Belly pics :)

It's so easy to hear the heart beat on the doppler now. But I can't yet tell if I am only hearing the same one, or both of them??? Either way, hearing one of them, and fast and healthy is better than none at all. I am confidant both are doing well.

Here are some belly pics!!!!

Pre- pregnancy



And today :)




In Ronan news. He is having a wonderful time with his Grammy and Grandpa. We have been back and forth from their house and ours. They are helping watch him so I can stay on bed rest. It has been such a blessing, but I cannot wait to take him back home to his regular routine. My MIL will be flying in on the 1st to stay with us and watch him there. It will be SO nice to be home.

Ronan's language is just blossoming. He says "binky, were are you?" and "Sippy, where are you?" ALL the time lol. He is still very snuggly, which I love, and is completely oblivious to the fact that his life will be changing drastically in 6 months :)
He is so incredibly crazy, silly and full of so much life and energy. He is an absolute JOY! I love every minute I have the little maniac :)

and as for ME, I am sort of a mess of symptoms right now...

Sciatic pain, massive head aches (with a cold) vomiting the last two nights, congestion etc... all on top of the bed rest.

It's a good thing I love these kiddos :)

Ultrasound #4!

At the ripe old age of 9.5 weeks. My twins have had 4 ultrasound!! LOL.

The check up went great yesterday!!! Both babies measuring right on track, baby B is still in the lead.
A and B put on a show and danced for us ;) Their little arms and legs flailing all over. It was just amazing. I forgot how awesome those first movements are. I cannot wait to FEEL it!!!

The clot was measuring much smaller too! It went from

22x64 mm to 40x30 mm to 20x30 mm!!! HORRAY!!!!

The nurse said that she isn't worried. To continue resting, but that it wasn't posing any risk and that she is confident it will just continue getting smaller and smaller. I was so relieved!!!!

Merry Christmas dear ones!!! May God bless you with lots of love and great memories of 2011 and promises of a new and exciting year in 2012!!!

Thank you God!!!

I am SO EXCITED!!!! Brian tried out the fetal doppler tonight just for the heck of it. I was so bummed because my ultrasound was moved to Friday. It was supposed to be today.
God gave me a better gift :) Brian found their heartbeats in less than 5 minutes with the doppler. We tried a couple days ago and couldn't hear yet, but today I could really feel my uterus moving up, and sure enough BOOM! We heard them both chugging away, strong and fast. Totally different sides of my uterus so that is weird hehe, but obviously the clot isn't hindering them. No bleed for about 2 weeks now... DIE CLOT, DIE!!!!
Go babies GO!!!! I am pretty excited, can you tell?????

Praying that the clot is reduced in size Friday!!! But either way... THANK YOU GOD!!!

I am learning that I am very weak...

With all this bed rest and time on my hands, I find that Satan is having a "hay day" with my thoughts. I have been giving myself over to worry, anxiety, paralyzing fears of the "what ifs"...

I worry that this blood clot will never go away. That it will suck the life right out of my miracles, or cause me to deliver these perfectly healthy babies before their ready.
I worry that I will deliver two still born babies and there is literally NOTHING I can do to prevent it...

I know what I am "supposed to do"... The problem is that I scared. I am scared to give it to God because I do not know what He is going to ask me to do...

What if God asks me to fall in love with these babies, but allows the blood clot to destroy their lives, leaving me with the unbearable agony of living without them?

Those are my fears... so there you have it. I am a completely weak human being. How can I call myself a Christian?
Do I not know and believe that God loves these children as much as any other, as much as ME?
That HE purposefully breathed life into them and already knows amount of days they will live?
That HE is in control of their destiny and all the worry and anxiety I produce is only damaging to my mental and physical health???
That I am wasting my life and time on these negative thoughts???
Do I not know that God is good? And that no matter WHAT i can TRUST Him?

What kind of child of God am I, that I have so little faith?...

I want to enjoy every moment I am pregnant.
I want to anticipate each stage of their development and look forward to their birth!
I want to rejoice in the moment, without the fear of what MAY be...
I want to love and trust God, worship Him during this time.
I want to make it through this bed rest and try to somehow enjoy it, learn something about myself.
I want to see Ronan become a big brother and embrace his new siblings.
I want to come out of this a stronger, better woman.

I will appreciate every day I don't bleed ( which is currently 7 days and counting)
I will focus on the good things, and hold on to hope!
I will remind myself that the odds are in my favor, and it is rare to loose a baby to a blood clot.
I will trust God to lead me and my family. I will trust Him with my babies.
I will stop resenting Brian for being able to get out of the house and take his mind off our troubles- and thank God he has such a good job that provides for us.
I will be the best wife and mom that I can be while on bed rest.
I will honor God during this time...

Lord, I am so weak. Please forgive me. Help me to trust you. Lord, you are so good, and I insult you by worrying and being fearful.
I do ask that you heal my body and remove the blood clot, and until you do, I will relax, and have faith.
Thank you for loving me. I cannot wait to spend ETERNITY with you!

Amen.

Ultrasound checkup...

So, right away we saw the babies and that both had heartbeats. He told me he had been a little concerned for baby A, but that he seemed to catch right up and was measuring 8 weeks 5 days. ( I was 8 weeks 3 days) Heart rate for A was 188.
Baby B looked amazing, 8 weeks 6 days with a heart rate of 179. She surprised us with a wiggle! (yes, I am saying 'he' and 'she' lol- it's my prediction :)
So the babies looked great...

My blood baby... AKA stupid blood clot, is still there. SLIGHTLY smaller, but mostly just changing in it's shape. It's more round now and appears to be harmlessly floating in there.
I hate the risk it poses to my precious babies and I want it GONE!!! PLEASE pray that it reabsorbes soon.
I am continuing bedrest until it's gone, or until 12 weeks.... after that it is indefinite...
I have read that most resolve themselves by the 20th week. I hope that is true.

I want these babies so bad. It's almost harder because I can see how healthy and beautiful they are. My heart aches at the small chance that the blood clot could screw it all up.

Lord,
You are the only one who can control this situation. I am powerless. Please, heavenly Father allow that blood clot to be GONE. Please allow the bed rest to do the trick. Spare my babies, and allow them to safely grow in my womb until they are ready to breath the air outside. I ask this in your son's holy name, Amen.

Here is A and B



Baby A


Baby B

8 weeks 1 day.... and a LOT of bed rest :)

So, the scary red blood has been gone since 6 AM Friday morning. Thank you LORD! My doctor told me I would probably still have bleeding, but thankfully so far it's been clear. I have had some light spotting of old blood (TMI- i know)

Living life strapped to my bed isn't amazing, but I really can't complain. My babies are alive, and Lord willing, they are still thriving. Thursday really cannot come soon enough.

I hope to have my ultrasound pics scanned in soon- it's been a little hectic around here...
My mom has been here taking care of Ronan, Brian has been the best, and my church family is blessing us with meals... We are so very blessed.

Please continue to pray for my Babies A and B :) It kills me to not know what is going on in there...

What a horrible night...

