 

During our time off I am going to be taking some herbal supplements and track my cycles to see if I can ovulate on my own. It would be an amazing blessing to get pregnant naturally. I know it CAN happen.. So why not try? If we did get pregnant we would be done and all that money would go into savings! I know.. I know... I dream, but God can do anything!!! Maybe He will give me a surprise miracle?

Anyway, that is our update :)

I am looking forward to this step back from trying and excited for the holiday season with my amazing boys ( and man ;)

They are growing up so fast and this is definitely my favorite stage!!!!

A positive thing that is coming from all this, is that I have nothing holding me back from coaching again next season, so that is something I look forward to . God used me SO much last year, I am excited to go back.

The other project that I am working on is managing the advertisement/ marketing of my husband's first novel. It's currently in the beta reader stages and in a few months will be off to its final stages of editing! We plan to have it out out for sale by summer 2014.

It's all very exciting and I cannot wait to see others fall in love with this book like I have :)

Thank you blogger friends for sticking with me during this journey. I feel like a masochist at times... Wanting and desiring something that my body doesn't want to cooperate with... It's painful and a battle, but as my husband reminds me daily, as he gazes at our lively boys " would you trade it for anything though?"

Absolutely not.... I will fight... Until God takes away my desires, or puts new ones in my heart ( which believe me, I pray for often) I will continue to fight!

Negative

Brian and I had to say goodbye once again.... Painfull, but we are honestly OKAY. We trust our Lord and Savior. This isn't our first experience with heart ache and God has taught us well how to respond. We never regret trying, we never feel remorse for the money we save up for the chance to build our family. More than having a bigger house or nicer things, this is what we choose to invest in. We meet with our RE next week to go over this cycle and discuss options for the future. We are heart broken that we didn't get to meet this beautiful one, but hopeful God will bless us atleast just one more time... Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers

The roller coaster....

If you have ever experienced any form of infertility and treatment, you will understand this. Stuck on bed rest, life happening around me, and I am just stuck here in this bed with nothing to do but think. Think, pray, distract myself.... One minute I am optimistic, encouraged, pumped and excited! Then I am horribly discouraged. My mind brings back the words that shook me to the core, " you lost one" And the odds 50% flash in my mind. Fear, panic, loss.... Then there are times, very brief, where I am just in absolutely peace of whatever may come. I remember my eternal perspective. I remember how there is more to life than this current struggle. That I am eternally blessed beyond measure. I love those moments. I wish I could stretch them out more. I am working on it.... Then I return back to how deeply I desire to have just one more baby.... How much it would stink to loose those one too.... Then the fear and panic sets back in. Just once I wish getting pregnant was easy haha. Anyway, that's my brain right now.... My back is sooooo sore from laying flat all the time. Ugggghhhhh! Only one more day of bed rest after this!

Meet my little fighter :)

Here is our only surviving embryo.... Praying he or she can beat the odds!

Not what I expected.....

Brian and I were all giggles and full of excitement when we checked it....

When we were finally taken back we were told the news we hadn't prepared ourselves for.

"One survived, but the other didn't..."

I was completely shocked.... How??!! They looked so perfect before, perfect they said.

It happens 5% of the time.... Lucky me.

It felt like my miscarriage with Adriel all over again.

I immediately began sobbing. It just killed me.

They gave me a Valium which helped a little, but the searing pain left me feeling hopeless. They said the other embryo looked good to fair- a real confidence booster. It started as a 4aa and was now a 3AB. The RE assured me that with my history of carrying babies, if it is a healthy embryo we will get pregnant without a hitch, but if it has any anomalies it will arrest.

I'm having a hard time processing this information since just a few hours ago I was hoping for twins again.

I also know that this is God's will. I am shocked and saddened by it, but He is the creator of the universe. I do not question His plan.

For now I am grieving my lost one, and praying with everything inside that this little bud of life will continue to grow.

Please pray for us as we navigate through this transition. Pray that God will be glorified in any out come. That my heart will be content in HIM.

Tomorrow, tomorrow,I'll love ya, tomorrow, you're only a day away.....

