Now that they have names...

I have found myself feeling very anxious. I guess with the bleeding scare I had I sorta detached myself from the babies a bit. I loved them ofourse, and I was so happy to be pregnant, but I didn't feel all that BONDED...

Well, now that I know they are boys, I feel them moving, they are getting closer and closer to viability, and they have NAMES, I find myself so incredibly in love it's a little silly. I feel like I KNOW them, I feel like they are my sons and my heart has opened up in a way that I didn't think possible. I always wondered if I would love a new baby as much as Ronan, let alone TWO little strangers!!
However, it is as everyone says. Your heart knows and you really do open up and prepare a little place for those children. I love them as much as I love Ronan. I don't know them as well yet, but my love for them runs so so deep.

Which brings me to the anxiety. Now that I am completely in love with them I am terrified of something horrifying happening. My doctor reassures me continually that the babies look GREAT etc... And honestly he could tell me that every day and it wouldn't really matter. It doesn't have anything to do with him. It has everything to do with me trusting them to God. That is such a hard thing for someone who has experienced a loss, and who has seen others experience loss/ still births.
But it's a lesson God is forcing me to learn.

I want to be obedient. I so DESPERATELY want to be obedient. So this week I am going to focus on my trust. I am going to trust that God will take care of my boys. I am going to believe that He is protecting them, nourishing them, and that if I ask, and if I pray, He will take away this anxiety. This has been a long prayerfully considered journey for us, I need to believe that God knows what He is doing. That these boys were made for us, for our family at just the right time.

I need to STOP worrying!!!!