So, last night around 6 pm i started leaking fluid. It was pink and quickly started turning bright red... Needless to say, it was horrifying...

I spent all night lying awake in complete terror. I wanted to go to the ER, but my RE told me that he thought it would be okay, and to come in in the morning.
I could NOT see how it was going to be okay with all that blood....

This morning we drove straight to the office and prayed for it to be okay.

Some how, the babies were still chugging away. Heart rates BOTH 179 bpm. Baby A was measuring 7 weeks 2 days ( I am 7 weeks 4 days) so ofcourse that freaked me out... But my doctor wasn't concerned... Baby B however was 7 weeks 5 days.

Beneath the babies was the source of the bleeding. Apparently one of the corners of one of the placentas is detached and pumping blood into my uterus.
It NEEDS to clot or the babies won't get their nourishment... SO I am on strict bedrest for a while...

Please pray that the babes stay strong and my bleeding gets under control. I am still pretty dang scared, but so happy to see that they are okay for now...

It was seriously the WORST day of my life... blech...

I will add pics later... as always, the babies looked perfect and cute as ever :)

7 weeks 2 days

I suppose I should start some belly pics... The problem is that I feel like I already look 4 months pregnant!!!! I am so bloated. And NO I am definitely NOT complaining, but wow. The nausea is pretty intense, along with all the other aches and pains of pregnancy, but it will all be worth it.

Friday I have another ultrasound. I am VERY excited to see the babies again. Lord willing they are growing well, and both hearts are beating away :)

Lord,
Take away my anxieties, allow me to trust and fall in love with these babies. So many scary things can happen during pregnancy, and sadly I have experienced it before. However, I ask that you not allow fear to take over my joy. Lord, help me to embrace these miracle and please DO keep them safe.
Amen

It will be SO GOOD when I can feel them moving, and when I can pick up their heart beats with the doppler...
Until then, I will trust in the Lord...

WoW! Great news... X's TWO!

Heartbeat of Baby A- which was 132 BPM. Baby A measured 6 weeks 4 days!!! Heartbeat of Baby B- 125 BPM. Baby B measured 6 weeks 2 days!!!Today I am 6 weeks 2 days so, they are right on target!!!!!!It is really hard to see BOTH in their sacs right now at the same time because Baby B is tucked in a We are beyond thrilled and feeling so incredibly blessed to be having these TWINS. TWINS!!!!I AM EATING FOR 3!!!!!! am going to go from having ONE child to THREE!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!I cannot thank God enough. I feel so unworthy to have been blessed with these babies!!!! I know it will be hard work, but I am just.... I am so up for this.Thank you Lord... Please keep praying for them. It's still early... Dr. B puts my M/C risk in the single digits, so that makes me feel better.Can you believe it???? TWINS!!!!!

5 weeks 2 days

Just a quick check in before the craziness of Thanksgiving :) Brian and I will be spending some time with family that we haven't seen in a while- so excited!

I am feeling good for the most part. My body feels like it has been drugged though. I am SO tired nearly ALL the time, peeing every 3-4 hours. My ligaments are pinching and pulling, sciatic is starting to act up- although not unbearably so. Nausea fallows just about every meal and I am REALLY craving salty things and vegtables.

For fun I have been peeing on OPK's lol. It's fun to see them SO DARK, I never did that last pregnancy.

I am dying for the next week to go by as FAST as possible. I am so ready to see my baby(ies) and a healthy heart beat(s)
I get nervous about a repeat or my first pregnancy... so nervous sometimes. I try to remind myself that I wasn't being treated then, and that these embryos were graded so well, my HCG levels look excellent, I am young, and know my body can carry a child to full term.
So, for the most part I am SO excited, but I just think that once your eyes have been opened to what CAN happen, it sorta spoils the chance of having that blissful nieve attitude most people carry once they see a positive test. Like, everything will be perfect and the baby will arrive 9 months later exactly, you know... like in the movies ;)

I trust God's plan. I have to. He is in control of it all, and I am HAPPY He is. Starting from day one, Brian and I trust our children to the Lord. He knows the number of their days, and there is no sense in worrying. So I am focusing on just enjoying every moment I have with this pregnancy and these babies. Being thankful for the Lord's work and resting in it.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday!!!

Egg retrieval and transfer pictures

Here's some fun pictures to go in my scrapbook :)
These first few are me prepping for the egg retrieval- Brian even snuck a pic of me when they brought me back in and I was still out lol.







*********************************************************************

And here are a few 5 days later when I had my little ones put back- to STAY!!!





I also have an ultrasound image of him actually placing them back into my uterus, and ofcourse the pictures of the babies themselves :)

Again... THANK YOU LORD!!

2nd beta is back

I just got the numbers from my 2nd beta. I about bawled on the phone...
The numbers MORE than doubled!!!

14 DPO 315.2

16 DPO 855

I am so relieved!!!!! The 6 1/2 weeks ultrasound is scheduled for Nov. 30th with my RE!!!

I also got my first two OB appts scheduled! Feeling very productive, very blessed and just a little nauseous...

*THANK YOU LORD*

BETA #1 (blood pregnancy test)

My RE just called! The first words out of his mouth? "Congratulations!"

He wanted to see the HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) atleast around 30-40. My results? 315.2!!!!!

All of my other hormones were above average as well. He said atleast twice that everything looked GREAT!

I will have a second blood draw on Wednesday to make sure it is rising properly.

PRAISE GOD!!!!

Oh... and incase you didn't catch just HOW HIGH my levels were, they are DEFINITELY in the twin range.
The average HCG number for a normal singleton pregnancy is between 95-223
The average HCG for a normal twin pregnancy is between 146-803

Only time will tell, and we will take whatever He gives us, with a FULL heart

And for fun, here is a test from this morning ;)

12 dpo/ Transition for Ronan

Today is 12 DPO, this was the time I had a BETA for Ronan. For IVF I am having it 14 DPO. I don't know why, but it doesn't really matter.
I feel at peace right now about it. I took a test today. My line is definitely making some progress :)



On a separate note, Ronan has transitioned to a toddler bed. He kept trying to climb out of the crib... He LOVES his new bed, and I am so pleased and proud of how well he is transitioning.
The bedding is anything but fancy. It's all his favorite things though. He HAS to have his giant gorilla, spider man pillow, toy story pillow, baby blanket (formerly Brian's baby blanket) and one of my pillows :)





This is how it looked before



So yeah, our house has been filled with changes lately :)
I feel so blessed. So thankful...

Can't deny the digital test!

10 DPO...

And GOD IS GOOD! Can I get an AMEN???

I haven't seen something this beautiful in a while. It's still very faint because it's SO early... But it popped up pretty fast :)



10 days past fertilization, and either one or two of those beautiful babies are nestled in! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I was getting faint positives yesterday, but they were so so barely there I just wasn't sure... I thought about keeping everyone in the dark until I got my beta test but it is still 4 days away and I cannot hold back my excitement or my praises any longer!!!

THANK YOU LORD!!!!!!

OH, and please please DO NOT MENTION THIS ON FACEBOOK! Lord willing everything will go well with our little one(s) and we will announce around Christmas time, when the bab(ies) will be around 9-10 weeks.

