There is something about infertility...

That just changes you permanently...
I was cleaning underneath my sink and came across some ovulation tests, pg tests, basically my TTC stash. I pulled it out and had this instinctual thought, "I wonder when, or, if I will ovulate this cycle. I should test so that *just in case* I do, we can atleast TRY"... Then I was smacked with reality... What??!!
In NO way what so ever, do I want to be pregnant right now. At alllll. It was just an instinct.
Then my heart wandered back my my TTC days. My support group. Justmommies.com.

I visited my old board this morning, which I still consider to be my home away from home. "once an infertile, always an infertile", which is a saying that i always hated. I soooo wanted to prove my fertility, i wanted to appear as a normal woman. You know the kind that gets "oopsy's" and randomly throws up one morning and realizes she is pregnant ;).
Now, i couldn't wear my badge of "infertile" any more proudly. Some times, people who dont know me, or my journey, look at my life and automatically assume that I am a fertile myrtle. I don't necessarily blame them. Not many 26 year olds have 3 children under 3. But, I find that I *have* to correct them. I need them to know that each of my children were fought desperately for. That they are God given miracles. I don't care what their response is. It just needs to be known. I am not one of those women. I am the one who went through Hell, who cried desperately when she thought it was hopeless. Who died a little inside when one of her miracles died inside her. I put my heart on the line in faith that this journey was God's and that He would redeem me, however that meant.
and as I was reading through the ladies stories on the forum,their struggles, hopes and fears, my heart just ached.
I wish I could give every woman in the world who is struggling with loss and infertility a big hug.
The journey is not one I would ever want to make again. I just pray that each one of them experiences the peace, the trust, the hope that God can provide. The absolute truth that God will not lead you down a path that you cannot handle. It may not end the way you would have planned, but when does life ever turn out exactly as we thought it would? But, whatever your story is, God will make it beautiful, if you only let Him.

The boys are growing by leaps and bounds. Ronan is starting to learn how to write or draw his letters. He loves to draw the letter C. Unfortunately he also came down with a cold. The bonus for me? He is super snuggly when he is sick. I adore snuggling my Ronan. I could do it all day long :) Heaven.
Kaden and Trystan are teething, which means... Fussy :) they are also mastering their army crawls, and Kaden even pulled himself to a sitting position, from a laying down position!!!
Last night Kaden kept rolling onto Trystan in their crib. Crawling on top of him, and pulling on his face and hair... Poor Trystan. It must have happened 3+ times. Time for a second crib.
Our little house is getting pretty cramped :) and it's only going to get smaller lol. We don't plan on moving until we are expecting #4. Which feels really weird to type... I skipped the whole trying to conceive #3 step...

Here are some pics from this week. The first one is Kaden. Whenever I bottle feed him, he feels this need to shove his hand into my mouth and grab my bottom teeth. He falls asleep this way haha.

Have a great week everyone.

Happy new year!!!

It's 2:30 am and I am up for a midnight feeding. I figured I would take this blessed moment to wish you and yours a happy new year.
I spent most of 2012 feeling weak and limited due to a twin pregnancy. This year I am enjoying a stronger body, and am training with my husband for an event called The Warrior Dash. It's an awesome excuse to get back into ideal shape and it's benefits go to St Jude's.

The boys are growing and blessing me every day, yes alll if them, including my husband. His love for me never ceases to amaze me. Why God saved him for me? I will never know.

Here's a few of my latest pics. The boys are officially mobile! Ronan didn't start crawling until 8 months. Then his first steps were at 9 months.
The twins are 6 months (5 adjusted) and they are rocking on all floors. Mostly scooting backwards and in circles. They always back themselves under the couch lol.
Both are sitting and beginning to sleep regularly through the night, yay!!
They looove their food, and trying new things. Ronan is learning how to play with them, which warms my heart, and has been really into cooking and baking with his mommy :)

I have been thinking a lot on my frozen embryos lately... Can't wait to go back for them. Mostly likely sometime in 2014, but possibly at the end of this year. And depending on the quality and thawing, we hope to only put back one at a time this time.

