An epiphany...

Almost 8 years ago Brian and I were married, I was 19, he was 21. As soon as we were married, and the possibility of having children was finally possible ( we both waited until we were married to be intimate) it was almost all I could think about. I had very little education on the matter. Every time we would have sex, I would almost always wonder, could I be getting pregnant right now? Maybe I will be one of those people who gets pregnant on birth control. It seems like I knew so many who did! After all, it was my hope, my dream. My heart's desire!

Once I educated myself and realized that it wasn't "adding up" for me, I had a gut feeling this wasn't going to be as easy as I had imagined. It wasn't going to be like it was on tv.

After the loss of my miracle baby I was finally diagnosed with PCOS. I was pretty much miserable. In my prayer time with God, my love never wavered, but I was so angry with Him.
"God, why? Why on earth did you create me this way? It feels so cruel!" God designed me to love children, to desire to have my own, to long for the intimacy of pregnancy, and nursing, yet... Withhold it from me? I could not understand Him. It was the most painful ache I could even imagine. I could literally feel the gaping emptiness in my womb. My uterus felt cold, dark, broken. My arms had nothing to hold. I would stare at my empty guest bedrooms and imagine what it would look like to put baby things in them. I would pretend to hold a small, warm little baby. His or her head resting on my shoulder, my chin brushing against their soft fuzzy baby hair, smelling that glorious baby smell. Then the tears, the hot tears that would inevitably follow.

It wasn't until just now that I feel like this journey was very specifically designed for me. Don't get me wrong, I have ALWAYS known that God was in control on my journey, and knew all the details to come. And I do not believe God "cursed me" with this, or that it was caused by "unconfessed sin". I know that we live in a world of sickness and death. However, I recently RE asked myself the question, "why God? Why out of allll the ailments in the world do you allow me infertility?"

And the answer was so obvious. I felt like God gifted me with infertility because He wanted to heighten, to deepen, to make the ONE THING that I desired so much, to mean EVEN MORE!!! He didn't give it to me right away, or even when I begged and pleaded. He grew my anticipation, He forced me to wait because He was going to bless me SO abundantly, and He wanted me to just BASK in the beauty of it all. The redemption.
He knew I was going to have 3 boys under 3, and while most people would be overwhelmed by the thought, I still feel the butterflies in my tummy each time they smile at me. He gave me that.
I never take them for granted. He gave me that. When they are screaming, crying, waking up at all hours, I am TIRED, but so, SO blessed. He gave me that!!!!
My husband and I look at our journey. We look at the family He has built for us, on earth AND in heaven. He did that... He gave me a husband who would be just righty for this journey too. I can not imagine any one of my ex boyfriends who could have done better, or any other man for that matter. I cannot imagine anyone else who could have done better. My husband is my hero, a true gift from God.

So, when you ask "why God? Why did you give this to me?" .... Don't feel frustrated if you cannot understand it now. It may reveal itself to you later, or not until we meet our Savior face to face. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that God loves you. He wants GOOD things for you. He is so mysterious, but so good. Trust Him, even when you don't want to.

Thank you God. Thank you for leading me, for building my family the way YOU wanted. I feel your love today. I see your works in my life, and I am so blessed.