Continue praying for my babies!!!

If you are curious about symptoms here they are:
Achy breasts
Mild stetching/ cramping in uterus
Gagging everytime I brush my teeth
SO TIRED
Weepy and emotional

Thank you to everyone who has been supporting us and lifting us up in prayers!!! Infertility is a long, hard and emotional journey- unbearable at times... It is moments like these I am reminded of just how Amazing God is that He can knock my socks off like this and just bless me in a way so deep I will never ever forget.

Praise you Lord. All glory goes to YOU! AMEN!!!!

Great expectations?

God is teaching me a lot right now....

First let me start by saying that I was just about heart broken to learn this morning that only 2 of the 5 early blasts continued to grow. Meaning that only 2 were frozen.
The good news is that they were both perfect quality 4AA and 5AA (already starting to hatch)
More than anything it was a blow to my expectation of how many I thought I would have. I thought being young I would have a good 10 frozen. THEN I wouldn't be so afraid, because if the first one didn't work I would have the others... They were my security blanket. My FALSE security blanket.
God is the only thing I can bank on. And what I know about God is that He always knows better than I do, and that worrying is a waste of time. God allowed us these 4 lives for a reason. He knew I never wanted to leave any behind, He knows which ones will make it and I should fully rely on His sovereignty.

As much as I constantly struggle with it, I must remind myself that my infertility does NOT define me. My struggle with conceiving doesn't make me less of a woman. God designed my body, and unfortunately because of sin and the fallen world I have a stupid disease that effects my fertility, but it has no reflection of my worth in God's eyes.

I have two healthy babies just waiting to implant (probably today or tomorrow) and two more siblings waiting to join the Holman pack later :)
I am blessed.

Lord, make my womb hospitable. Allow these little lives to implant. BOTH of them Lord, protect them both and allow them both a safe implantation. We love you and trust you. I ask that it be your will that we meet these precious ones in July.
In Your Name I pray,
AMEN!

My beautiful babies :)

My family just prayed with me, and I am already feeling better.

God I trust you. I had hoped for more, but YOU know the big picture. I trust you with these new lives and I trust that you will protect and grow the little ones inside now. Give me peace, remove my anxiety.

Thank you for these perfect little embryos. Protect their siblings. I love you, Lord

I'm BACK!

Well i am home and in bed! My doctor said it went perfect. They transferred two grade AA blastocysts, told me there was one other blastocyst and 5 early blasts still growing. I won't know until tomorrow if any of them will be "potential baby material" They both felt comfortable saying I would definitely have some to freeze, I just can't help but feel slightly defeated... I was really hoping out of 20 mature eggs I would have a good solid 6-7 blasts, and now it looks like I will be lucky to get 3 or 4 ( besides the 2 in me now)

I am just feeling very emotional today and having a hard time feeling optimistic... Please pray for the 5 still growing....

And that God wrap His arms around the two in my womb now. Pray that they safely attach and grow!!!

FERTILITY REPORT IS IN!!!!

FERTILITY REPORT IS IN!!!!

Of the 25 eggs taken, 20 were mature. Of the 20 mature, 13 fertilized naturally/normally.

She said that usually about 1/2 make it to blast so that would put me around 6-7 blasts? Transfer 2 fresh and have about 4-5 to freeze?

AHHHHHH!!!! 13 little ones growing! I cannot believe it! I wish I were going to get more updates :( I don't think I will hear anymore until my transfer Saturday!

It is so crazy to think that even when all is aligned that there can still be 7 perfectly good/ mature eggs (atleast to the naked eye) that still don't get fertilized. Life really is a miracle.

Only God knows which of those fertilized eggs will be compatible with life. I cannot help but cheer them all on. They are little HOLMANS! However 14 kids would be a lot lol. God knows our number, and whatever it is, we will take it!!!!

PLEASE pray for our little eggs!

Happy Halloween/ retrieval day!!

I am back and feeling goooooood from all the drugs lol.

It was so great, everyone was all decked out in Halloween costumes. I LOVE my clinic. They took me back to the room, got me prepped (pics to come) and then when I went back to the room where they do the retrieval they got my "cocktail" ready lol and started playing "Thriller" LOL. They were all so much fun and reassuring.

I woke up and they told me everything was perfect and they got 25 eggs!!!! She said she was impressed because that is more than most egg donors produce, so, YAY! I am a little crampy so I have a heating pad, and all my cozies on.


As we speak God is orchestrating my little family right now. The sperm and eggs are left alone to let nature take it's course, They will tell me tomorrow morning how many of the eggs fertilized. (not all will)
THEN they will leave them alone until day 5- the day that a fertilized egg would move from the Fallopian tube to the uterus- and they will tell me how many survived/ where the correct chromosomal matches. Of the survived/ healthy eggs 2 will be transferred back to my womb. My other blessing will be frozen until I can come back and have them transferred as well.

God- PLEASE keep them safe. Protect all of my babies until they are able to be transferred. May you guide the doctors hands and orchestrate this entire process to please YOU. YOU are the giver of life. Thank you for allowing me to use modern medicine. May I honor you and bring glory to your name. Praise you LORD!!!!!

Follow your gut :)

I had this feeling from the very beginning that our retrieval would be on the 31st and our babies would be conceived on Halloween. It would just be too perfect - given that Ronan was conceived on Friday the 13th lol.

So the appt today showed a "perfect lining" of 12mm with a triple pattern lining. And about 25 mature follicles between 16-18mm.

I have one more ultrasound tomorrow to confirm that everything is set for trigger TOMORROW NIGHT!!!!

Halloween morning will be the retrieval/ fertilization

Saturday the 5th they will transfer 2 embryos back.

Oregon Reproductive has pretty much THE BEST freezing program ever and my RE said that my success rates would be about the same for all of my "sibling" frozen embryos. All of the remaining embryos will be frozen and Brian and I will come back for them over the next 10 years. I hope to be done by 35, however no embryo left behind :)

with 25 mature follicles I cannot wait to see what God does with fertilization!!!!!

Go God Go!!!!

Another appointment and ultrasound done! Follicles grew! Looks like they are all hanging in there so far and averaging around 11-12mm. Once they reach about 18mm they will probably instruct me to administer my trigger shot.
He wanted my Estrodiol (E2) to double from last time, but he imagined it would be a little higher than 640... It was 939!! My follistim has been lowered to 50 (from 100) to prevent OHSS. I have an appt scheduled for friday and saturday. My gut says Saturday will be trigger day, making Monday , Halloween retrieval/ conception day!

My 22 month old...

Can say almost all his shapes: Circle, square, rectangle, oval, triangle, diamond, heart, moon, stars etc...

He actually DREW an intentional circle today!!!!

He does this all LEFT handed

He is an amazing communicator. Always telling me when he is "all done", Says, "oh no!" when something has gone wrong, asks for "help please" when he is struggling, "hungry", "Nigh nigh time" when he is tired, and asks for "nigh nigh kisses". He can even requests certain books by name.

