I feel like I am on a crazy emotional roller coaster... Let me start by saying all I've eaten is a whimpy egg salad sandwhich. For some reason, with my brain on over drive like this, and all the blood I have given, and information I have received I feel as though i can hardly stand, let alone feed myself and my family...
This is OVERWHELMING.
Let me start with the day. I first had the doppler scan. The blood flow to my uterus looked great. Something about wanting it to be under "3" (whatever that means) and he kept saying numbers averaging in the 1.5's. So that was a GOOD thing.
My mock transfer also went well. He said the cathader went in with ease, no resistance, and placement was great. This was also a GOOD thing.
Next we went back to his office to talk about risks, and the over all process. Risks were all very minimal and the talk was very light, fun, and pleasant.
He started talking about all the new advancement in the biopsy testing aspect of the embryos- which I could tell, he was excited about. For us however, it wasn't anything we are interested in. I explained that it wouldn't matter how any tests came back, and that for us, we choose ALL our fertilized embryos. Even if there may potentially be a child with down syndrome, or any other chromosomal defect. It's not like that is what we would CHOOSE for them, but we believe all life is valuable and has a shot at life in the womb.
He also mentioned that we could get started ASAP even though we are still waiting for Brian's bonus check. So now I am getting super excited- despite the weird sci fy chat lol.
Next we talk to the financial people who inform us that it's in their notes that our insurance is covering our fresh and frozen cycle... what?
NOPE just kidding, there is a new girl and she messed up on the docs... "OH and instead of using the overseas meds you will have to use ours, which is 3K more than you planned..." Okay, she didnt say it like THAT... but once we got all the money stuff in order, she sent us off to the nurse/ coordinator who would talk timing and answer all our questions.
Our Nurse explained that part of ORM's excellent rates are because their meds and protocals... incase I haven't mentioned it before ORM has the high IVF rates in the nation for women under 35 at 72.5. Half of those pregnancies resulting in twins.
So, yeah, i got it. But 4k? She then explained for ME it would be much less because I require less to stimulate. Since I am young with PCOS it should be way less.
They also said that there is some follistim that has been donated that I could have. She wrote up a script of EVERYTHING I would need, from antibiotics, to lupron, to progesterone, menopur, follistim and anything else I might be forgetting. The total came to about 1500. Okay, big sigh. Not nearly as bad as 4,000, and closer to what we would've paid anyway.
Then we start discussing the plan. For some reason I thought I could start the birthcontrol at any time and just hop right to it. Nope, I have to wait until my cycle starts ( probably Sept. 23rd) THEN comes the b/c, then the Lupron, then the stims around Oct 20th (Brian's b-day) with an estimated retreival of November 2nd, and Baby transfer Nov. 7th.
I will be honest, when I heard "November" my heart sunk a little. I was really hoping for it to all happen October. I KNOW it's only a difference of about 3 weeks, but it just feels so far away.
God has this ALL completely under control though. HE knows the best timing, He will take care of everything. I just have to keep reminding myself that...
There really is no point to worry, it will change nothing. I just need to get my head to stop spinning, eat some freaking food, and trust that this will all work out for God's glory.
So there ya have it! I am now just waiting for my period to come... Until then, I am going to enjoy being mama to my sweet boy, and wife to my awesome hubby!
My boys
Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Pictures from the fair
I am trying to dig up the old photo from 8 years ago of Brian and I when we first met. Our parents were being silly and wanted to take pictures of when we first met. I remember being SO embarrassed. However NOW I am really glad they did it.
Until then here are some pictures of us at the Oregon State Fair.
Eating cotton candy for the first time, petting goats, watching chickens hatch in the hatchery, there was a cool toddler zone. And there is a picture of the three of us standing right where Brian and I walked, and where he got cold feet and turned around lol. Oh the places God has taken us these last 8 years. I hope that when we come back next year we can add a new face or two to these pictures :)
Until then here are some pictures of us at the Oregon State Fair.
Eating cotton candy for the first time, petting goats, watching chickens hatch in the hatchery, there was a cool toddler zone. And there is a picture of the three of us standing right where Brian and I walked, and where he got cold feet and turned around lol. Oh the places God has taken us these last 8 years. I hope that when we come back next year we can add a new face or two to these pictures :)
Sunday, August 28, 2011
8 Years Ago...
On August 27th of 2003, I had just graduated highschool, turned 18, and broke up with my bf of 2 years, whom I was sure was "the one"
I went to the Oregon State Fair with some youth group friends, there was a Jars Of Clay concert and I couldn't wait to go. Upon entering the amphitheater, there was hundreds of youth, young adults just ready to rock! My close girlfriends and I clung together and did the "scope", one of my friends more so than I. Ofcourse having come from breaking up with my boyfriend, my heart still ached a little. We walked up the aisles and chose a row. I glanced at the row behind me. One girl, three guys about our age, maybe a little older. One of the guys, in a grey shirt, sunglasses, baseball cap and khakis caught my eye. Very clean cut, all american kind of boy. I quickly brought my gaze back to my girlfriends and we sat down in front of them. I over heard them talking a bit about their future plans. God was clearly a part of their discussion and lives and that intrigued me further. Ofcourse being at a Jars Of Clay concert is a pretty big indicator that the favoring audiences has some kind of faith, or the lyrics wouldn't appeal.