I am so nervous, and so excited!!!!! I had a minor panic attack when I learned that my RE whom I love had an emergency appendectomy the night before!!! Poor guy! Please pray for his healing. Consequently he will not be doing my transfer.... :( They scheduled me with a different RE who, I have been told is just as excellent. They called me today just to check in on me since I had burst into tears the day before haha. But to be fair, these meds make me burst into tears allll the time. It was so sweet of them to call and check though.... My family has been quick to remind me that this too is God's plan, no accident. She was chosen to handle my babies for whatever reason :) So here we go.... The thaw will happen tomorrow AM and the transfer at 1:00 pm Let's pray protection over these precious souls!!!!! God, be glorified tommorow. Jesus, please allow the thaw to go flawless, and my embryos to continue in their growth. Give my new doctor steady hands, and my babies safe passage where they can snuggle in and thrive! I trust them to you Lord, you love them even more than me. I ask this in your name, Amen And for fun... Here is a huge family photo we took for my hubby's 30th bday party :) We have never gotten everyone in one pic! This is both my side and Brian's

Four more days!!!!!!!!!!!

Hoooooly cow! Holy cow!!!! How is it only 4 days away already??? I have started my daily progesterone injections along with my twice a week estrogen injects. Along with my injections I am taking Medrol, doxycycline, baby aspirin, and prenatals. Tomorrow morning I have a quick blood draw check to see how my estrogen and progesterone are looking :) Praying everything is progressing perfectly, and that my uterine lining is becoming more and more nourishing by the day!!!! Please please keep us in your prayers. Especially around 10:00 am on Halloween. Please pray for the thaw of my babies. It's our first big obstacle. Survive the thaw. Once that is achieved, please pray for a quick and smooth transfer. After that, it's all about implantation :) Thank you friends! As always I will keep you posted, so you can ride ts crazy ride with me, and so I can always look back and remember. OOOH!!! I hope I get pics of the blasts again!!!!!

Lookin' good!!!!!

Ultrasound and lab today showed that everything looks perfect :) uterine lining is triple layered, and already 15mm thick. Brian is doing great with the injections. I JUST had my 4th injection. This morning my estradiol was measuring 650. Everything is looking perfect. My doctor is so excited that our transfer is Halloween. It's such a fun day at the clinic. Everyone dresses up, and somehow I always end up being at the clinic for one reason or another. Ever since 2008. Lol. I cannot say enough how much I LOVE my clinic. Thank you Lord for being in control of this cycle. You are so good. I cannot wait to have my babies returned to my womb. Please bless them, keep them safe... Amen!

First IM injection done!!!!!

Brian did great!!!! He was shaking he was so nervous!!! Lol, poor guy. I do have some significant bruising, and my hip was really sore for a few days. I only get these estrogen injections 2 times a week. The progesterone injections will be daily though. I have a feeling I will be very sore!!! The embryologist also called yesterday to discuss our "thaw plan" I officially declared, "both!!" I also asked how they looked. She said they were graded 4AA and 5AA and looking AWESOME :))!!!!!! I can't tell you how good I felt to hear that. I can only pray they continue to look awesome after the thaw and thrive in utero. Okay God! I am ready!!!!! Lets do this! Please continue to guide my cycle and the doctors hands. I love and trust you!!!!

And so it begins....

I am finally at the start day of my calendar for my final transfer. Tomorrow I continue with my BCP for 4 more days, but add in aspirin, and doxycycline, along with prenatals I have been taking for awhile :) I continue until the 9th and I will have a baseline scan along with our teaching for intramuscular injections. Then I stop the antibiotics and shorty after, begin my estrogen injections!!!!!! Woooo hooo! Please Lord, please protect my little ones and allow a safe transfer, a hospitable environment to thrive in :))

It's really sinking in.....

Ahhhhh!!!!! I am so flipping excited!!!!!!

I had my saline sonogram on Tuesday and some additional bloodwork. I received my calendar, and looking at it, seeing my appointment, my little check box's for my meds, my TRANSFER date..... It just flooded me with so many memories and giddiness!!!!!!!

Oh God!!!! Please Lord, please prepare my body now for these beautiful, precious lives.
My heart is desperately wanting to see both thrive together.
I want to bring them home and out of that cold freezer lol. I want them to know, and feel their mommy's love. I want them to hear the laughter of their silly brothers. I want to know the joy of having 5 kids, 4 years of age and under lol. I want to know the joy of having two sets of unique twins. I want my babies, and I am so excited to have them transferred to me.
Lord willing, the thaw will be flawless, the transfer smooth, and the implantation perfect.