He knows songs when he sees certain words and pictures in his song book. He LOVES to sing "Home Home on the Range" and "America the Beautiful" out of the book his Grandma gave him.

When I practice the choreography for the church Christmas musical, he joins me lol. He knows almost all the dance moves and has favorite parts :)

He follows directions SO WELL!!! I just asked him to pick up his spoon and put it back on the table. He understands and listens so well!
Or when he throws his puzzle pieces and I ask him to pick them back up and put them away. It may take a few times asking, but he listens and obeys.

He loves to play with our dog Hazel. Throwing balls for her, chasing her...

In the morning he still comes into bed with mommy and snuggles for a good hour :)

His transitional object is his binky and I am OKAY with that. He is beyond where he should be developmentally

He loves to point out the birds at the park, and any other animals he may spot in the Northwest.

I could just go one.... I am just so proud of my little boy today. What an incredible blessing from God he is. I am so deeply grateful for his presence in my life every day. He is teaching me to love God more, be thankful for the little things in life, and enjoy and embrace the bigger picture as to why I am even HERE! I don't deserve him, but thank GOD he is my little treasure.
I can only hope to be even more blessed and allow Ronan the joy of siblings... God is so good, am I right???

Ultrasound checkup!

Stims day 4! Actually only 3.5! I take the Menopur in the morning, but have yet to take the follistim.

I am BACK from my Appointment.... I was definitely not expecting that... Neither was my doctor. I had about 15 follicles averaging 8-9 mm on each ovary- so about 30 follicles total! I know that is how many i reported to having available last check up- but we didn't think that with the TINY amount of medicine they were giving me that ALL of them would start to grow!
He said that if he wanted to, he could probably retrieve 50 eggs. He is hoping that they can get a good 20- 30 follicles that are a good size... I am however at a risk for OHSS so they are watching me CLOSE. I am drinking tons of fluid and gatorade. I just cannot believe it. I am only on one vial of menopur and 100 iu of follistim... crazy. I will get the estrodiol back any minute- just waiting. Then I will find out if they will adjust my meds.

He also said that this means my stimming will probably be much shorter- yikes. I am totally just processing all this. My biggest fear is over stimming and having to freeze it all and wait MORE...

Please pray that they continue to grow over time at a steady rate and that I dont hyper stim. My RE seemed very pleased and blown away with my response, so for now I am rejoicing!!!

Here are some pics of my follistim injection. It's a really cool pen looking thing. Looks alot scarier than it feels. The menopur is the WORST! Burns going in. It will all be worth it though!!!

Supression check... CHECK!

I talked with God yesterday before my appointment... "today is a big appointment, God. If the medicine has done it's job, and all my hormones check out, we will be given the 'go ahead' and our money will be due... Lord, please allow it to go well, but Lord if it isn't your will, once again, PLEASE make it clear. Make there be a cyst, an abnormal hormone response... something... Amen"

WELL, I get to my appointment, and it all went more than perfect. They started by weighing me. I had a goal in mind. A healthy weight for my height is 140 lbs. I wanted to be 135 for IVF. I have been working my buns off and it turned out they wanted to weigh be and take all my vitals for a base line. They weighed me, and with my jeans, sweater dress and everything I was 134! WAHOOO.

Next, the ultrasound. Immediately I could see the lining was thin, that was good too. Then they moved to my ovaries- NO CYSTS. He counted all the tiny antral follicles, which basically tell him how many I have available to grow with the stimulation medication. I had 15+ on my left ovary and 16 + on the right. So over 30 eggs available... WOW.

THEN he told me the best news... He wanted me to start the meds EARLY!!! SO i got to start my meds today! I have taken the Menopur this morning, then I take the follistim tonight.
We discussed that my dose is pretty conservative because of my age and all my eggs... we might have to increase it on Monday. We just really don't want me to OVER stim.

So there we have it!! I am officially DOING THIS!!! Lord, I give you complete control over my body. I ask that you would guide the doctor's hands and minds. I pray that Your WILL be done, and that this would ultimately show YOUR glory. Please allow this to go smooth and allow us a safe pregnancy and delivery. I thank you so much for this opportunity. Help me to stay relaxed and to enjoy this process. You are so good, and I trust you. I love you Lord. In your name, Amen.

And so it begins...

"It has already been taken care of..."

Today Brian and I went to the pharmacy to buy all of our medicine for the IVF cycle. We figured, better to just get most of it all at once- it was going to be expensive. The pharmacists were very nice, and had everything all ready to go. As we were ringing everything up he just stopped, looked at us and said, "Okay, looks like you are set to go".... Brian, card in hand said, "well, I still have to pay..." The pharmmacist says, "no, it has been taken care of"

WHAT???

"an anonymous donor has paid for it in full..." With our eyes wide, mouths gaping open, we said thank you, and that we'd be back if we needed any refills, or supplies and sorta walked away like zombies... we had no idea how to respond. The next thing we knew, we both had tears streaming down our faces and we were walking aimlessly around the store not knowing how to register this new information. That is close to 2,000 dollars of medicine...

I have no idea who did this... But I only hope and pray they know how incredibly blessed we feel. God used them to meet a need and touch our hearts in a way that nothing else could.

PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!

It's just all coming together. I feel so undeserving of the support, love and now this blessing...

I am still a little blow away...



Here is a picture of our meds! You can't see it, but in the bottom there are TONS of needles lol. I feel like a junkie...

4 days until injections start...

I am so excited to get this journey going, and Lord willing, build my family!!!! Thanks so much for all your prayers and support!

Count downs!

I am closing in!!!

I am on my 12th day of birth control. My hormones and emotions are a little whacky but manageable.
I started getting some mild cramping/ spotting the last 2 days- my nurse assured me that it was normal so I felt better.

6 more days until I start Lupron!!! 6 days, that is less than a week!

18 Days until I start stimming

34 Days until my miracles are placed back into my womb. That is the day I will consider myself pregnant :)
Lord willing, He will allow my babies to snuggle in deep for a long journey :)

I am getting everything ready for my bedrest :)
New snuggly pajamas
Chick flicks
Visits/ prayer time with close friends/ family
Games
Verses to meditate on
And I am sure, plenty of snuggles from Ronan :)

There have been many moments where I just want to take control, worry, or just get anxious about all the little things. I am learning that I just need to REST and let God take control. He is so good. ALL the time. I can trust his plan.

That is my update for now.

Ronan, is such a busy boy. He is loving the fall weather. He LOVES the rain. I guess it's good that he lives in the Northwest ;)
It is going to be so much fun taking him to the pumpkin patch in a few weeks. He had fun last year, but this year he will really be able to enjoy the slides and hay bales. Can't wait!!

Incase it hadn't yet been mentioned...

Brian and I are being somewhat private about our IVF journey, not secret, but more discreet. Only a hand full of people we know in real life have been let in on our journey.
Not many of my friends in real life are on my blog checking it out, or even know that I blog, but for those who do, and for anyone else out there- if you also have me on Facebook, I ask that you respect our wishes and keep it discreet.

I am a very open person and if anyone asks me point blank, I will share with them.

However I have had a few awkward, and disheartening experiences opening up these last few months.