I suddenly recognized one of the voices, I hadn't really noticed him coming in, but a friend from high school named Mike was one of the guys sitting in the group behind me. I turned around and said, "Mike?"
There was a small exchange- mostly awkward when I asked how his engagement with "so-in-so" was, only to find out they had just broken up.
I consoled him, and suddenly Mike's other friends were talking to me. A guy and girl, appeared to be together started asking me about MY future. I told them my desires to study Early Childhood Ed. but my passion above all to be a wife and stay at home mom. The grey shirted boy leaned in further to listen. I suddenly realized he too was involved in the questioning. It started to feel like I was being interviewed, but remained pleasent.
Meanwhile my girlfriends were mostly staying out of it. I got a few nudges in my ribcage while talking, then eventually turned around as the music began. My friend and I whispered about the grey shirted boy. He was cute... I looked behind me during one of the slow songs, he was praying...
MEANWHILE, from the point of view of Brian AKA grey shirted boy. He was visiting his friends who were about to get married. Mike was a mutual friend through YWAM, he was also a groomsmen. Brian was from WA, just visiting. The friends about to be married had a girl picked out for Brian. They were hoping to set them up.
APPARENTLY he noticed me the minute I walked into the amphitheater. His friend must have noticed because he told Brian "Don't even look at her, your eyes are meant for 'so-in-so'" Brian laughed it off.
When they realized I knew Mike, and Brian was becoming more intrigued, the questioning began ;)
The music began and the conversation died. Brian prayed silently for the courage to talk to this red headed girl...
Back to me... I was feeling good. The music was beautiful, the summer night, the lights from the carnival rides, I was gonna do it. I was going to turn around and smile! I gathered my strength, casually turned around and when our eyes met, everything just stopped. I was suddenly shaking and scared. I did it though, I gave him my best smile and he returned.
The rest of the concert I was anxious for it to end to see if we would get the chance to interact.
The concert did finally end, and we casually all made our way to the exit. I knew he was beside me, but he wasn't saying anything. My girlfriend kept nudging me to say something, but I was wanting to be pursued. I had already smiled first! Lol!
As we exited the amphitheater we entered the carnival. Suddenly my friends were gone, they had abandoned me giggling and laughing as if it were all planned. I noticed Grey shirted boy was still next to me walking beside me through the games, also... alone. We were alone walking side by side, a summer night, perfect setting... we walked and walked... silence. It was getting awkward now. I heard a deep sigh, then he was gone.
What had just happened??
A sudden sadness came over me. Ouch. I actually started to cry. My friends caught up with me and asked what happened. Shamefully I explained.
And there you have it. We went our separate ways, and I never saw him, or heard from him again....
Brian went back to his friends embarrassed. He had blown it. When it came down to it, he was just too scared, he was sure that I was "out of his league"... He went back to WA, and casually started getting to know the girl his friends were setting him up with. Back home he shared with his brothers and family about "the red headed girl" talked all about her to the point of annoying them. At his friend's wedding, Mike brought the old highschool year book and showed him my senior pic. He didn't have a way to get a hold of me though, so Brian told Mike that if he ever saw me again, "tell her I want her number"
I started college, and met a guy- let's call him G. He took me to another christian concert, where I ran into Mike afterwards! Weird. G was getting the car and bringing it around for me. Mike started explaining to me about the grey shirted boy, that he had thought I was cute and wanted my number. I freaked out. I must've forgot I was on something of a date and gave Mike ALL of my contact info.
It was a little hard explaining that to G. He asked me if I was willing to break up with him just for a CHANCE with this grey shirt guy. My answer was with out a doubt YES. So.... we ended up breaking up. LOL
I didn't get any calls. I waited and waited...
APPARENTLY Mike "lost" my number...
Brian continued to pester Mike whenever he saw him, but he was leaving for a missions trip soon...
It was now 9 months later. I was doing the whole dating thing- mostly group date type stuff. I figured Grey shirted boy probably had a girlfriend by now. It remained a constant joke among my girl friends though... he was the one... the one who got away....
My college group went out to Applebees and guess who I saw.... MIKE. He came running at me like a wild man, even tripping over a car seat!! He came to me out of breath saying, this has GOT to end. Brian keeps bugging me, but I lost your number. He really wants to get to know you.
"Who is Brian?.... wait... GREY SHIRTED BOY" A unanimous gasp could be heard from me and my girlfriends.... No way... this is crazy, it's been almost a YEAR! How could he remember me? We never even spoke!
