I was cleaning underneath my sink and came across some ovulation tests, pg tests, basically my TTC stash. I pulled it out and had this instinctual thought, "I wonder when, or, if I will ovulate this cycle. I should test so that *just in case* I do, we can atleast TRY"... Then I was smacked with reality... What??!!
In NO way what so ever, do I want to be pregnant right now. At alllll. It was just an instinct.
Then my heart wandered back my my TTC days. My support group. Justmommies.com.
I visited my old board this morning, which I still consider to be my home away from home. "once an infertile, always an infertile", which is a saying that i always hated. I soooo wanted to prove my fertility, i wanted to appear as a normal woman. You know the kind that gets "oopsy's" and randomly throws up one morning and realizes she is pregnant ;).
Now, i couldn't wear my badge of "infertile" any more proudly. Some times, people who dont know me, or my journey, look at my life and automatically assume that I am a fertile myrtle. I don't necessarily blame them. Not many 26 year olds have 3 children under 3. But, I find that I *have* to correct them. I need them to know that each of my children were fought desperately for. That they are God given miracles. I don't care what their response is. It just needs to be known. I am not one of those women. I am the one who went through Hell, who cried desperately when she thought it was hopeless. Who died a little inside when one of her miracles died inside her. I put my heart on the line in faith that this journey was God's and that He would redeem me, however that meant.
and as I was reading through the ladies stories on the forum,their struggles, hopes and fears, my heart just ached.
I wish I could give every woman in the world who is struggling with loss and infertility a big hug.
The journey is not one I would ever want to make again. I just pray that each one of them experiences the peace, the trust, the hope that God can provide. The absolute truth that God will not lead you down a path that you cannot handle. It may not end the way you would have planned, but when does life ever turn out exactly as we thought it would? But, whatever your story is, God will make it beautiful, if you only let Him.
The boys are growing by leaps and bounds. Ronan is starting to learn how to write or draw his letters. He loves to draw the letter C. Unfortunately he also came down with a cold. The bonus for me? He is super snuggly when he is sick. I adore snuggling my Ronan. I could do it all day long :) Heaven.
Kaden and Trystan are teething, which means... Fussy :) they are also mastering their army crawls, and Kaden even pulled himself to a sitting position, from a laying down position!!!
Last night Kaden kept rolling onto Trystan in their crib. Crawling on top of him, and pulling on his face and hair... Poor Trystan. It must have happened 3+ times. Time for a second crib.
Our little house is getting pretty cramped :) and it's only going to get smaller lol. We don't plan on moving until we are expecting #4. Which feels really weird to type... I skipped the whole trying to conceive #3 step...
Here are some pics from this week. The first one is Kaden. Whenever I bottle feed him, he feels this need to shove his hand into my mouth and grab my bottom teeth. He falls asleep this way haha.
Have a great week everyone.