I jus cannot believe its all happening so fast. This is it.... My last transfer.... Please Lord, please.

Warrior Dash mud run!!!!

Today Brian and I ran a 5K mud run with 12 extreme obstacles. The benefits go to st Jude's Children's Hospital.

I'm not gonna lie.... It was amazing!!!!!!!! This was my first official race, and we did it mostly for fun, with my brother in law and sister in law. We had sooooo much fun. It wasn't nearly as challenging as I thought. I was soooo intimidated by it! However, I guess training with a bunch of high schoolers and then running an additional 2 miles after practice will help prep you :)
I am addicted and cannot wait to run again.... But alas.... Wait I must, because our wonderful transfer is approaching very soon....

And speaking of our transfer.... Brian and I made a very game changing decision. We decided to transfer both of our remaining embryos together, instead of singly.
I just wasn't feeling peace about it. I have been praying a lot about it, and I just couldn't feel good about it. I Can't really put a finger on it, but I just know.... We are meant to transfer them together... I am scared, but mostly as peace. I feel much better with this decision and excited to go through with it. Please be praying for the thaw and the preparation of my uterine lining.

I started mY last day of birth control today. And have my saline sonogram on Tuesday. I picked of all my mEd's from the pharmacy too.... It's beginning to feel so real!!! Eeep!!!!! Can't wait to see who you are bringing to our family next, God!!!!!!!

And for fun, here is pics from our day!!!

We have before the race pics, after the race pics, and after our shower and in our merch. Pics :)

Been there done that?

My doctor's office has recently been in touch with me now that our cycle is quickly approaching. Everything seemed was very predictable, and expected...

Blood work
HSG
Annual/ pap
Order meds....

"Wait a minute.... I see that you have on here progesterone and estrogen delivered via injection, and not just any injection.... *gulp* INTRAMUSCULAR INJECTION!!!!! This has been the only thing BY FAR that I have been terrified of!!!!! I thought could get around it, like I always have this far. Before, all I needed her suppositories, or pills..... Nope. On a frozen cycle they have to simulate everything. I am not actually producing any follicles. Everything is synthetic. Therefore, they need the best and strongest meds to convince your body you DID ovulate and create a healthy and inviting atmosphere for your baby....

Can't really argue with that. Ofcourse I want what is best for my little embryo.... But yeah, I am scared lol. This will be the first time BRIAN will have to give me an injection. There is no way I could stick something that large in my... *ahem*.... Rear ;)

So.... Let the chaos begin!!! I took my last b/c pill tonight. Cycle should start soon. I call on day 1, they tell me to start BCP again on day 3 of my cycle.

I will have a baseline u/s, blood work, my HSG, then another cycle. That is when I will begin my meds.

ALSO, subject change, my varsity team has it's first game of the season tomorrow!!!!! I am so excited to watch the girls play!!!!

Sad dream :(

I had a dream last night that we had our transfer. I hadn't taken an at home test (which proves this was a dream and not real lol- I'm a pee-a-holic) but I knew we were pregnant. I knew it. I could feel the warmth, the life within me. I began to imagine if this was my long awaited girl!!!!
Suddenly I was out of my body and seeing myself get a D&C! I was screaming at the doctor to stop!! He turned to me and told me that the transfer had been unsuccessful. I wasn't pregnant... Which is confusing why I was having a D&C... But hey, I never said it made sense. It was just horribly devastating...
Then the realization kicked in that I have only one blast left.... One last chance.
I know God is in control. I trust Him with it all. I just became so scared I wouldn't be able to experience it all again. I am SO thankful for what I have. I adore my family. At this point my heart just does not feel finished yet.
I also know we are meant to adopt ( yes, yes, we want a large family) if only I could get one last chance... To just soak it all in... With the twins, it was amazing, but, very "survival mode" I long to take time to nurse, snuggle, and all those other things you take for granted with a singleton...

2 embryos left. I do trust God, but I am also scared I won't get to do it one last time....