Mike had had enough and started dialing his cell phone... I didn't even have time to think...
Brian picked up his phone as he packed his other belonging with his family. They were in the middle of a move. "Hello?"
"Remember the red headed girl from the concert?...." Silence... "Well, here she is!"
Mike Handed me the phone.
We talked for a short while. I asked him a couple questions about the concert to legitimize him. I was still in disbelief. I was shaking the whole time. We exchanged emails and phone numbers and hung up.
I went back to my booth where my friends were anxiously waiting.... "Girls... I am gonna get married" I said as a joke. We all laughed and I told them everything.
Brian's family was in disbelief that the red headed girl was actually REAL. They were astonished when Brian ran into the new house and hooked up his computer and internet before anything else.
By the time I got home that night, I had a new e-mail :)
We e-mailed eachother for a few months, asking 20 questions each time. Then we started talking on the phone.
After 3 months we started realizing that this was getting serious. We were very compatible and clearly this was looking like a "God thing"
We decided to meet. The day I knew he was coming, my mom waited with me upstairs in my bedroom. I couldn't believe we were about to meet... actually touch for the first time.
I heard the doorbell ring and walked down the stairs to meet him. We shook hands and he met my parents. His mom had also come along (our moms started e-mailing and chatting as well and became friends) We went to a local park and our moms went their own way giving us privacy. We swung on the swing together and talked casually.
The time came for him to leave and go back to WA. I gave him a hug and accidentally tripped almost taking him down. He caught me with strong arms and gave me a unexpected tight, warms, but soft hug. We said good bye and agreed to call eachother soon.
It's history after that. I won't bore you with ALL the details, but basically I surprised him in WA, we held hands and a few weeks later he asked me to start courting him. Two weeks after that he asked me to marry him. 6 months later we were married. March 4th 2005.
I went to the Oregon State Fair with some youth group friends, there was a Jars Of Clay concert and I couldn't wait to go. Upon entering the amphitheater, there was hundreds of youth, young adults just ready to rock! My close girlfriends and I clung together and did the "scope", one of my friends more so than I. Ofcourse having come from breaking up with my boyfriend, my heart still ached a little. We walked up the aisles and chose a row. I glanced at the row behind me. One girl, three guys about our age, maybe a little older. One of the guys, in a grey shirt, sunglasses, baseball cap and khakis caught my eye. Very clean cut, all american kind of boy. I quickly brought my gaze back to my girlfriends and we sat down in front of them. I over heard them talking a bit about their future plans. God was clearly a part of their discussion and lives and that intrigued me further. Ofcourse being at a Jars Of Clay concert is a pretty big indicator that the favoring audiences has some kind of faith, or the lyrics wouldn't appeal.
I suddenly recognized one of the voices, I hadn't really noticed him coming in, but a friend from high school named Mike was one of the guys sitting in the group behind me. I turned around and said, "Mike?"
There was a small exchange- mostly awkward when I asked how his engagement with "so-in-so" was, only to find out they had just broken up.
I consoled him, and suddenly Mike's other friends were talking to me. A guy and girl, appeared to be together started asking me about MY future. I told them my desires to study Early Childhood Ed. but my passion above all to be a wife and stay at home mom. The grey shirted boy leaned in further to listen. I suddenly realized he too was involved in the questioning. It started to feel like I was being interviewed, but remained pleasent.
Meanwhile my girlfriends were mostly staying out of it. I got a few nudges in my ribcage while talking, then eventually turned around as the music began. My friend and I whispered about the grey shirted boy. He was cute... I looked behind me during one of the slow songs, he was praying...
MEANWHILE, from the point of view of Brian AKA grey shirted boy. He was visiting his friends who were about to get married. Mike was a mutual friend through YWAM, he was also a groomsmen. Brian was from WA, just visiting. The friends about to be married had a girl picked out for Brian. They were hoping to set them up.
APPARENTLY he noticed me the minute I walked into the amphitheater. His friend must have noticed because he told Brian "Don't even look at her, your eyes are meant for 'so-in-so'" Brian laughed it off.
When they realized I knew Mike, and Brian was becoming more intrigued, the questioning began ;)
The music began and the conversation died. Brian prayed silently for the courage to talk to this red headed girl...
Back to me... I was feeling good. The music was beautiful, the summer night, the lights from the carnival rides, I was gonna do it. I was going to turn around and smile! I gathered my strength, casually turned around and when our eyes met, everything just stopped. I was suddenly shaking and scared. I did it though, I gave him my best smile and he returned.
The rest of the concert I was anxious for it to end to see if we would get the chance to interact.
The concert did finally end, and we casually all made our way to the exit. I knew he was beside me, but he wasn't saying anything. My girlfriend kept nudging me to say something, but I was wanting to be pursued. I had already smiled first! Lol!
