What an awful morning...

Cd 2 and I went in with Ronan by myself to the baseline...
Disaster #1. Ronan was mostly good, but there was hardly any room for the stroller, when the doctor knocked to come in it was blocking the door, like I had locked him out! I was stuck on the table because I was undressed from the waist down with a little paper thin covering... Dr. b managed to get in, he laughed about it, didn't mind, but I was quite embarressed. Right away I noticed that I had a cyst, it was obvious that it was a corpus luteam, it was pretty floppy looking and collapsed. On the other side I had another one, about 24 mm. He was a little concerned. We talked about possibly taking a break to use some b/c to hopefully see it shrink first. We did the blood work and it came back normal, so he said it would be fine to go ahead and start the meds tomorrow. It will most likely go away on it's own since it isn't producing any hormones. This is what happened once before, the cycle I got pg with Ronan. Estrodiol was 35 so I feel pretty confident it will go away.

We talked about my discouragement. It was kinda mixed because on one hand he said not to be too worried because it can take 3-4 tries sometimes. On the other hand he said the cycles looked really good so he doesn't know why it didn't work other than just timing. I feel very anxious. I feel so scared that if it doesn't happen within the next two tries, my options are very limited. It just doesn't make sense. I got pg on my own! And got pregnant with iui/ injectables last time. I really don't want to think about IVF right now...

Okay, on to disaster #2. I am finally leaving the VERY busy parking lot, Portland traffic is just ridiculous. It really starting to hit me now, the stress, the anxiety, the fear and I start crying, more like sobbing. I put on my sunlgasses to hide my tears, and this guy pulls up next to me whistling and trying to get my attention with cat calls... what the heck? Ofcourse that makes me cry more, then I get lost on my way home because I am crying so much...

Disaster #3 I just realized I forgot the needles... I turn around and make my way back to the parking lot... no parking spots. I finally see someone pulling out and take there spot. I get my needles and head back out...

Disaster #4 I am finally home and call my mom to cry it out with her... She was crying too because our family cat died :'( So we cry some more... Now my head is throbbing. This day stinks. I am just scared of the what ifs...

****** Update******

I have had some time to cool down, take some deep breaths and just speak with God and my ever loving husband. Why do I do this to myself?? Why do I allow myself to worry and to fear? Does the Lord not know my heart? Does he not know my desires? He hears my cries, he sees my tears, he will answer my pleas!

11 “You fathers—if your children ask for a fish, do you give them a snake instead? 12 Or if they ask for an egg, do you give them a scorpion? Of course not! 13 So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him.”

Luke 11:11-13

I trust you Lord, I know you know my circumstances, I know you know my Dr's. I am trusting you with the scariest part of my life. The deepest desire of my heart. It's is all I have ever wanted to be... a mother. A mother of many! Only YOU know the way my children will come to be. You will build my family. It scares me Lord, to not know. I ask that it be your will that it DOES happen within the next couple tries so that I don't need to move on to IVF. If we have to move on to something new, something a little more frightening, i pray that you give me strength and peace. There is no need to worry, you have always taken care of me and blessed me more than I deserve. I love you Lord.

Amen