And OH LORD the icing on the cake would be a little girl.
God knows any addition, boy or girl will be cherished and loved.... I would just be so tickled to experience life as a mommy to a daughter.

With it all, I trust you Lord. Please take away my fears. Give me peace. And Lord may YOUR will be done.
Protect my embryos! Bring them to fruition in my womb!!

Amen :)

Let's get caught up on pictures!!!

Here is what our summer has looked like!

Decisions... Decisions...

So, as I have mentioned before, I am a varsity volleyball coach at a private Christian school. I have be absolutely LOVING IT!!! The kids are so fantastic, the parents are supportive, and well, I am just having so much fun :) Well, that got me thinking about my transfer. I thought to myself, if I transfer this October, and if everything worked out, I would be due in July. That means... There is no chance I could coach for the school next year. Could I seriously handle watching someone else lead these girls who I have come to love? Could I watch them sabatage the team I built ( okay, I know, it's extreme lol) I thought to myself... I HAVE to postpone. I have to postpone my transfer to March so I can coach still. I will be in my third trimester, sure, but I could d it!!! I thought about it and thought about it.... Then I figured out something... I LOVE coaching... But I LOVE being a mom even more. I just cannot express it. I love being a mom SO much that it hurts to put my scheduled transfer aside. I love being a mom SO much that I just couldn't imagine gong back for these babies as soon as possible. Looking at my kids right now, every sacrifice is worth it. Every one! And all I can think about is, I want more! They are all so sweet, and fun, challenging, silly and amazing..... I can't imagine anything being more important. I love coaching. I love these girls... But I love my kids even more. I have fun with them. Who knows maybe I can volunteer, help train the next coach? I don't know. but then again, maybe the transfer won't be successful. Maybe we will loose that baby, and I will have the opportunity to coach agai... But will just be a consolation prize. Nothing would be as great as the prize... The blessing of being a mom again. God, you know my heart, and all my desires. I trust it all to you... Only time will tell. But I did learn something about myself today. Nothing in my life compares to being a mom. Not even the most enjoyable occupation. The only things I love more are GOD and my husband. I hope that this transfer is successful. I cannot wait to meet you little one. You will be loved no matter what! Be it by ME or, your Heavenly Father :) .... Hopefully both, here on earth, with me! Very soon!!!!!

300 posts!!!???

Somehow, I never got around to publishing this post? Possibly because I was having trouble uploading the pictures from the ski bowl. I still need to do that, but here is the old post! Wow.... Weird to think I have been blogging so long. I love that I can look back at my journey before I ever had my beautiful children and see God's redemption and how He has always provided. I love that others can too. What a journey it has been. I am so excited to continue this ride with the blogging world and hopefully bring encouragement to my blogging friends out there, as well as receive encouragement from you all as well. God has been so good to me over the years... Mysterious at times, but always good. Yesterday we took the family to Mt Hood ski bowl. Ronan had a blast on the alpine slides, riding a pony, bouncy houses, play houses, swings, innertubing, bumper cars... It was awesome.the twins did great too, though they got exhausted from the heat.... And so did I. After the fun, I had a complete breakdown on the drive home. I think the altitude topped it off, but on the way home I had Brian pull over. All I could do was mutter "help me" and " I can't do this" I puked so many times.... I lost alll my dignity on the side of that road... I thought I was dying. My head was slamming, body shaking, everything hurt until I finally got to the ER... After some strong medicine i was finally okay. I went home and slept hard. I woke up today feeling much better but still weak. I have always struggled with head aches, but never like this. Part of me wonders if it might be the birth control? It's definitely gotten worst since I started it... Hmmm Thankfully I have the week off from volleyball ( moritorium week) so I am going to use it to go visit my parents and let the kids play in Grammy and Grandpa's pool :) And Lord willing it won't happen again!!!! So.... Here is to 300 posts, and many more :) Here are some pics of our day

The boys are growing up!!!

It's been awhile since I have posted recent pictures!
So here are my precious boys, 3.5 years old and 1 year old.

Ronan is learning to read, writing letters, excelling in his Spanish... He loves art, almost any sport- especially since I have started coaching again.
Not sure if I mentioned that, but I accepted a Varsity Volleyball coaching position. Ronan loves to come to the open gyms. Sitting in the ball cart lol, handing me balls, shagging the loose ones. And the players just love him :)
He is still my little snuggler. And yes, he still uses my walk in closet as his "little room" and his old room serves as a guest room lol.
I love that boy so so much.
He also loves his story time, especially his Bible stories.