As we exited the amphitheater we entered the carnival. Suddenly my friends were gone, they had abandoned me giggling and laughing as if it were all planned. I noticed Grey shirted boy was still next to me walking beside me through the games, also... alone. We were alone walking side by side, a summer night, perfect setting... we walked and walked... silence. It was getting awkward now. I heard a deep sigh, then he was gone.
What had just happened??
A sudden sadness came over me. Ouch. I actually started to cry. My friends caught up with me and asked what happened. Shamefully I explained.
And there you have it. We went our separate ways, and I never saw him, or heard from him again....
Brian went back to his friends embarrassed. He had blown it. When it came down to it, he was just too scared, he was sure that I was "out of his league"... He went back to WA, and casually started getting to know the girl his friends were setting him up with. Back home he shared with his brothers and family about "the red headed girl" talked all about her to the point of annoying them. At his friend's wedding, Mike brought the old highschool year book and showed him my senior pic. He didn't have a way to get a hold of me though, so Brian told Mike that if he ever saw me again, "tell her I want her number"
I started college, and met a guy- let's call him G. He took me to another christian concert, where I ran into Mike afterwards! Weird. G was getting the car and bringing it around for me. Mike started explaining to me about the grey shirted boy, that he had thought I was cute and wanted my number. I freaked out. I must've forgot I was on something of a date and gave Mike ALL of my contact info.
It was a little hard explaining that to G. He asked me if I was willing to break up with him just for a CHANCE with this grey shirt guy. My answer was with out a doubt YES. So.... we ended up breaking up. LOL
I didn't get any calls. I waited and waited...
APPARENTLY Mike "lost" my number...
Brian continued to pester Mike whenever he saw him, but he was leaving for a missions trip soon...
It was now 9 months later. I was doing the whole dating thing- mostly group date type stuff. I figured Grey shirted boy probably had a girlfriend by now. It remained a constant joke among my girl friends though... he was the one... the one who got away....
My college group went out to Applebees and guess who I saw.... MIKE. He came running at me like a wild man, even tripping over a car seat!! He came to me out of breath saying, this has GOT to end. Brian keeps bugging me, but I lost your number. He really wants to get to know you.
"Who is Brian?.... wait... GREY SHIRTED BOY" A unanimous gasp could be heard from me and my girlfriends.... No way... this is crazy, it's been almost a YEAR! How could he remember me? We never even spoke!
Mike had had enough and started dialing his cell phone... I didn't even have time to think...
Brian picked up his phone as he packed his other belonging with his family. They were in the middle of a move. "Hello?"
"Remember the red headed girl from the concert?...." Silence... "Well, here she is!"
Mike Handed me the phone.
We talked for a short while. I asked him a couple questions about the concert to legitimize him. I was still in disbelief. I was shaking the whole time. We exchanged emails and phone numbers and hung up.
I went back to my booth where my friends were anxiously waiting.... "Girls... I am gonna get married" I said as a joke. We all laughed and I told them everything.
Brian's family was in disbelief that the red headed girl was actually REAL. They were astonished when Brian ran into the new house and hooked up his computer and internet before anything else.
By the time I got home that night, I had a new e-mail :)
We e-mailed eachother for a few months, asking 20 questions each time. Then we started talking on the phone.
After 3 months we started realizing that this was getting serious. We were very compatible and clearly this was looking like a "God thing"
We decided to meet. The day I knew he was coming, my mom waited with me upstairs in my bedroom. I couldn't believe we were about to meet... actually touch for the first time.
I heard the doorbell ring and walked down the stairs to meet him. We shook hands and he met my parents. His mom had also come along (our moms started e-mailing and chatting as well and became friends) We went to a local park and our moms went their own way giving us privacy. We swung on the swing together and talked casually.
The time came for him to leave and go back to WA. I gave him a hug and accidentally tripped almost taking him down. He caught me with strong arms and gave me a unexpected tight, warms, but soft hug. We said good bye and agreed to call eachother soon.
It's history after that. I won't bore you with ALL the details, but basically I surprised him in WA, we held hands and a few weeks later he asked me to start courting him. Two weeks after that he asked me to marry him. 6 months later we were married. March 4th 2005.
Monday, August 22, 2011
August 31st!!!!
Not only is August 31st my mother's birthday :) it is also a very important date for our IVF journey!!!!!
My wonderful sister is going to watch Ronan so that Brian and I can get all our testing done in ONE DAY! Brian has been picking up extra shifts to help save money to pay this thing off so to make it more convenient for US we will be doing
The doppler scan- check for good blood flow in uterus ( a good blood flow increases the chances of the embryos survival) a lower blood flow can be increased by acupuncture
A mock transfer- to look for the best placement in the uterus to put the baby(ies)
preliminary blood tests
sperm functionality test
financial consult/ and calendar planning
meeting with DR. B to answer any other Q's
WAHOOOO!!! We are on the way to getting this started!!
