What If?

How do you all deal with the "What If's?" Latley I have been close to driving myself mad with "what if's" I think,
what if i never get pregnant again?
what if i continue to ovulate with the injectable meds, but still don't acheive pregnancy?
what if i have to do in vitro?
what if even in vitro doesn't work?
what if i never have children?

Not only do I struggle with the "what if's, i then look for solutions... on the internet. I seek to soothe my soul by reading statistics and success stories, I read the latests trends on ttc (trying to conceive), and try just about anything and everything to help my ttc journey... When all that seems to fail, what then? What hope is there? Where is my faith?

Sometimes I feel ashamed to call myself a Christian. Yes, I am a good person, no, I don't swear, I try not to gossip, yes, I believe in Jesus Christ and the debt he paid for my sins... Do i really trust him? And if so, where is my faith?

I recently had an awakening to my lack of faith and selfish behavior while going through a ladies Bible study. I've decided that I put far too much time into the internet and false comfort. I need to find peace in God.
This doesn't mean that I'm not going to continue seeking medical treatment. I find nothing wrong with using modern medicine to help your body do what it's meant to do naturally. A patient has cancer, give him chemo, someone has a broken arm, you put it in a cast, for me I have a hormonal imbalance, so I need the correct hormones. However, when it becomes your only source of hope, I think we need to re evaluate our hearts. I really need to focus on finding that peace with my God, leaning on him and trusting him through this difficult journey of pokes and prods, procedures, blood draws and negative pregnancy tests. Right now it is just too tempting for me to just plop myself in front of the computer and spend hours finding short term peace on the internet.

I know that not everyone here is spiritual, but I also know that a lot of you here are and probably understand exactly where I am coming from. I pray that I can find peace in God, and in the Bible. I know I can trust God, because he has said, "all things work together for good for those who love him." I only want what he wants for my life. God has designed me to be a mother, I know that full well. However, i do not know the circumstances in which they will happen. I pray that he will prepare my heart for whatever course this journey takes. I pray I will be strong, and confident. That at the end of it all I will be a better mother because of it. I will be a better friend because of it. I will have a story to tell, and a wealth of knowledge to share, and when I die, i pray God will look me in the eyes and say "Well done".

I refuse to believe this path that I am on is a punishment. It is an example of the sin in this imperfect world. God isn't "closing my womb" because of something I did, I know that because I have confessed my sins to him, and do so daily. My God is not a God of grudges. I do not even pretend to know what he is doing. What I know is I can trust that "all things will work together for the good" because I LOVE HIM!!! I LOVE GOD! Through the pain and loss of Adriel, through the lonley aches of waiting for a second child, I LOVE GOD! I will consider this a growing time, and considered it a blessing, for I know my children will come. I know that because GOD IS GOD!

My heart aches for every woman who experiences the lonliness of loosing a child, or waiting for a child. If that is you, I pray that you will find the same peace as well.

I totally did not mean this to be "preachy" in any way whatsoever, and hope it doesn't come across that way, I guess i'm just venting it all out... Thank you for listneing.

I'm depressed...

I know this was only the first cycle, and it was somewhat experimental, but I just want to explode... I really don't know how much more heart ache I can take? I would love for God to take away this desire, I would absolutly love it. I pray that if this is not what the Lord would have for me, that he would change my heart, and show me where he DOES want me. Unfortunatly this is my journey, this is my path, and Lord willing it will all work together for the good. Lord willing I will one day hold my long awaited child, and know it was all worth it. I will be a better mother because of it... because I already love my children, and they aren't even here yet.

I ordered my meds for next cycle, and as luck would have it, I will start my period on our four year anniversary... HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BRIAN, say HI to AUNT FLO!!! Cuz you know... THAT'S sexy...
We are going to be staying in a yurt, by the coast and the dunes, I'm really excited despite the circumstances.

So here comes cycle #6, 2nd cycle with injectables. We are really praying about how long we should allow for the injectables to work, if there is no conception after 5 cycles on injections, we are praying about moving on to invitro. I would have never thought of doing this before. But money is money, and it will all be worth it when I get to hold my child in the end. I pray that it doesn't come to that, that my journey will end soon with a positive pregnancy test.

I have the cure to the two week wait....

For valentines day Brian got me a PUPPY!! A sweet loving little companion to help me through all these crappy times... As if Brian, God and all my loving family weren't enough hee hee. She is deffinatly a bonus and really does bring a little extra something into my life. She will also be wonderful with children too :)

We adopted her from a rescue clinic that was a total 7 hour round trip.... she was worth it though. We call her Hazel because once we got her in the car she was jumping all over us giving us kisses, then smelled Brian's Hazelnut coffee and tried to get some. hehe

She is really smart for 9 1/2 week old pup. already going potty outside... most of the time :) Anyways, i will attach some pics for you all to enjoy, they arent very good because I could hardly get her to hold still and my camera sucks.. or maybe it's the operator... either way...











