Sad dream :(

I had a dream last night that we had our transfer. I hadn't taken an at home test (which proves this was a dream and not real lol- I'm a pee-a-holic) but I knew we were pregnant. I knew it. I could feel the warmth, the life within me. I began to imagine if this was my long awaited girl!!!!
Suddenly I was out of my body and seeing myself get a D&C! I was screaming at the doctor to stop!! He turned to me and told me that the transfer had been unsuccessful. I wasn't pregnant... Which is confusing why I was having a D&C... But hey, I never said it made sense. It was just horribly devastating...
Then the realization kicked in that I have only one blast left.... One last chance.
I know God is in control. I trust Him with it all. I just became so scared I wouldn't be able to experience it all again. I am SO thankful for what I have. I adore my family. At this point my heart just does not feel finished yet.
I also know we are meant to adopt ( yes, yes, we want a large family) if only I could get one last chance... To just soak it all in... With the twins, it was amazing, but, very "survival mode" I long to take time to nurse, snuggle, and all those other things you take for granted with a singleton...

2 embryos left. I do trust God, but I am also scared I won't get to do it one last time....

And OH LORD the icing on the cake would be a little girl.
God knows any addition, boy or girl will be cherished and loved.... I would just be so tickled to experience life as a mommy to a daughter.

With it all, I trust you Lord. Please take away my fears. Give me peace. And Lord may YOUR will be done.
Protect my embryos! Bring them to fruition in my womb!!

Amen :)

Let's get caught up on pictures!!!

Here is what our summer has looked like!

Decisions... Decisions...

So, as I have mentioned before, I am a varsity volleyball coach at a private Christian school. I have be absolutely LOVING IT!!! The kids are so fantastic, the parents are supportive, and well, I am just having so much fun :) Well, that got me thinking about my transfer. I thought to myself, if I transfer this October, and if everything worked out, I would be due in July. That means... There is no chance I could coach for the school next year. Could I seriously handle watching someone else lead these girls who I have come to love? Could I watch them sabatage the team I built ( okay, I know, it's extreme lol) I thought to myself... I HAVE to postpone. I have to postpone my transfer to March so I can coach still. I will be in my third trimester, sure, but I could d it!!! I thought about it and thought about it.... Then I figured out something... I LOVE coaching... But I LOVE being a mom even more. I just cannot express it. I love being a mom SO much that it hurts to put my scheduled transfer aside. I love being a mom SO much that I just couldn't imagine gong back for these babies as soon as possible. Looking at my kids right now, every sacrifice is worth it. Every one! And all I can think about is, I want more! They are all so sweet, and fun, challenging, silly and amazing..... I can't imagine anything being more important. I love coaching. I love these girls... But I love my kids even more. I have fun with them. Who knows maybe I can volunteer, help train the next coach? I don't know. but then again, maybe the transfer won't be successful. Maybe we will loose that baby, and I will have the opportunity to coach agai... But will just be a consolation prize. Nothing would be as great as the prize... The blessing of being a mom again. God, you know my heart, and all my desires. I trust it all to you... Only time will tell. But I did learn something about myself today. Nothing in my life compares to being a mom. Not even the most enjoyable occupation. The only things I love more are GOD and my husband. I hope that this transfer is successful. I cannot wait to meet you little one. You will be loved no matter what! Be it by ME or, your Heavenly Father :) .... Hopefully both, here on earth, with me! Very soon!!!!!

300 posts!!!???

Somehow, I never got around to publishing this post? Possibly because I was having trouble uploading the pictures from the ski bowl. I still need to do that, but here is the old post! Wow.... Weird to think I have been blogging so long. I love that I can look back at my journey before I ever had my beautiful children and see God's redemption and how He has always provided. I love that others can too. What a journey it has been. I am so excited to continue this ride with the blogging world and hopefully bring encouragement to my blogging friends out there, as well as receive encouragement from you all as well. God has been so good to me over the years... Mysterious at times, but always good. Yesterday we took the family to Mt Hood ski bowl. Ronan had a blast on the alpine slides, riding a pony, bouncy houses, play houses, swings, innertubing, bumper cars... It was awesome.the twins did great too, though they got exhausted from the heat.... And so did I. After the fun, I had a complete breakdown on the drive home. I think the altitude topped it off, but on the way home I had Brian pull over. All I could do was mutter "help me" and " I can't do this" I puked so many times.... I lost alll my dignity on the side of that road... I thought I was dying. My head was slamming, body shaking, everything hurt until I finally got to the ER... After some strong medicine i was finally okay. I went home and slept hard. I woke up today feeling much better but still weak. I have always struggled with head aches, but never like this. Part of me wonders if it might be the birth control? It's definitely gotten worst since I started it... Hmmm Thankfully I have the week off from volleyball ( moritorium week) so I am going to use it to go visit my parents and let the kids play in Grammy and Grandpa's pool :) And Lord willing it won't happen again!!!! So.... Here is to 300 posts, and many more :) Here are some pics of our day