OH and just as a heads up for those who know me in real life, I would like to ask that you keep anything I say on here private. I am a very open person in real life, and anyone who asks me will get the answer, but I don't necessarily want to announce it to the world. Everyone has an opinion about ivf and right now all that Brian and I need is support.
We are so thankful and happy for the support we have with our family, blogging friends (all of you awesome people) and some of our friends in real life. God has been so good. We cannot wait to include you all in our journey, just please use discretion.
My wonderful sister is going to watch Ronan so that Brian and I can get all our testing done in ONE DAY! Brian has been picking up extra shifts to help save money to pay this thing off so to make it more convenient for US we will be doing
The doppler scan- check for good blood flow in uterus ( a good blood flow increases the chances of the embryos survival) a lower blood flow can be increased by acupuncture
A mock transfer- to look for the best placement in the uterus to put the baby(ies)
preliminary blood tests
sperm functionality test
financial consult/ and calendar planning
meeting with DR. B to answer any other Q's
WAHOOOO!!! We are on the way to getting this started!!
OH and just as a heads up for those who know me in real life, I would like to ask that you keep anything I say on here private. I am a very open person in real life, and anyone who asks me will get the answer, but I don't necessarily want to announce it to the world. Everyone has an opinion about ivf and right now all that Brian and I need is support.
We are so thankful and happy for the support we have with our family, blogging friends (all of you awesome people) and some of our friends in real life. God has been so good. We cannot wait to include you all in our journey, just please use discretion.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Cycle day 1!
AF arrived this morning!!!!! WAHOOO!!! That means I get to call in my cycle on Monday and we get to start planning and organizing everything.
God has blown us away :) By October (IVF time) we will have saved up the exact amount needed for IVF. The exact amount, paid up front and in full!!!!
We have been penny pinching, Brian has been picking up extra shifts, we completely eliminating cable, brought down our internet to economy, stopped eating out, and spent our date nights at home :)
And it's been worth it. Each night we pray and ask that God be in complete control of the IVF from start to finish. Please pray with us!!! I am doing everything I can to have a healthy lifestyle, vitamins, water, exercise, healthy food, lots of laughter and prayer!
I just cannot believe how close we are to starting this journey. We both feel so led that the timing is just right, and that this is where God is leading us. I cannot wait to see who he is going to bring to this family. I am dying to be pregnant again. To feel those kicks.... AHHHH I just cannot wait. Please please pray for us!!!
God has blown us away :) By October (IVF time) we will have saved up the exact amount needed for IVF. The exact amount, paid up front and in full!!!!
We have been penny pinching, Brian has been picking up extra shifts, we completely eliminating cable, brought down our internet to economy, stopped eating out, and spent our date nights at home :)
And it's been worth it. Each night we pray and ask that God be in complete control of the IVF from start to finish. Please pray with us!!! I am doing everything I can to have a healthy lifestyle, vitamins, water, exercise, healthy food, lots of laughter and prayer!
I just cannot believe how close we are to starting this journey. We both feel so led that the timing is just right, and that this is where God is leading us. I cannot wait to see who he is going to bring to this family. I am dying to be pregnant again. To feel those kicks.... AHHHH I just cannot wait. Please please pray for us!!!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
It's been a weird cycle!
It's currently day 21 for me. Ever since cycle day 18 I have been having really random LH test results. Anything from really light to almost positive, all within a couple hours of each other. Thank you PCOS ;)
After church i took another just for the heck of it. It was immediately positive, weird. Oh well, who knows what is going on in there!
I have started working on my book, ever so slowly piecing together my thoughts. I currently have 20 chapters/ subjects that God has put on my heart to address. While I feel so small and unqualified to even be thinking about writing a book, I really feel God's leading. I certainly haven't had the MOST tragic experiences, I am not a doctor, or had the best education. I am just a 26 year old, trying to follow my heavenly Father's teachings while pursuing fertility treatments. Go ahead and google fertility treatments and Christianity. It's very disheartening the amount of highly opinionated, much assumed garbage out there.
The following paragraphs are rough drafts (very rough ;)of the "my story" section. I kinda took this snipet right out of the middle, so if it feels like it's starting and stopping abruptly you will know why. Going back, recalling my memories and moments of the hardest times of my life was a little painful, but it has impacted me a lot this week. God will see you through your darkest hours, have faith!
If you're interested, here it is:
*******************************************
Brian and I talked it over, prayed it over and felt that we were ready. After all, we didn’t know how long it really would take.
I took my first clomid pill and waited to feel it’s magic powers… nothing. I continued on the cycle charting everything from my temperature,cervical mucas to breast tenderness… ANYTHING I was feeling was incorporated in the clomid cycle. CD 21 came around and the only monitoring I was having was a progesterone check. If it was above 10 my OB considered it a “good” ovulation. My result was 17, great! I ovulated! Now all I had to do was endure the dreaded two week wait to see if it worked!