Kaden is almost running now!!! That kid toddles so fast!! He loves chasing our dog, playing with Ronan, jumping on our little trampoline, playing in our sand box and books.

Trystan is still getting the hang of walking. He will walk about 10 steps, then drop down to crawl. They can both get up and down stairs now, though Trystan mastered that first.
Trystan loves to be held and cuddled alll the time. He goes to bed first, and rises first.
He loves when I read him stories, and playing with Ronan's big boy puzzles.

So there is your little mini update on my precious miracles :)

Back on B/C

For those who don't know B/C= birth control. My cycles were soooo wonky and I wanted to make sure my uterine lining was getting regularly shed well before we attempt another transfer. I go back and forth on when I want to do it. My heart tugs to do it sooner rather than later. I want all the odds in favor for those little ones. I want my body to be young and healthy, selfishly, I also want to be able to bounce back quicker too. We met with the RE a few weeks ago and they sent us a calendar! If you remember my journey, Ronan was conceived Friday the 13th lol, the twins were conceived on Halloween ( along with the remaining embryos of course) So what is funny, is we talked to them about wanting to transfer ONE around the end of October, giving a 2 year gap, Lord willing that perfect embryo sticks :( The date they picked for the transfer? October 31st lol.... Sounds about right.... Lol I am starting my prayer quest for whomever the embryologist chooses to put back first. Lord, Please guide my doctor's hands. May they be steady and swift. I pray that the thawing process is flawless and that the embryo you choose to grow inside me would thrive for 9 months! I so desire to meet these two little tot-sicles ;) Please protect them. I trust you with all of my children. I know they are YOURS, on loan to me. I trust you know best. In your name I pray, amen.

Goodbye so soon

Last week I felt oddly emotional. I was unmotivated and exhausted.
I realized I hadn't had a period in a loooong time ( typical PCOS) so I hadn't thought much of it.
Something in me told me to test.... I couldn't believe it, a very faint positive. My heart fluttered a little at the thought. I couldn't believe this happened on its own. I took another and saw the same.

A few days later i tested negative. I started cramping and bleeding. Now heavy bleeding.

My heart broke and I cried it out. It hurt, really, surprisingly hurt, but I'm okay now.

My heart is so ready for another baby...

On a separate note. The sermon at church today was amazing. My emotions were allll over the place. Our pastor made a comment about "would your life go on if you lost your spouse?" I thought... Yes, it would suck but Brian isn't Jesus, he isn't my God. Then he asked " if you lost your children?"........ Loose my CHILDREN????? Noooooooo.... My heart broke. I literally just burst into tears at the thought and realized... I haven't fully trusted them over to God. I am idolizing them, in a way. They aren't mine. They were lent to me, generously... And only God knows their days. I have to give them over to Him. My life would have to go on...

But I know. I know God is on complete control and I trust Him. I trust Him with my whole heart and my whole life. Even with the unthinkable. I trust Hom. And I always will.

Anyways. That was my week. I am resting now. Heat pad on my tummy.
Vegging out.
Life is good. Hard times suck, but my hope is in Him!

October.....

Brian and I have been thinking and praying a lot on our future.... Mostly when we want to go back for our frozen babes ;) We are feeling surprisingly ready NOW!!! However, there is a lot of stuff I want to do over the summer, crazy stuff that I would prefer to do without a baby in my tummy :) So we will probably be looking to transfer around October. That would make the twins and a new baby exactly 2 years apart. It sounds crazy to a lot of people. But honestly, we feel like we have hit this level of chaos that it just wouldn't really make a difference. I love the idea of having Them close to age, so that we can go through the chaotic stage all at one... Then enjoy the slower pace of life together too. Maybe we will finally get a girl this time around??? I would be happy with all boys too thouh.... And maybe.... Maybe we won't get to meet them at all, which completely breaks my heart, but I do understand that it could happen. We have discussed that too. If neither of them take, we will most likely begin paperwork to start the adoption process right away. Life is so exciting, and I love how crazy mine is. I fully trust God to lead my family in the direction HE wants. It is slightly terrifying, but I am just choosing to trust. Next week I am getting a NEW STROLLER!!! It officially for Kaden and Trystan's first birthday party... Which I still need to plan, and think about themes and decorations... But yeah, my mom and MIL went in together to get me a new stroller! I cannot wait. It's a four seater, that can handle a car seat in one of the spots, it for now, will allow me an extra spot to put grocery items in. Or just my diaper bag, and I will be able to comfortably travel with my guys. It is supposed to fold up really easy, which was the problem with my last stroller. It was a pain in the BUTT to take out and out away. But back to the birthday party... Are the twins REALLY already one year old almost???!!! It is just nuts... I have no idea what to do for a theme... We are holding the party at a local park, it will be potluck style. Guess there really doesn't have to be a theme, I just want it to be beautiful,and memorable... If you have any ideas, pass them on :)