The boys are growing up!!!

It's been awhile since I have posted recent pictures!
So here are my precious boys, 3.5 years old and 1 year old.

Ronan is learning to read, writing letters, excelling in his Spanish... He loves art, almost any sport- especially since I have started coaching again.
Not sure if I mentioned that, but I accepted a Varsity Volleyball coaching position. Ronan loves to come to the open gyms. Sitting in the ball cart lol, handing me balls, shagging the loose ones. And the players just love him :)
He is still my little snuggler. And yes, he still uses my walk in closet as his "little room" and his old room serves as a guest room lol.
I love that boy so so much.
He also loves his story time, especially his Bible stories.

Kaden is almost running now!!! That kid toddles so fast!! He loves chasing our dog, playing with Ronan, jumping on our little trampoline, playing in our sand box and books.

Trystan is still getting the hang of walking. He will walk about 10 steps, then drop down to crawl. They can both get up and down stairs now, though Trystan mastered that first.
Trystan loves to be held and cuddled alll the time. He goes to bed first, and rises first.
He loves when I read him stories, and playing with Ronan's big boy puzzles.

So there is your little mini update on my precious miracles :)

Back on B/C

For those who don't know B/C= birth control. My cycles were soooo wonky and I wanted to make sure my uterine lining was getting regularly shed well before we attempt another transfer. I go back and forth on when I want to do it. My heart tugs to do it sooner rather than later. I want all the odds in favor for those little ones. I want my body to be young and healthy, selfishly, I also want to be able to bounce back quicker too. We met with the RE a few weeks ago and they sent us a calendar! If you remember my journey, Ronan was conceived Friday the 13th lol, the twins were conceived on Halloween ( along with the remaining embryos of course) So what is funny, is we talked to them about wanting to transfer ONE around the end of October, giving a 2 year gap, Lord willing that perfect embryo sticks :( The date they picked for the transfer? October 31st lol.... Sounds about right.... Lol I am starting my prayer quest for whomever the embryologist chooses to put back first. Lord, Please guide my doctor's hands. May they be steady and swift. I pray that the thawing process is flawless and that the embryo you choose to grow inside me would thrive for 9 months! I so desire to meet these two little tot-sicles ;) Please protect them. I trust you with all of my children. I know they are YOURS, on loan to me. I trust you know best. In your name I pray, amen.

Goodbye so soon

Last week I felt oddly emotional. I was unmotivated and exhausted.
I realized I hadn't had a period in a loooong time ( typical PCOS) so I hadn't thought much of it.
Something in me told me to test.... I couldn't believe it, a very faint positive. My heart fluttered a little at the thought. I couldn't believe this happened on its own. I took another and saw the same.

A few days later i tested negative. I started cramping and bleeding. Now heavy bleeding.

My heart broke and I cried it out. It hurt, really, surprisingly hurt, but I'm okay now.

My heart is so ready for another baby...

On a separate note. The sermon at church today was amazing. My emotions were allll over the place. Our pastor made a comment about "would your life go on if you lost your spouse?" I thought... Yes, it would suck but Brian isn't Jesus, he isn't my God. Then he asked " if you lost your children?"........ Loose my CHILDREN????? Noooooooo.... My heart broke. I literally just burst into tears at the thought and realized... I haven't fully trusted them over to God. I am idolizing them, in a way. They aren't mine. They were lent to me, generously... And only God knows their days. I have to give them over to Him. My life would have to go on...

But I know. I know God is on complete control and I trust Him. I trust Him with my whole heart and my whole life. Even with the unthinkable. I trust Hom. And I always will.

Anyways. That was my week. I am resting now. Heat pad on my tummy.
Vegging out.
Life is good. Hard times suck, but my hope is in Him!