Turns out, some people just get weirded out by the whole IVF process and get really quiet/ silent. I don't really know what to do with that? lol I usually end up trying dig out of the conversation and pretend it never happened.
Others will just tell me point blank that they think it's just going too far and taking it out of God's hands... once again- a weird conversation that would take a long winded explanation from me.

So for those reasons we are choosing a little more carefully how we approach this subject.

For those of you wonderful people who have followed me for awhile, or are just beginning to follow our story, I am so thankful for your support. You can play an important role in our IVF journey as well.

For our loved ones supporting us, I ask that you:
Please pray for my body to cooperate, but more than anything please pray for the health of our embryos, and that the ones the physicians put back would make it, and we would be pregnant!

If you know me well, you also know my anxiety level can sky rocket, so please pray for that. You can be sure I will be meditating heavily of Philipians chapter 4 quite often

Thanks everyone!!!

Here's the plan :)

Start birthcontrol TOMORROW (the 23rd)

Continue birthcontrol and add Lupron and other oral meds (such as antibiotics, baby aspirin etc...) October 10th

STOP Birthcontrol around October 14th, continue Lupron and oral meds.

Supression check October 20th (Brian's birthday lol) get the "OKAY" for stims

Start Stimulation of the follicles October 22nd

Most likely trigger October 31st

Retrieve eggs November 2nd

Transfer my babies back November 7th!!!

Thank God for modern science and medicine. As Brian put it, "We are doing all we can, and it will be completely in God's hands after that"

In the mean time I am working hard preparing the Christmas musical at our church. Practices start soon, and auditions as well. It will be so much fun, and a great distraction from all the meds.

Please continue to pray for my body as it prepares to under go all of this!
Pray that the embryos made between Brian and I will be healthy and strong!
Pray that the Lord would guide the physician's hands and that ultimately the embryos that survive the 5 day journey will be healthy enough to go the 9 month distance in my womb :)
Ofourse I want them ALL to make it, but I have learned that in nature, not all of the conceived are the right chromosomal matches and don't make it past 3 days... Usually the ones that DO make it to 5 days are pretty strong.

That's all for now!

Ronan is napping and I need one too :) Hope everyone is having a blessed week!

Fighting fear

More than anything I want to just give this over to God, and then I do... yet why do I still find myself reflecting on the fear of this not working?

It's not really just the singular fear that the IVF will not work. It's other things like, it happening around the holidays, family announcing their pregnancies, watching as Ronan gets older and older and wishing that he had a sibling on the way.
I am so afraid that I will be heart broken this Christmas season. I am so very afraid that I may be faced with more loss, heart ache and pain.

Please God, PLEASE don't ask me to go through that again. Part of me wishes my desires would just die off, so I wouldn't have to risk my heart or emotions on this process again. However, as crazy as it is... my desires for more children are so deep, so very very deep that I can hardly breath at times. I ache to nurse again. I long to feel those movements in my belly, and hold their tiny, helpless bodies. I am anxious to see Ronan adoring his new baby brother or sister, and Brian beaming wih pride as he holds his long awaited miracle.
As much as I fear going through all this again, I know I have to. I know that my heart will not be complete. I know that I have to risk it... I also know that it will be worth it.

I have to believe, HAVE to believe that God wouldn't give me these desires if he wasn't going to allow it to happen. I know this because I specifically pray that He WOULD take the desires away if it wasn't His will. I pray this quite frequently because I so desperatly do NOT want to disobey Him, or try to pursue something that isn't His will.

I know that what I need to do is rest. Simply rest and let God be God. I have done my part, and I need to rest and let Him do His. Why is that SO hard to do????

I am 10 dpo today and should be starting my period in a few days... Then this process will offically begin. Part of me is so fearful. The other part wants to just get this going so I will have less time to think about it/ worry on it. The other part is very very excited that I could (Lord willing) be announcing a pregnancy before Christmas!!!

Lord, I come to you asking you to guard my heart and mind. I ask that if it is your will, that allow this process to work, as you have with all our test results. I do not have the emotional capacity to stop the IVF process on a whim, so Lord if this is NOT your will, i need it to be loud and clear. Brian is so sure Lord, and I want to be a good wife and just learn to rest and trust. Trust that you will take care of us. I ask that you would allow our embryos to implant - and grow to term. I ask that you protect all the embryos that Brian and I create. I trust you Lord. I really do, I am just sometimes afraid or you, when I remember the loss of Adriel. Please do not ask me to go through that again, please. Please Lord allow us to build our family.
I ask these things in Your Name, Amen.

Fall is almost here!!!

So much going on lately! Brian and I just got back from a weekend at the Bay with family. We had so much fun, and the weather was perfect!

I spent my days reading, playing card games, girl talk with my sister :) snuggling Ronan, taking walks with Brian on the beach, and getting lost with Brian in the forest lol. We had some pretty awesome adventures.
Ronan's favorite thing was throwing the seaweed and rocks into the bay, especially when the tide was coming in. He spent HOURS doing that! He also loved the showers :) He got so much love and attention from Grandma's Grandpa's Aunties and Uncles. It was a fabulous weekend.

The weather has definitely shifted since coming back and it feels like Fall is coming! I spent a couple hours working in Ronan's play room. I am slowly turning it into his "school room" I know he isn't even 2 yet, but that kid of mine is SO SMART!
He loves to learn. He can name almost all the letters in the alphabet, colors, shapes and is starting to count! He loves puzzles and coloring. Books, songs and snuggling on mommy and daddy's bed are more of his favorites.
We pray together at night and he says "amen". I love incorporating God into our every day conversations. It helps keep my own heart and mind focused more on Him. We say things like,"Ronan, look at the way God made this tree! And the little family of birds over there" "God makes beautiful flowers!"

As far as my cycle is going. AF should arrive by the 20th or 21st. I had a positive OPK CD 17 and 18. I think I ovulated either on CD 18 or 19. We ofcourse "baby danced" just incase the Lord wants to throw us a suprise ;) but I am not holding my breath at this point.
Once AF comes, I will start birth control for 21 days, While on the b/c I will overlap with Lupron injections and continue the Lupron when I finish the B/C. My cycle will then start again and I will STILL be doing the Lupron (to keep my ovaries "quiet" and LH low) Then I will have my baseline u/s and when everything looks good I will start my stims around October 20th!!! After that it will go very quickly!!!

Please Lord, prepare my body now for what is to come. Lord, I ask that YOUR will be done. I only want what YOU want for my life. My desire for more children is so strong it aches. Thank you that I am a mother, and thank you that I am a good mother. I am so blessed by you everyday. Please allow my body to cooperate, please protect my embryos, and create just the right amount for our family. I am putting this in YOUR hands. Every little life that is conceived through Brian and I, I pray will be protected and eventually grown into a beautiful life that we can love and raise. Please Lord, I ask that the embryos put back would be compatible with life. That they would be of the right chromosomes. That they be healthy, and will implant. I ask these things in YOUR NAME,
Amen.

IVF testing... check!