Road trip

We just got back from our family road trip to Nevada to see Brian's parents... It went so well!!! Even the 10+ hour drive there and back!!!
To make the road trip fun, we documented the whole vacation. We made frequent stops along the way at parks and play places. We caravanned with siblings, used walkie talkies between the vehicles, stalked up on sooooo much candy and snacks, and movies to watch in the car.

My highlights of the actual trip were playing darts, cards, learning to shoot, taking long hot baths, star gazing, girl nights with my sister in law, running with my husband and brother in law, bbq's and wheel barrow rides with Ronan lol.

Here are some random pics with family, cousins, first tastes if ice cream, snuggles, etc.... Enjoy

10 months

I am having a hard time believing it has been 10 months since I gave birth to the twins... It's all kind of a big blur! I am so glad I took a lot of pictures because, man... It has gone by so fast. Everything seems to really be coming together lately. Everyone is healthy, cold and flue season is coming to an end. The boys are napping on the same schedule ( even with Ronan) and sleeping through the night... It has been so awesome!!! Both boys are cruising, and really getting close to those first steps!!! Ronan loves playing with them. He has little games he does with each. Pat a cake, is one of his favorites, and he also loves to get them to follow him down the hall, and into the playroom. It just warms my heart so much seeing them all playing together. I have been looking on pinterest to see different ideas for bunk beds and ideas. I to, when we move,which will be in a year or so ( definitely before we deliver the next baby) I want one big room for the kids, and I want to make it the sleeping room. There are some amazing ideas out there for bunk beds for multiples, when I get a chance I will try to ad pics. Then use the other rooms in the house as a play room, and a school room, a guest room ( and if we have a girl, we will use a separate room for her) then our room. It makes me so excited to dream about our next house :) I can't believe I will be starting school with Ronan next year!!! Not that I havent been already. I was looking at the requirements for kindergarten, and Ronan is like way beyond that, in English and in Spanish lol. I am so excited!!! In a couple days we are going on our first big vacation as a family!!! I am so pumped!!! We are going on a road trip to visit my in laws in Nevada. It's about a 9- 10 hour drive :O .... We went to the store and loaded up on snacks and goodies. I have a novel to read, the kids have their favorite blankies and toys. We have movies to watch in the car, we are like READY!!! I can't wait to have Grandma and Grandpa play with the boys while Brian and I get some alone time. My neighbors and family are so sweet and watching and house sitting for us, everythingis taken care of, and I just cannot wait to have a change of scenery for a few days... In two months they will be ONE year old... I have to start planning their birthdays!!!! I never thought I would be here, on the other side of infertility, with my arms litterally full of babies. God has been using me so much in the lives of other women who are going through what I have been through, I am so thankful I can provide hope for them, and actually support them. I have a very close friend/ family member who will be going through IVF soon, please pray for her. She has been waiting for so long. I want to see that girl pregnant so bad. Praying for all my other girls out there who are still waiting. And praising God for those who have been blessed already.

My house is ever changing...