It just so happened that testing day fell on the weekend that I was visiting Sara and her new little boy. Together we huddled into the bathroom, I peed on the stick, and before you say “ew” we’ve done just about everything together , so this wasn’t weird. I set down the test and covered the result window with my hand. We watched the clock and waited until it was time. I slowly lifted my hand and peaked at my results…. One lonely line. "It was the first try" Sara consoled me. It was true, it was just my first attempt, but the defeat was almost more than I could handle. What had gone wrong? I went into the guest bedroom for privacy and cried harder than I ever had before. Little did I know it was the first deep, heart wrenching cry of many many more to come. Brian found me in the room, encircled me with his arms, and he held me as I wept. Together we prayed.
6 more cycles came and went. All negative. We decided it was time for a break, and that further testing was needed. We had laporoscopy, an HSG, and more blood work. ALL NORMAL. The next month I waited for my period to come, it was unusually late. Being too afraid to take another pregnancy test and see that horrid line, I called and made an appt for a blood test. I shook all day, my stomach had 1,000 butterflies trapped inside as I waited for the results. I was at a teachers conference in Portland and even though I was supposed to be paying attention, all I could do was stare at my phone. My coworkers all saw as my phone vibrated. We excused ourselves (yes, they were just as invested in my fertility drama as I was) and I listened intently on the phone as I heard the nurse say to me, “congratulations Melissa, you are PREGNANT” All I could do was cry. My friends immediately thought the worst and encircled me with hugs and support. I somehow managed to speak the words I had longed to say my whole life, “I am pregnant” cries of joy, screaming and celebrating took place and dozens of teachers none the wiser looked at us like lunatics. I didn’t care. I WAS PREGNANT!!! I spent the next few weeks with my hand glued to my belly. I wanted EVERYONE to know. I had all the symptoms and I LOVED it. At 6 weeks I had and early ultrasound to see my miracle. Everything looked perfect. My mom and husband were there crying and holding my hand. Everything looked perfect until they looked at my baby’s heart. No one said anything, but I knew. I knew deep down that something wasn’t right. 55 beats per minute was too slow.
I tried to stay optimistic. Maybe the machine was wrong, maybe the baby’s heart has JUST started beating.
The call I got later only confirmed my fears, “you will most likely miscarry your baby”… I can not begin to express to you how horrible the next few days were… just waiting. I prayed harder than I ever prayed. I prayed for a miracle. Brian and I named our little one Adriel. All this praying for him or her without a name seemed wrong. I made an appt for a follow up ultrasound. It was 5 days away. I could hardly stand the waiting.
The time finally came for the ultrasound. Right away on the screen I saw Adriel. Perfection, with a beautiful heart rate of 171. PERFECT. It was a miracle.
I was filled with joy and it showed! Everything was okay. I could finally breath and enjoy my pregnancy. Everything progressed just as it should. And I couldn’t wait for my next appt, 12 weeks! I knew that at this appointment I was going to get to HEAR Adriel’s heart on the Doppler.
The time came and as my doctor placed the gel on my tummy my husband held my hand and we waited in anticipation to hear that beautiful “thump thump thump”…. “sometimes it’s hard to find” he said. He continued to search with the Doppler. Every once in awhile I would hear something, but my doctor informed me it was my own racing heart he was picking up. Nothing. No heart beat. Fear, complete and utter fear struck me to the bone. He brought in an ultrasound machine, old and grainy but still up and running. He searched and searched until he found the dark sac. Inside was a small white blob of perfection, my Adriel… with no heart beat. My doctor was devastated for us. The odds of loosing a baby after seeing a promising heart rate is very very low. Under 5%. I was sent to the ER for confirmation. I think I blocked most of that visit out of my mind. I remember the DR saying in his very cold clinical words “fetal demise” and something about a D&C.
We scheduled my D&C the Day after Thanksgiving. I remember being so depressed and empty, feeling sick to my stomach with the medicine they gave me. I threw up everything in my stomach prior to the surgery. When they hooked up my IV I was glad. I was so thankful I was being put out. Part of me hoped I never woke up and I could just slip away into Heaven with Adriel.
I did wake up though, and the sudden realization that my womb was utterly empty struck me to the core. “my baby, my baby!” I sobbed to the nurses. They held my hand and cried with me. “ My baby is gone…”
*******************************************
Thank you LORD for delivering me. What a heart ache that time in my life was. It didn't get easier for quite some time after that either. However, God was with me, and while it hurts to look back and remember- I can see how God touched me and has allowed me to draw off my pain to help others and encourage them. It's amazing to know that my Adriel is in the arms of his creator. What a joyous day when we are reunited.
After church i took another just for the heck of it. It was immediately positive, weird. Oh well, who knows what is going on in there!
