It feels so strange to me that last year I was waddling around at 38 weeks pregnant, hoping and praying to go into labor to meet my son!! I remember being so anxious, I just wanted him to be out so badly. I was excited, but still nervous. I just wanted the pregnancy to be over. To know that he was here and safe. To know that I "did it" that I carried to term. That I would hold him and kiss him, bond with him and care for him. It was something I never had with my first baby. After we learned that Adriel was no longer living, the day after Thanksgiving 2007, I knew I was never going to be able to see him. He was only around 8 weeks old. I didn't know if I had the option, and even if I did I am not sure if I would be able to take it. I wanted my memory of Adriel to be that of a perfectly formed baby being handed over to Jesus to be cared for, for all eternity, until I also meet him in heaven. Some times I regret it. Some times I wish I could've somehow seen my little baby. Maybe that sounds morbid, but I don't care. It's the truth.
I will always ache for him, but God has healed my heart. He has given me a peace about my child in Heaven. He has also blessed me with a child on Earth also. Thanksgiving this year will be great!!! I cannot wait to see Ronan enjoying all the table food :)
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!!
Oh Melissa, I know exactly how you feel & I don't think it is morbid at all to want to see your baby no matter what gestational age he/she is. I'm the same... I soooooo wish I would have seem my little ~ 10 wk old angel after my m/c.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy that you have that peace which transcends all understanding. I do as well... now. =) I'm not sad that my baby is in heaven but I am sad that I will never know him/her on this earth. Actually I'm happy that he/she got a free pass to heaven.
There's a scripture that the Lord led me to after my m/c that really really comforts me that I wanted to share with you as well...
"And I declared that the dead, who had already died, are happier than the living, who are still alive. But better than both is he who has not yet been, who has not seen the evil that is done under the sun."
~ Ecclesiastes 4:2-3
I didn't quite understand that scripture (verse 3) until AFTER my m/c.
God is so good! =) Happy Thanksgiving! <3
Thanks Amanda. I love that verse too :) It is a strange ache that never goes away. A sort of guilt, but at the same time I know it is okay and God doesn't intend for me to feel guilty at all. Thank God he IS in heaven and in a better home I could never give him <3 it will be a beautiful reunion!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's so funny that you posted this. I've been thinking a lot about my little Faith as well. Even though I have been blessed with another pregnancy, my heart still hurts over that lost little life. But I am so thankful that this is a child will never experience the hurts and pains of this world but only know the love of Ken and I and of her heavenly Father. I wish there was some way I could still be pregnant with her and with this new little life too. And yeah, I do get the guilt thing. It's weird.
ReplyDeleteI just bet our babies are having fun together, little cousins.
:) So true. What better gift? It is so beautiful picturing them up there playing around, so perfect in their forms and filled with love. Can't wait to meet them!
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