I often rearrange furniture, and love changing things up in the house. I have been like this ever since I was a kid. I would even doodle up a blue print type map and draw out how I wanted to move it, then ask my daddy to do it for me (often while I was sitting in church- shhhh)

Now, I am a big girl, and I do it all myself ;)

I can't remember if I mentioned it on here, but ever since the Super Bowl ( when we had family over) and Ronan gave up his queen sized bed, to sleep on a crib mattress in my closet, he is STILL there. It is like... His new room haha. He even has his own drawer in there now. He keeps his binky, nigh night pull ups, favorite toys, and cars in there. It really doesn't bug me at all... Actually, I kinda like it :)

Ronan's room is now back to a guest bed/ playroom.
The twin's room is also home to many many toys, and each kid has their own crib now.

It is so fun watching them grow and change!!! Ronan is making friends left and right. He loves to play soccer, tag, hide and seek, throwing rocks lol, and playing "trolls" :)
We met a family at the park, and Ronan, and the little boy became instant best friends. It was so beautiful seeing how happy it made him. Turns out they were only 3 days apart!!! Crazy. It led me to spend sometime with the mom, and she and I are now becoming friends :) play dates are in the future!!!

Kaden and Trystan, are pulling up, cruising, holding their own bottles, laughing, eating Cheerios, pirate booty, mum mums, oatmeal, various fruit and veggies, and even had some chicken tonight!
They still are not sleeping consistently through the night. Well, mostly Trystan. Kaden sleeps pretty well. But since they share a room... Well... Yeah.
Ronan loves playing with them now. He gets down on all fours and crawls with them :)
I love seeing them show love to each other. It's what I have dreamed my whole life...
I find myself so completely content and happy these days. I remember my heart ache, my fear, my pain, so well. I dont think I will ever forget. And I honestly am thankful for it. I am thankful GOD has been, and always will be in control of my journey.

On a separate note...
I have had the opportunity to really be there for some ladies in my life who are going through similar situations. And it just confirms what I already know. God is using me. I am so thankful to be able to have this knowledge and experience so I CAN help!

My heart also aches for a fellow blogger who has had a very heart aching, roller coaster journey.
I really don't even know the words to pray for her... I guess just peace. She is grieving the loss of her full term daughter, born sleeping. This after years of infertility, failed Ivf, an adoption that fell through after 11 days of bonding with the baby... It's just all too much.
There are some things I will never understand, and I am not even going to try. Just please pray for this family. God knows them, he knows their needs... I am just so broken for them....

Praying for you all, wherever you are in your journeys. May God always be present!

This is how I get around now...

We changed the boy's cars eats. It was too heavy carrying them around I n their carriers, and they were almost out grown!!!!
So, this is now how they are carried around lol. This is me with the boys at play group :)

An epiphany...

Almost 8 years ago Brian and I were married, I was 19, he was 21. As soon as we were married, and the possibility of having children was finally possible ( we both waited until we were married to be intimate) it was almost all I could think about. I had very little education on the matter. Every time we would have sex, I would almost always wonder, could I be getting pregnant right now? Maybe I will be one of those people who gets pregnant on birth control. It seems like I knew so many who did! After all, it was my hope, my dream. My heart's desire!

Once I educated myself and realized that it wasn't "adding up" for me, I had a gut feeling this wasn't going to be as easy as I had imagined. It wasn't going to be like it was on tv.

After the loss of my miracle baby I was finally diagnosed with PCOS. I was pretty much miserable. In my prayer time with God, my love never wavered, but I was so angry with Him.
"God, why? Why on earth did you create me this way? It feels so cruel!" God designed me to love children, to desire to have my own, to long for the intimacy of pregnancy, and nursing, yet... Withhold it from me? I could not understand Him. It was the most painful ache I could even imagine. I could literally feel the gaping emptiness in my womb. My uterus felt cold, dark, broken. My arms had nothing to hold. I would stare at my empty guest bedrooms and imagine what it would look like to put baby things in them. I would pretend to hold a small, warm little baby. His or her head resting on my shoulder, my chin brushing against their soft fuzzy baby hair, smelling that glorious baby smell. Then the tears, the hot tears that would inevitably follow.

It wasn't until just now that I feel like this journey was very specifically designed for me. Don't get me wrong, I have ALWAYS known that God was in control on my journey, and knew all the details to come. And I do not believe God "cursed me" with this, or that it was caused by "unconfessed sin". I know that we live in a world of sickness and death. However, I recently RE asked myself the question, "why God? Why out of allll the ailments in the world do you allow me infertility?"