I have started working on my book, ever so slowly piecing together my thoughts. I currently have 20 chapters/ subjects that God has put on my heart to address. While I feel so small and unqualified to even be thinking about writing a book, I really feel God's leading. I certainly haven't had the MOST tragic experiences, I am not a doctor, or had the best education. I am just a 26 year old, trying to follow my heavenly Father's teachings while pursuing fertility treatments. Go ahead and google fertility treatments and Christianity. It's very disheartening the amount of highly opinionated, much assumed garbage out there.
The following paragraphs are rough drafts (very rough ;)of the "my story" section. I kinda took this snipet right out of the middle, so if it feels like it's starting and stopping abruptly you will know why. Going back, recalling my memories and moments of the hardest times of my life was a little painful, but it has impacted me a lot this week. God will see you through your darkest hours, have faith!
If you're interested, here it is:
*******************************************
Brian and I talked it over, prayed it over and felt that we were ready. After all, we didn’t know how long it really would take.
I took my first clomid pill and waited to feel it’s magic powers… nothing. I continued on the cycle charting everything from my temperature,cervical mucas to breast tenderness… ANYTHING I was feeling was incorporated in the clomid cycle. CD 21 came around and the only monitoring I was having was a progesterone check. If it was above 10 my OB considered it a “good” ovulation. My result was 17, great! I ovulated! Now all I had to do was endure the dreaded two week wait to see if it worked!
It just so happened that testing day fell on the weekend that I was visiting Sara and her new little boy. Together we huddled into the bathroom, I peed on the stick, and before you say “ew” we’ve done just about everything together , so this wasn’t weird. I set down the test and covered the result window with my hand. We watched the clock and waited until it was time. I slowly lifted my hand and peaked at my results…. One lonely line. "It was the first try" Sara consoled me. It was true, it was just my first attempt, but the defeat was almost more than I could handle. What had gone wrong? I went into the guest bedroom for privacy and cried harder than I ever had before. Little did I know it was the first deep, heart wrenching cry of many many more to come. Brian found me in the room, encircled me with his arms, and he held me as I wept. Together we prayed.
6 more cycles came and went. All negative. We decided it was time for a break, and that further testing was needed. We had laporoscopy, an HSG, and more blood work. ALL NORMAL. The next month I waited for my period to come, it was unusually late. Being too afraid to take another pregnancy test and see that horrid line, I called and made an appt for a blood test. I shook all day, my stomach had 1,000 butterflies trapped inside as I waited for the results. I was at a teachers conference in Portland and even though I was supposed to be paying attention, all I could do was stare at my phone. My coworkers all saw as my phone vibrated. We excused ourselves (yes, they were just as invested in my fertility drama as I was) and I listened intently on the phone as I heard the nurse say to me, “congratulations Melissa, you are PREGNANT” All I could do was cry. My friends immediately thought the worst and encircled me with hugs and support. I somehow managed to speak the words I had longed to say my whole life, “I am pregnant” cries of joy, screaming and celebrating took place and dozens of teachers none the wiser looked at us like lunatics. I didn’t care. I WAS PREGNANT!!! I spent the next few weeks with my hand glued to my belly. I wanted EVERYONE to know. I had all the symptoms and I LOVED it. At 6 weeks I had and early ultrasound to see my miracle. Everything looked perfect. My mom and husband were there crying and holding my hand. Everything looked perfect until they looked at my baby’s heart. No one said anything, but I knew. I knew deep down that something wasn’t right. 55 beats per minute was too slow.
I tried to stay optimistic. Maybe the machine was wrong, maybe the baby’s heart has JUST started beating.
The call I got later only confirmed my fears, “you will most likely miscarry your baby”… I can not begin to express to you how horrible the next few days were… just waiting. I prayed harder than I ever prayed. I prayed for a miracle. Brian and I named our little one Adriel. All this praying for him or her without a name seemed wrong. I made an appt for a follow up ultrasound. It was 5 days away. I could hardly stand the waiting.
The time finally came for the ultrasound. Right away on the screen I saw Adriel. Perfection, with a beautiful heart rate of 171. PERFECT. It was a miracle.
I was filled with joy and it showed! Everything was okay. I could finally breath and enjoy my pregnancy. Everything progressed just as it should. And I couldn’t wait for my next appt, 12 weeks! I knew that at this appointment I was going to get to HEAR Adriel’s heart on the Doppler.
The time came and as my doctor placed the gel on my tummy my husband held my hand and we waited in anticipation to hear that beautiful “thump thump thump”…. “sometimes it’s hard to find” he said. He continued to search with the Doppler. Every once in awhile I would hear something, but my doctor informed me it was my own racing heart he was picking up. Nothing. No heart beat. Fear, complete and utter fear struck me to the bone. He brought in an ultrasound machine, old and grainy but still up and running. He searched and searched until he found the dark sac. Inside was a small white blob of perfection, my Adriel… with no heart beat. My doctor was devastated for us. The odds of loosing a baby after seeing a promising heart rate is very very low. Under 5%. I was sent to the ER for confirmation. I think I blocked most of that visit out of my mind. I remember the DR saying in his very cold clinical words “fetal demise” and something about a D&C.