I feel like I am on a crazy emotional roller coaster... Let me start by saying all I've eaten is a whimpy egg salad sandwhich. For some reason, with my brain on over drive like this, and all the blood I have given, and information I have received I feel as though i can hardly stand, let alone feed myself and my family...

This is OVERWHELMING.

Let me start with the day. I first had the doppler scan. The blood flow to my uterus looked great. Something about wanting it to be under "3" (whatever that means) and he kept saying numbers averaging in the 1.5's. So that was a GOOD thing.

My mock transfer also went well. He said the cathader went in with ease, no resistance, and placement was great. This was also a GOOD thing.

Next we went back to his office to talk about risks, and the over all process. Risks were all very minimal and the talk was very light, fun, and pleasant.
He started talking about all the new advancement in the biopsy testing aspect of the embryos- which I could tell, he was excited about. For us however, it wasn't anything we are interested in. I explained that it wouldn't matter how any tests came back, and that for us, we choose ALL our fertilized embryos. Even if there may potentially be a child with down syndrome, or any other chromosomal defect. It's not like that is what we would CHOOSE for them, but we believe all life is valuable and has a shot at life in the womb.
He also mentioned that we could get started ASAP even though we are still waiting for Brian's bonus check. So now I am getting super excited- despite the weird sci fy chat lol.

Next we talk to the financial people who inform us that it's in their notes that our insurance is covering our fresh and frozen cycle... what?
NOPE just kidding, there is a new girl and she messed up on the docs... "OH and instead of using the overseas meds you will have to use ours, which is 3K more than you planned..." Okay, she didnt say it like THAT... but once we got all the money stuff in order, she sent us off to the nurse/ coordinator who would talk timing and answer all our questions.
Our Nurse explained that part of ORM's excellent rates are because their meds and protocals... incase I haven't mentioned it before ORM has the high IVF rates in the nation for women under 35 at 72.5. Half of those pregnancies resulting in twins.
So, yeah, i got it. But 4k? She then explained for ME it would be much less because I require less to stimulate. Since I am young with PCOS it should be way less.
They also said that there is some follistim that has been donated that I could have. She wrote up a script of EVERYTHING I would need, from antibiotics, to lupron, to progesterone, menopur, follistim and anything else I might be forgetting. The total came to about 1500. Okay, big sigh. Not nearly as bad as 4,000, and closer to what we would've paid anyway.

Then we start discussing the plan. For some reason I thought I could start the birthcontrol at any time and just hop right to it. Nope, I have to wait until my cycle starts ( probably Sept. 23rd) THEN comes the b/c, then the Lupron, then the stims around Oct 20th (Brian's b-day) with an estimated retreival of November 2nd, and Baby transfer Nov. 7th.
I will be honest, when I heard "November" my heart sunk a little. I was really hoping for it to all happen October. I KNOW it's only a difference of about 3 weeks, but it just feels so far away.

God has this ALL completely under control though. HE knows the best timing, He will take care of everything. I just have to keep reminding myself that...
There really is no point to worry, it will change nothing. I just need to get my head to stop spinning, eat some freaking food, and trust that this will all work out for God's glory.

So there ya have it! I am now just waiting for my period to come... Until then, I am going to enjoy being mama to my sweet boy, and wife to my awesome hubby!

Pictures from the fair

I am trying to dig up the old photo from 8 years ago of Brian and I when we first met. Our parents were being silly and wanted to take pictures of when we first met. I remember being SO embarrassed. However NOW I am really glad they did it.

Until then here are some pictures of us at the Oregon State Fair.
Eating cotton candy for the first time, petting goats, watching chickens hatch in the hatchery, there was a cool toddler zone. And there is a picture of the three of us standing right where Brian and I walked, and where he got cold feet and turned around lol. Oh the places God has taken us these last 8 years. I hope that when we come back next year we can add a new face or two to these pictures :)

8 Years Ago...

On August 27th of 2003, I had just graduated highschool, turned 18, and broke up with my bf of 2 years, whom I was sure was "the one"

I went to the Oregon State Fair with some youth group friends, there was a Jars Of Clay concert and I couldn't wait to go. Upon entering the amphitheater, there was hundreds of youth, young adults just ready to rock! My close girlfriends and I clung together and did the "scope", one of my friends more so than I. Ofcourse having come from breaking up with my boyfriend, my heart still ached a little. We walked up the aisles and chose a row. I glanced at the row behind me. One girl, three guys about our age, maybe a little older. One of the guys, in a grey shirt, sunglasses, baseball cap and khakis caught my eye. Very clean cut, all american kind of boy. I quickly brought my gaze back to my girlfriends and we sat down in front of them. I over heard them talking a bit about their future plans. God was clearly a part of their discussion and lives and that intrigued me further. Ofcourse being at a Jars Of Clay concert is a pretty big indicator that the favoring audiences has some kind of faith, or the lyrics wouldn't appeal.
I suddenly recognized one of the voices, I hadn't really noticed him coming in, but a friend from high school named Mike was one of the guys sitting in the group behind me. I turned around and said, "Mike?"
There was a small exchange- mostly awkward when I asked how his engagement with "so-in-so" was, only to find out they had just broken up.
I consoled him, and suddenly Mike's other friends were talking to me. A guy and girl, appeared to be together started asking me about MY future. I told them my desires to study Early Childhood Ed. but my passion above all to be a wife and stay at home mom. The grey shirted boy leaned in further to listen. I suddenly realized he too was involved in the questioning. It started to feel like I was being interviewed, but remained pleasent.
Meanwhile my girlfriends were mostly staying out of it. I got a few nudges in my ribcage while talking, then eventually turned around as the music began. My friend and I whispered about the grey shirted boy. He was cute... I looked behind me during one of the slow songs, he was praying...

MEANWHILE, from the point of view of Brian AKA grey shirted boy. He was visiting his friends who were about to get married. Mike was a mutual friend through YWAM, he was also a groomsmen. Brian was from WA, just visiting. The friends about to be married had a girl picked out for Brian. They were hoping to set them up.
APPARENTLY he noticed me the minute I walked into the amphitheater. His friend must have noticed because he told Brian "Don't even look at her, your eyes are meant for 'so-in-so'" Brian laughed it off.
When they realized I knew Mike, and Brian was becoming more intrigued, the questioning began ;)
The music began and the conversation died. Brian prayed silently for the courage to talk to this red headed girl...

Back to me... I was feeling good. The music was beautiful, the summer night, the lights from the carnival rides, I was gonna do it. I was going to turn around and smile! I gathered my strength, casually turned around and when our eyes met, everything just stopped. I was suddenly shaking and scared. I did it though, I gave him my best smile and he returned.
The rest of the concert I was anxious for it to end to see if we would get the chance to interact.

The concert did finally end, and we casually all made our way to the exit. I knew he was beside me, but he wasn't saying anything. My girlfriend kept nudging me to say something, but I was wanting to be pursued. I had already smiled first! Lol!
As we exited the amphitheater we entered the carnival. Suddenly my friends were gone, they had abandoned me giggling and laughing as if it were all planned. I noticed Grey shirted boy was still next to me walking beside me through the games, also... alone. We were alone walking side by side, a summer night, perfect setting... we walked and walked... silence. It was getting awkward now. I heard a deep sigh, then he was gone.
What had just happened??
A sudden sadness came over me. Ouch. I actually started to cry. My friends caught up with me and asked what happened. Shamefully I explained.
And there you have it. We went our separate ways, and I never saw him, or heard from him again....

