What If?

How do you all deal with the "What If's?" Latley I have been close to driving myself mad with "what if's" I think,
what if i never get pregnant again?
what if i continue to ovulate with the injectable meds, but still don't acheive pregnancy?
what if i have to do in vitro?
what if even in vitro doesn't work?
what if i never have children?

Not only do I struggle with the "what if's, i then look for solutions... on the internet. I seek to soothe my soul by reading statistics and success stories, I read the latests trends on ttc (trying to conceive), and try just about anything and everything to help my ttc journey... When all that seems to fail, what then? What hope is there? Where is my faith?

Sometimes I feel ashamed to call myself a Christian. Yes, I am a good person, no, I don't swear, I try not to gossip, yes, I believe in Jesus Christ and the debt he paid for my sins... Do i really trust him? And if so, where is my faith?

I recently had an awakening to my lack of faith and selfish behavior while going through a ladies Bible study. I've decided that I put far too much time into the internet and false comfort. I need to find peace in God.
This doesn't mean that I'm not going to continue seeking medical treatment. I find nothing wrong with using modern medicine to help your body do what it's meant to do naturally. A patient has cancer, give him chemo, someone has a broken arm, you put it in a cast, for me I have a hormonal imbalance, so I need the correct hormones. However, when it becomes your only source of hope, I think we need to re evaluate our hearts. I really need to focus on finding that peace with my God, leaning on him and trusting him through this difficult journey of pokes and prods, procedures, blood draws and negative pregnancy tests. Right now it is just too tempting for me to just plop myself in front of the computer and spend hours finding short term peace on the internet.

I know that not everyone here is spiritual, but I also know that a lot of you here are and probably understand exactly where I am coming from. I pray that I can find peace in God, and in the Bible. I know I can trust God, because he has said, "all things work together for good for those who love him." I only want what he wants for my life. God has designed me to be a mother, I know that full well. However, i do not know the circumstances in which they will happen. I pray that he will prepare my heart for whatever course this journey takes. I pray I will be strong, and confident. That at the end of it all I will be a better mother because of it. I will be a better friend because of it. I will have a story to tell, and a wealth of knowledge to share, and when I die, i pray God will look me in the eyes and say "Well done".

I refuse to believe this path that I am on is a punishment. It is an example of the sin in this imperfect world. God isn't "closing my womb" because of something I did, I know that because I have confessed my sins to him, and do so daily. My God is not a God of grudges. I do not even pretend to know what he is doing. What I know is I can trust that "all things will work together for the good" because I LOVE HIM!!! I LOVE GOD! Through the pain and loss of Adriel, through the lonley aches of waiting for a second child, I LOVE GOD! I will consider this a growing time, and considered it a blessing, for I know my children will come. I know that because GOD IS GOD!

My heart aches for every woman who experiences the lonliness of loosing a child, or waiting for a child. If that is you, I pray that you will find the same peace as well.

I totally did not mean this to be "preachy" in any way whatsoever, and hope it doesn't come across that way, I guess i'm just venting it all out... Thank you for listneing.