Things have been very busy as you can expect from the Holiday season. I have been dealing with episodes of croup, crazy schedules, family time, and lots of hustle and bustle in the middle.
During this time I have felt myself think in my head... "What would I have done right now if I HAD gotten pregnant?!" I honestly don't know how I would be managing.The boys are SO much heavier, but still haven't reached the stage where they will just hold my hand and follow me. I still have to carry them to get from place to place. I would be house ridden. Thank you God for always knowing best.
It still stings, and I get pangs of pain here and there why I reflect and realize what I have lost.
What has made it increasingly difficult is finding out a very close relative is expecting and watching her go through her pregnancy, knowing how close we would be in terms of stages in development.
I will admit, a lot of it is pride. I failed. Me. My body wasn't good enough. Or my embryos weren't good enough. She can get pregnant so easily. I can't.
I am working on that part, but its more of a heart thing.
Today as I drove to church, I was thinking about the extra money I had to throw down to replace my broken iPad ( that one of my sweet children broke) to retrieve my data and memories, and how we have a dentist bill to cover. I thought about how little time I get to spend with my husband because he has to work over time to make more money to cover these types of unexpected payments. I thought about Ivf in general and how it stinks that women with these diseases don't get fair coverage... I thought about all of these struggles and frustrations... The I was hit with such a beautiful reminder... I HAVE loving, dedicated husband who works his butt off for us. he HAS a stable job, we make money enough to repair and place, pay off bills, save... i have access to a clinic who treats my disease. Atleast I CAN have children.
I imagined a life where I didn't have any of these inconveniences. Where I was like "those other people" who have it all together ( as if they really exist HA)... Then I realized, I Am thankful for struggles. I need them, because if I didn't have them, I wouldn't need God. This life will never be perfect. Never. It's not Heaven. I can try all I want to make it the best dwelling possible,but there will ALWAYS be something. Who cares!!! As long as I have my Savior, as long as He is with me, I am never alone. I always have the promises of my future with Him.
So that is where my head has been :)
In other more fun news, the boys have all moved into the SAME ROOM!!! I think this will have to be a separate post of its own though hahaha. Just wait. It is so cute! It makes me so excited about bunk beds!!!!
Oh.... And in 2 more days, my 3 year old is turning 4!!!! How is this possible???????
well said!
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