We scheduled my D&C the Day after Thanksgiving. I remember being so depressed and empty, feeling sick to my stomach with the medicine they gave me. I threw up everything in my stomach prior to the surgery. When they hooked up my IV I was glad. I was so thankful I was being put out. Part of me hoped I never woke up and I could just slip away into Heaven with Adriel.
I did wake up though, and the sudden realization that my womb was utterly empty struck me to the core. “my baby, my baby!” I sobbed to the nurses. They held my hand and cried with me. “ My baby is gone…”
*******************************************
Thank you LORD for delivering me. What a heart ache that time in my life was. It didn't get easier for quite some time after that either. However, God was with me, and while it hurts to look back and remember- I can see how God touched me and has allowed me to draw off my pain to help others and encourage them. It's amazing to know that my Adriel is in the arms of his creator. What a joyous day when we are reunited.
Monday, August 1, 2011
BUSY SUMMER!!! And updates
Time for updates! I apologize for the lack of blogging lately.
We have been thoroughly enjoying family and sun :) Ronan is becoming such an independent little man! He loves doing just about everything by himself, his vocabulary has exploded, and is probably the most social little toddler ever.
His favorite thing to say is, "Where are youuuu?" He will run and hide, then shout, "Where are yooouuu?" lol. He gets really excited about night time and has his routine down pat. Last night he even turned his ipod on by himself, selected his night time music and said, "nigh nigh time?"
He then crawled in my lap, we read Goodnight moon, and then we prayed together. When we pray he folds his hands, we say thank you for our blessings, tell God how much we love Him, and then we pray for Ronan's salvation... every night! Then I say, "Amen" and Ronan says "AAAAAAmen" It melts my heart <3
This month we are going to the butterfly exhibit, the aquarium at the coast, the Air Show, and the fair!
Here are some pictures of the fun we have been having the last couple weeks :)
Ronan milking a fake cow lol
Ronan with his Grammy :)
In other news It is August- which means it is almost time to start testing (September) then TREATMENT (October) I cannot wait to see the plans the Lord has for our family.
In other, OTHER news, God has been laying on my heart a lot of things... I think I know now why I have been through certain things in my life. I know why God has shaped me this way. I KNOW how I can use what I have been through to bless others...
When deciding to move forward with IVF as a family I spent a lot of time doing research and found that the information for Christian women/ families regarding ART ( artificial reproductive tech.) and infertility is sadly limited and HIGHLY opinionated with little to NO sound Biblical truths.
I feel that God has called me to piece together a book of all my findings and experiences of infertility and loss.
I might share bits and pieces with you all as God helps me pull it together- however I will warn you all... I am still warming up to the idea of people criticizing me or my writing. It scares me to death, but I really feel called to open up the lines of communication regarding Christianity and Infertility.
Hope this week is full of summer fun for all of you!!!!
We have been thoroughly enjoying family and sun :) Ronan is becoming such an independent little man! He loves doing just about everything by himself, his vocabulary has exploded, and is probably the most social little toddler ever.
His favorite thing to say is, "Where are youuuu?" He will run and hide, then shout, "Where are yooouuu?" lol. He gets really excited about night time and has his routine down pat. Last night he even turned his ipod on by himself, selected his night time music and said, "nigh nigh time?"
He then crawled in my lap, we read Goodnight moon, and then we prayed together. When we pray he folds his hands, we say thank you for our blessings, tell God how much we love Him, and then we pray for Ronan's salvation... every night! Then I say, "Amen" and Ronan says "AAAAAAmen" It melts my heart <3
This month we are going to the butterfly exhibit, the aquarium at the coast, the Air Show, and the fair!
Here are some pictures of the fun we have been having the last couple weeks :)
Ronan milking a fake cow lol
Ronan with his Grammy :)
In other news It is August- which means it is almost time to start testing (September) then TREATMENT (October) I cannot wait to see the plans the Lord has for our family.
In other, OTHER news, God has been laying on my heart a lot of things... I think I know now why I have been through certain things in my life. I know why God has shaped me this way. I KNOW how I can use what I have been through to bless others...
When deciding to move forward with IVF as a family I spent a lot of time doing research and found that the information for Christian women/ families regarding ART ( artificial reproductive tech.) and infertility is sadly limited and HIGHLY opinionated with little to NO sound Biblical truths.
I feel that God has called me to piece together a book of all my findings and experiences of infertility and loss.
I might share bits and pieces with you all as God helps me pull it together- however I will warn you all... I am still warming up to the idea of people criticizing me or my writing. It scares me to death, but I really feel called to open up the lines of communication regarding Christianity and Infertility.
Hope this week is full of summer fun for all of you!!!!
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