Fear

Tests are all still negative. Tomorrow I have to do a blood test to confirm what I already know. I talked to one of the nurses about how many of the iui's with injectables he will typically want to do before going on a break, or possibly moving on to something else. She said 4- typically, if there is going to be success with an iui/ injectables cycle, it will happen within the first 3-4 cycles. I know my doctor would do up to 6 iui's with me given my history, but when I hung up the phone I was just filled with fear. Fear that 3-4 cycles is going to go by and all I will be seeing are negative tests. Fear that he will want me to move onto IVF, anxiety when I realize I am already half way there. This is NOT how I saw this going. I guess I felt like I paid my dues with infertility. I found a doctor who treated the symptoms, who helped my body prepare for pregnancy with Ronan. We already did this. It should be EASY this time, right?
It took almost 2 years of trying naturally, a miscarriage, then 5 more months of trying naturally, then finally 6 iui's (over a span of almost 8 months)to get pregnant with Ronan, 4 of those with clomid, only 2 with injectables.

Lord,
please hear my cries. Heavenly Father catch my tears and comfort my heart. Please take away my anxiety so I may rest in your wisdom. I know that your plan is perfect. You have given me a desire and a passion as a mother. I know you intend for me to have more children. Right now I am just scared. If your plan does not include me trying right now, I pray that you would speak to me, speak to my doctor. I ask that you would settle my heart and my desire. I trust you completely. I do not want what YOU don't want for my life. I am so very thankful for all you have blessed me with. I don't understand why you have designed me this way when conception for me is so difficult, but I trust You. I love you Lord. You are my hope and my shelter. Protect my heart and give me peace. And because you say I can... I am going to be bold and ask you to please bless me with another child. Please allow my family to increase in numbers. Please allow me to become pregnant!
I ask these things in Your name,
Amen