Fighting fear

More than anything I want to just give this over to God, and then I do... yet why do I still find myself reflecting on the fear of this not working?

It's not really just the singular fear that the IVF will not work. It's other things like, it happening around the holidays, family announcing their pregnancies, watching as Ronan gets older and older and wishing that he had a sibling on the way.
I am so afraid that I will be heart broken this Christmas season. I am so very afraid that I may be faced with more loss, heart ache and pain.

Please God, PLEASE don't ask me to go through that again. Part of me wishes my desires would just die off, so I wouldn't have to risk my heart or emotions on this process again. However, as crazy as it is... my desires for more children are so deep, so very very deep that I can hardly breath at times. I ache to nurse again. I long to feel those movements in my belly, and hold their tiny, helpless bodies. I am anxious to see Ronan adoring his new baby brother or sister, and Brian beaming wih pride as he holds his long awaited miracle.
As much as I fear going through all this again, I know I have to. I know that my heart will not be complete. I know that I have to risk it... I also know that it will be worth it.

I have to believe, HAVE to believe that God wouldn't give me these desires if he wasn't going to allow it to happen. I know this because I specifically pray that He WOULD take the desires away if it wasn't His will. I pray this quite frequently because I so desperatly do NOT want to disobey Him, or try to pursue something that isn't His will.

I know that what I need to do is rest. Simply rest and let God be God. I have done my part, and I need to rest and let Him do His. Why is that SO hard to do????

I am 10 dpo today and should be starting my period in a few days... Then this process will offically begin. Part of me is so fearful. The other part wants to just get this going so I will have less time to think about it/ worry on it. The other part is very very excited that I could (Lord willing) be announcing a pregnancy before Christmas!!!

Lord, I come to you asking you to guard my heart and mind. I ask that if it is your will, that allow this process to work, as you have with all our test results. I do not have the emotional capacity to stop the IVF process on a whim, so Lord if this is NOT your will, i need it to be loud and clear. Brian is so sure Lord, and I want to be a good wife and just learn to rest and trust. Trust that you will take care of us. I ask that you would allow our embryos to implant - and grow to term. I ask that you protect all the embryos that Brian and I create. I trust you Lord. I really do, I am just sometimes afraid or you, when I remember the loss of Adriel. Please do not ask me to go through that again, please. Please Lord allow us to build our family.
I ask these things in Your Name, Amen.