Brian went back to his friends embarrassed. He had blown it. When it came down to it, he was just too scared, he was sure that I was "out of his league"... He went back to WA, and casually started getting to know the girl his friends were setting him up with. Back home he shared with his brothers and family about "the red headed girl" talked all about her to the point of annoying them. At his friend's wedding, Mike brought the old highschool year book and showed him my senior pic. He didn't have a way to get a hold of me though, so Brian told Mike that if he ever saw me again, "tell her I want her number"


I started college, and met a guy- let's call him G. He took me to another christian concert, where I ran into Mike afterwards! Weird. G was getting the car and bringing it around for me. Mike started explaining to me about the grey shirted boy, that he had thought I was cute and wanted my number. I freaked out. I must've forgot I was on something of a date and gave Mike ALL of my contact info.
It was a little hard explaining that to G. He asked me if I was willing to break up with him just for a CHANCE with this grey shirt guy. My answer was with out a doubt YES. So.... we ended up breaking up. LOL
I didn't get any calls. I waited and waited...

APPARENTLY Mike "lost" my number...

Brian continued to pester Mike whenever he saw him, but he was leaving for a missions trip soon...

It was now 9 months later. I was doing the whole dating thing- mostly group date type stuff. I figured Grey shirted boy probably had a girlfriend by now. It remained a constant joke among my girl friends though... he was the one... the one who got away....

My college group went out to Applebees and guess who I saw.... MIKE. He came running at me like a wild man, even tripping over a car seat!! He came to me out of breath saying, this has GOT to end. Brian keeps bugging me, but I lost your number. He really wants to get to know you.
"Who is Brian?.... wait... GREY SHIRTED BOY" A unanimous gasp could be heard from me and my girlfriends.... No way... this is crazy, it's been almost a YEAR! How could he remember me? We never even spoke!
Mike had had enough and started dialing his cell phone... I didn't even have time to think...

Brian picked up his phone as he packed his other belonging with his family. They were in the middle of a move. "Hello?"
"Remember the red headed girl from the concert?...." Silence... "Well, here she is!"

Mike Handed me the phone.

We talked for a short while. I asked him a couple questions about the concert to legitimize him. I was still in disbelief. I was shaking the whole time. We exchanged emails and phone numbers and hung up.

I went back to my booth where my friends were anxiously waiting.... "Girls... I am gonna get married" I said as a joke. We all laughed and I told them everything.

Brian's family was in disbelief that the red headed girl was actually REAL. They were astonished when Brian ran into the new house and hooked up his computer and internet before anything else.

By the time I got home that night, I had a new e-mail :)

We e-mailed eachother for a few months, asking 20 questions each time. Then we started talking on the phone.
After 3 months we started realizing that this was getting serious. We were very compatible and clearly this was looking like a "God thing"

We decided to meet. The day I knew he was coming, my mom waited with me upstairs in my bedroom. I couldn't believe we were about to meet... actually touch for the first time.
I heard the doorbell ring and walked down the stairs to meet him. We shook hands and he met my parents. His mom had also come along (our moms started e-mailing and chatting as well and became friends) We went to a local park and our moms went their own way giving us privacy. We swung on the swing together and talked casually.
The time came for him to leave and go back to WA. I gave him a hug and accidentally tripped almost taking him down. He caught me with strong arms and gave me a unexpected tight, warms, but soft hug. We said good bye and agreed to call eachother soon.

It's history after that. I won't bore you with ALL the details, but basically I surprised him in WA, we held hands and a few weeks later he asked me to start courting him. Two weeks after that he asked me to marry him. 6 months later we were married. March 4th 2005.

August 31st!!!!

Not only is August 31st my mother's birthday :) it is also a very important date for our IVF journey!!!!!

My wonderful sister is going to watch Ronan so that Brian and I can get all our testing done in ONE DAY! Brian has been picking up extra shifts to help save money to pay this thing off so to make it more convenient for US we will be doing

The doppler scan- check for good blood flow in uterus ( a good blood flow increases the chances of the embryos survival) a lower blood flow can be increased by acupuncture

A mock transfer- to look for the best placement in the uterus to put the baby(ies)

preliminary blood tests

sperm functionality test

financial consult/ and calendar planning

meeting with DR. B to answer any other Q's

WAHOOOO!!! We are on the way to getting this started!!

OH and just as a heads up for those who know me in real life, I would like to ask that you keep anything I say on here private. I am a very open person in real life, and anyone who asks me will get the answer, but I don't necessarily want to announce it to the world. Everyone has an opinion about ivf and right now all that Brian and I need is support.
We are so thankful and happy for the support we have with our family, blogging friends (all of you awesome people) and some of our friends in real life. God has been so good. We cannot wait to include you all in our journey, just please use discretion.

Cycle day 1!

AF arrived this morning!!!!! WAHOOO!!! That means I get to call in my cycle on Monday and we get to start planning and organizing everything.

God has blown us away :) By October (IVF time) we will have saved up the exact amount needed for IVF. The exact amount, paid up front and in full!!!!

We have been penny pinching, Brian has been picking up extra shifts, we completely eliminating cable, brought down our internet to economy, stopped eating out, and spent our date nights at home :)

And it's been worth it. Each night we pray and ask that God be in complete control of the IVF from start to finish. Please pray with us!!! I am doing everything I can to have a healthy lifestyle, vitamins, water, exercise, healthy food, lots of laughter and prayer!

I just cannot believe how close we are to starting this journey. We both feel so led that the timing is just right, and that this is where God is leading us. I cannot wait to see who he is going to bring to this family. I am dying to be pregnant again. To feel those kicks.... AHHHH I just cannot wait. Please please pray for us!!!

It's been a weird cycle!

It's currently day 21 for me. Ever since cycle day 18 I have been having really random LH test results. Anything from really light to almost positive, all within a couple hours of each other. Thank you PCOS ;)
After church i took another just for the heck of it. It was immediately positive, weird. Oh well, who knows what is going on in there!