I forgot to mention that Hazel is a Chihuahua/ doxie mix ... AKA Chiweenie :) Isn't she a doll????

IUI # 5

Well, after being stuck on HWY 26 for an hour and a half in a snow storm we finally made it to our appointment... an hour late, but made it none the less. I was a little stressed out, but they informed us that it was fine and they would fit us in right away.
Brian had an excellent count of 64 million swimmers (after the wash) all rated 4 on a scale of 1-4. Doctor said it went well. Then perscribed progesterone suppositories for the two weet wait. I have never used them before and have no idea why I am using them now... I'm not complaining. I think it's awesome, since progesterone defficiancy is one of the main factors in early pregnancy loss.
So now I wait! Wait and pray :) I have a lot to do for the next couple weeks though, so i really don't think it will be as hard as past cycles.

I triggered tonight!!!

Today is cycle day 16... actually it's officially 17 since I'm writing this at 4:30 AM... I woke up in the middle of the night with a sore throat and head ache, not very fun :(
Plenty of updates for you all though! The last couple days have been filled with countless blood draws, reveiling that I had more time to hopefully grow that second follicle!!
My LH has been lower than any other of my cycles on clomid, which is good! The high LH risks premature ovulation. Here are my stats for the last couple days...

CD 15, LH= 4.2 Estrodial= 240
CD16, LH=5.8 Estrodial= 345

Tonight I gave myself the trigger shot which should release my mature follicle(s) in approximatly 36 hours from injection. That puts ovulation approximatly 10:00 AM Tuesday mornight, which is when I have an IUI scheduled...

On a separate note, Brian and I will be celebrating our 4 year anniversary March 4th. hee hee our "golden anniversary", and NO I don't mean our 50th anniversary, "golden" refers to day in which we were wed, the 4th. So on our 4 year anniversary, it is considered our "golden anniversary", kinda like if I were born on january 13th, my "golden birthday would be my 13th b-day" and since I was born on the 1st of July... I never got to celebrate my golden birthday, maybe that's why I'm making this such a big deal? lol
I can't believe how fast it has gone by!!!
We will be taking a road trip to Wallowa Lake, (on the border to Idaho) and visiting Hells Canyon, enjoying hikes, and hanging out in our 2 story cabin all to ourselves... I'm pretty excited!!!!

Well, I think I'm gonna head downstairs for some hot cocoa to sip, maybe some ice cream... maybe both....

CD 14 U/S

So today I had another ultrasound to check the progression. I was hoping for atleast 3 follicles, but would LOVE 4.... I got 1.
My lining went up to 10mm so that was good news, the left ovary showed no progression, and the right ovary had a good 16mm follicle, and one 10mm follicle hiding behind it. They tested my blood to check my LH and Estrodial. My LH came back as 7.13, the lowest it's ever been actually, which is good for now because that means i can take another injection in hopes of getting the 10mm follicle to catch up. My Estrodial was 160, a big improvment compared to the 50 i had 3 days ago. So i suppose I should be thankful for the one mature follicle I do have as of now...

I felt defeated and frustrated as we left. I couldn't stop the tears from coming. The doctor saw me and offered his comfort. I was thankful for that, i hadn't really seen that side of him before. He reassured me that since I have PCOS i have so many follicles just waiting to mature, and that is why he has to be careful not to overstimulate me because then we would have to cancel the cycle, which would really suck. So, i guess, this is good... I just hoped for better news...

My heart just feels so heavy right now. If this weren't my heart's desire I would've thrown in the towell by now. The only thing that is holding me together right now is God. The only strength i have to continue down this dark, scary, lonely path is God...
Sometimes I wish God would change my heart, take away this desire to have children and give me passion to be a career woman, or something... I pray and I pray that if this isn't what God wants for my life that he just take it away!!! I don't want anything that HE doesn't want for my life!! Yet, still my heart aches with a passion for a little one...So I continue down this path, hoping and pleading with God to answer this long awaited prayer. All I have ever wanted is to be a loving wife and mother. To raise my children and bathe them in the love of God. To dedicate my very existence to serving him through being a wife and mother. I don't know why this is... especially in our day in age where that is almost looked down upon... but that is the way I believe God created me. So i have to believe this will all come together for the good, because my love for Christ is deep, and his promises are true.

WOW, sorry, this turned into such a diary entry... guess i needed to let it all out. Thanks to anyone reading this and praying with me.

God bless,
Melissa

CD11 U/S

Well, it looks like I will be doubling my doses until my follicles are mature enough for ovulation. Let's just hope i don't run out of meds before they DO mature... The ultrasound today indicated that I had about 2 follicles on my left ovary around 9 mm and four on my right ovary about 9 mm... So about 6 in total. I don't know how many of those will actually mature, so i guess only time will tell.
I also had my Estrodial tested. It was previously 37, and today it was 50. So there is an improvement. I took my double dose of the meds, and am praying that my follicles will be around 15 mm by friday, that would be right on track and i would have enough meds.