And the answer was so obvious. I felt like God gifted me with infertility because He wanted to heighten, to deepen, to make the ONE THING that I desired so much, to mean EVEN MORE!!! He didn't give it to me right away, or even when I begged and pleaded. He grew my anticipation, He forced me to wait because He was going to bless me SO abundantly, and He wanted me to just BASK in the beauty of it all. The redemption.
He knew I was going to have 3 boys under 3, and while most people would be overwhelmed by the thought, I still feel the butterflies in my tummy each time they smile at me. He gave me that.
I never take them for granted. He gave me that. When they are screaming, crying, waking up at all hours, I am TIRED, but so, SO blessed. He gave me that!!!!
My husband and I look at our journey. We look at the family He has built for us, on earth AND in heaven. He did that... He gave me a husband who would be just righty for this journey too. I can not imagine any one of my ex boyfriends who could have done better, or any other man for that matter. I cannot imagine anyone else who could have done better. My husband is my hero, a true gift from God.

So, when you ask "why God? Why did you give this to me?" .... Don't feel frustrated if you cannot understand it now. It may reveal itself to you later, or not until we meet our Savior face to face. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that God loves you. He wants GOOD things for you. He is so mysterious, but so good. Trust Him, even when you don't want to.

Thank you God. Thank you for leading me, for building my family the way YOU wanted. I feel your love today. I see your works in my life, and I am so blessed.

There is something about infertility...

That just changes you permanently...
I was cleaning underneath my sink and came across some ovulation tests, pg tests, basically my TTC stash. I pulled it out and had this instinctual thought, "I wonder when, or, if I will ovulate this cycle. I should test so that *just in case* I do, we can atleast TRY"... Then I was smacked with reality... What??!!
In NO way what so ever, do I want to be pregnant right now. At alllll. It was just an instinct.
Then my heart wandered back my my TTC days. My support group. Justmommies.com.

I visited my old board this morning, which I still consider to be my home away from home. "once an infertile, always an infertile", which is a saying that i always hated. I soooo wanted to prove my fertility, i wanted to appear as a normal woman. You know the kind that gets "oopsy's" and randomly throws up one morning and realizes she is pregnant ;).
Now, i couldn't wear my badge of "infertile" any more proudly. Some times, people who dont know me, or my journey, look at my life and automatically assume that I am a fertile myrtle. I don't necessarily blame them. Not many 26 year olds have 3 children under 3. But, I find that I *have* to correct them. I need them to know that each of my children were fought desperately for. That they are God given miracles. I don't care what their response is. It just needs to be known. I am not one of those women. I am the one who went through Hell, who cried desperately when she thought it was hopeless. Who died a little inside when one of her miracles died inside her. I put my heart on the line in faith that this journey was God's and that He would redeem me, however that meant.
and as I was reading through the ladies stories on the forum,their struggles, hopes and fears, my heart just ached.
I wish I could give every woman in the world who is struggling with loss and infertility a big hug.
The journey is not one I would ever want to make again. I just pray that each one of them experiences the peace, the trust, the hope that God can provide. The absolute truth that God will not lead you down a path that you cannot handle. It may not end the way you would have planned, but when does life ever turn out exactly as we thought it would? But, whatever your story is, God will make it beautiful, if you only let Him.

The boys are growing by leaps and bounds. Ronan is starting to learn how to write or draw his letters. He loves to draw the letter C. Unfortunately he also came down with a cold. The bonus for me? He is super snuggly when he is sick. I adore snuggling my Ronan. I could do it all day long :) Heaven.
Kaden and Trystan are teething, which means... Fussy :) they are also mastering their army crawls, and Kaden even pulled himself to a sitting position, from a laying down position!!!
Last night Kaden kept rolling onto Trystan in their crib. Crawling on top of him, and pulling on his face and hair... Poor Trystan. It must have happened 3+ times. Time for a second crib.
Our little house is getting pretty cramped :) and it's only going to get smaller lol. We don't plan on moving until we are expecting #4. Which feels really weird to type... I skipped the whole trying to conceive #3 step...

Here are some pics from this week. The first one is Kaden. Whenever I bottle feed him, he feels this need to shove his hand into my mouth and grab my bottom teeth. He falls asleep this way haha.

Have a great week everyone.