I have started working on my book, ever so slowly piecing together my thoughts. I currently have 20 chapters/ subjects that God has put on my heart to address. While I feel so small and unqualified to even be thinking about writing a book, I really feel God's leading. I certainly haven't had the MOST tragic experiences, I am not a doctor, or had the best education. I am just a 26 year old, trying to follow my heavenly Father's teachings while pursuing fertility treatments. Go ahead and google fertility treatments and Christianity. It's very disheartening the amount of highly opinionated, much assumed garbage out there.
The following paragraphs are rough drafts (very rough ;)of the "my story" section. I kinda took this snipet right out of the middle, so if it feels like it's starting and stopping abruptly you will know why. Going back, recalling my memories and moments of the hardest times of my life was a little painful, but it has impacted me a lot this week. God will see you through your darkest hours, have faith!
If you're interested, here it is:

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Brian and I talked it over, prayed it over and felt that we were ready. After all, we didn’t know how long it really would take.
I took my first clomid pill and waited to feel it’s magic powers… nothing. I continued on the cycle charting everything from my temperature,cervical mucas to breast tenderness… ANYTHING I was feeling was incorporated in the clomid cycle. CD 21 came around and the only monitoring I was having was a progesterone check. If it was above 10 my OB considered it a “good” ovulation. My result was 17, great! I ovulated! Now all I had to do was endure the dreaded two week wait to see if it worked!
It just so happened that testing day fell on the weekend that I was visiting Sara and her new little boy. Together we huddled into the bathroom, I peed on the stick, and before you say “ew” we’ve done just about everything together , so this wasn’t weird. I set down the test and covered the result window with my hand. We watched the clock and waited until it was time. I slowly lifted my hand and peaked at my results…. One lonely line. "It was the first try" Sara consoled me. It was true, it was just my first attempt, but the defeat was almost more than I could handle. What had gone wrong? I went into the guest bedroom for privacy and cried harder than I ever had before. Little did I know it was the first deep, heart wrenching cry of many many more to come. Brian found me in the room, encircled me with his arms, and he held me as I wept. Together we prayed.
6 more cycles came and went. All negative. We decided it was time for a break, and that further testing was needed. We had laporoscopy, an HSG, and more blood work. ALL NORMAL. The next month I waited for my period to come, it was unusually late. Being too afraid to take another pregnancy test and see that horrid line, I called and made an appt for a blood test. I shook all day, my stomach had 1,000 butterflies trapped inside as I waited for the results. I was at a teachers conference in Portland and even though I was supposed to be paying attention, all I could do was stare at my phone. My coworkers all saw as my phone vibrated. We excused ourselves (yes, they were just as invested in my fertility drama as I was) and I listened intently on the phone as I heard the nurse say to me, “congratulations Melissa, you are PREGNANT” All I could do was cry. My friends immediately thought the worst and encircled me with hugs and support. I somehow managed to speak the words I had longed to say my whole life, “I am pregnant” cries of joy, screaming and celebrating took place and dozens of teachers none the wiser looked at us like lunatics. I didn’t care. I WAS PREGNANT!!! I spent the next few weeks with my hand glued to my belly. I wanted EVERYONE to know. I had all the symptoms and I LOVED it. At 6 weeks I had and early ultrasound to see my miracle. Everything looked perfect. My mom and husband were there crying and holding my hand. Everything looked perfect until they looked at my baby’s heart. No one said anything, but I knew. I knew deep down that something wasn’t right. 55 beats per minute was too slow.
I tried to stay optimistic. Maybe the machine was wrong, maybe the baby’s heart has JUST started beating.
The call I got later only confirmed my fears, “you will most likely miscarry your baby”… I can not begin to express to you how horrible the next few days were… just waiting. I prayed harder than I ever prayed. I prayed for a miracle. Brian and I named our little one Adriel. All this praying for him or her without a name seemed wrong. I made an appt for a follow up ultrasound. It was 5 days away. I could hardly stand the waiting.
The time finally came for the ultrasound. Right away on the screen I saw Adriel. Perfection, with a beautiful heart rate of 171. PERFECT. It was a miracle.
I was filled with joy and it showed! Everything was okay. I could finally breath and enjoy my pregnancy. Everything progressed just as it should. And I couldn’t wait for my next appt, 12 weeks! I knew that at this appointment I was going to get to HEAR Adriel’s heart on the Doppler.
The time came and as my doctor placed the gel on my tummy my husband held my hand and we waited in anticipation to hear that beautiful “thump thump thump”…. “sometimes it’s hard to find” he said. He continued to search with the Doppler. Every once in awhile I would hear something, but my doctor informed me it was my own racing heart he was picking up. Nothing. No heart beat. Fear, complete and utter fear struck me to the bone. He brought in an ultrasound machine, old and grainy but still up and running. He searched and searched until he found the dark sac. Inside was a small white blob of perfection, my Adriel… with no heart beat. My doctor was devastated for us. The odds of loosing a baby after seeing a promising heart rate is very very low. Under 5%. I was sent to the ER for confirmation. I think I blocked most of that visit out of my mind. I remember the DR saying in his very cold clinical words “fetal demise” and something about a D&C.
We scheduled my D&C the Day after Thanksgiving. I remember being so depressed and empty, feeling sick to my stomach with the medicine they gave me. I threw up everything in my stomach prior to the surgery. When they hooked up my IV I was glad. I was so thankful I was being put out. Part of me hoped I never woke up and I could just slip away into Heaven with Adriel.
I did wake up though, and the sudden realization that my womb was utterly empty struck me to the core. “my baby, my baby!” I sobbed to the nurses. They held my hand and cried with me. “ My baby is gone…”

*******************************************


Thank you LORD for delivering me. What a heart ache that time in my life was. It didn't get easier for quite some time after that either. However, God was with me, and while it hurts to look back and remember- I can see how God touched me and has allowed me to draw off my pain to help others and encourage them. It's amazing to know that my Adriel is in the arms of his creator. What a joyous day when we are reunited.

BUSY SUMMER!!! And updates

Time for updates! I apologize for the lack of blogging lately.

We have been thoroughly enjoying family and sun :) Ronan is becoming such an independent little man! He loves doing just about everything by himself, his vocabulary has exploded, and is probably the most social little toddler ever.
His favorite thing to say is, "Where are youuuu?" He will run and hide, then shout, "Where are yooouuu?" lol. He gets really excited about night time and has his routine down pat. Last night he even turned his ipod on by himself, selected his night time music and said, "nigh nigh time?"
He then crawled in my lap, we read Goodnight moon, and then we prayed together. When we pray he folds his hands, we say thank you for our blessings, tell God how much we love Him, and then we pray for Ronan's salvation... every night! Then I say, "Amen" and Ronan says "AAAAAAmen" It melts my heart <3

This month we are going to the butterfly exhibit, the aquarium at the coast, the Air Show, and the fair!

Here are some pictures of the fun we have been having the last couple weeks :)



Ronan milking a fake cow lol











Ronan with his Grammy :)




In other news It is August- which means it is almost time to start testing (September) then TREATMENT (October) I cannot wait to see the plans the Lord has for our family.

In other, OTHER news, God has been laying on my heart a lot of things... I think I know now why I have been through certain things in my life. I know why God has shaped me this way. I KNOW how I can use what I have been through to bless others...

When deciding to move forward with IVF as a family I spent a lot of time doing research and found that the information for Christian women/ families regarding ART ( artificial reproductive tech.) and infertility is sadly limited and HIGHLY opinionated with little to NO sound Biblical truths.
I feel that God has called me to piece together a book of all my findings and experiences of infertility and loss.
I might share bits and pieces with you all as God helps me pull it together- however I will warn you all... I am still warming up to the idea of people criticizing me or my writing. It scares me to death, but I really feel called to open up the lines of communication regarding Christianity and Infertility.

Hope this week is full of summer fun for all of you!!!!