Brian and I just had a date and saw Les Mis. We both sobbed the whole time... What a beautiful picture of our Savior it painted. What a wonderful Gid we serve. Through the good and the bad, He is our constant.

Okay, time for bed. Goodnight

Hello December!!!!

Last year I was on bed rest for the holidays. I didn't get to do all the Christmas things I wanted to, in fact, I was terrified the entire time, and hardly even enjoyed Christmas.
This year I have gone a little over board :)
My whole house is totally decked out. It is a Christmas wonderland over here. I really need to get some pics :)
Ronan loves all the lights, he is really into the nativity set, and our books about baby Jesus. It's so much fun, and I just couldn't be happier right now!!! This is going t be the best Christmas EVER!!!

The twins are rolling all over the place, and even attempting to army crawl!!! Their adjusted age is only 4 1/2 months! What is going on with them?!

This week we are going to visit our RE and introduce the twins to him. I am so excited to take them back.... And whisper a "hi" to my other two miracles on ice... " mommy will come back for you in a couple years little ones!!"

Brian and I decided not to do presents this year, we are working really hard on getting rid of all our debt. Instead we are doing desert exchanges with our families, and fun homemade cards. E kids will have some presents to open and that will be fun :)

Ronan's third birthday is also creeping up!!!! Next week we are celebrating at me church. We are using one of the big rooms and two bouncy houses :) he chose a "pirate" themed party. He is so excited. We are all going to dress up :)

I have also been learning how to shoot a bow and arrow! I feel very... Katniss ;) my sister took up archery and is showing me the way. We have a sister date coming up, and we're going to a shooting range. I am super excited.

ALSO! Brian and I have decided to do the Warrior Dash September 2013! I have always wanted to do it, but e whole trying to conceive, and pregnancy stuff has always been in the way :)
Nothing is stoping us this year!!!
For anyone who doesn't know, the Warrior Dash is a 3 mile obstacle course/ race for st Jude's Hospital! It's the biggest obstacle course in the world! It is super intense, it mostly fun. By the end, you are just covered in mud :)
I cannot wait to train with Brian and get filthy in September!!!

Also in September we are planning a trip to DISNEYLAND!!!!! I am beyond excited!!!! My whole family is going, so the Grand parents can help watch the kids while Brian and I relive our youth and go crazy on rides!!!! I am literally LIVING for September 2013 lol.

I hope everyone enjoys this Christmas season as much as I am going to. May we all be blessed with love, joy, peace and God's beautiful gift of Jesus!!!!!

Content with my role

My pastor has been giving sermons about manhood vs womanhood. I am not going to go into full detail here, but the sermons have been so moving to me and are helping me shift my focus.

Lately I have been experiencing a misplaced guilt. My whole life I have dreamed about being a wife and at home mom. It's always been my passion, my dream. Of course I have other interests too, aspirations, desires, but none more important than the task of raising children to know and love the Lord. Build up a husband, experience true, self less love, and grow old with my family.
But the world tugs at my heart sometimes. It tells me that as a stay at home mom i an ignorant, that I am lazy, uninformed, uneducated, a shut in, with no social life. The world looks at me with pity, or embarrassment. As if I am wasting my life. And sometimes I believe it. I grow anxious about finding a job, going back to school to prove my intelligence, or to prove that I am still a fun, social woman. I worry I am " losing myself", when I should really be embracing my role.
I don't care what the world says. I AM intelligent!! I have to be a nurse to my children, a preschool teacher, an entertainer lol, and don't even get me started on all my knowledge of reproduction and early pregnancy haha. I am a cook, a maid, I do finances, plan creative date nights, I am an artist, musician, I am available to my neighbors... I am a wife and mom. I am a servant to God. I can't think of anything else much more important. I am finding the beauty, importance and joy in my role!

I am also getting excited about the influence I have over my growing boys. I am the only woman in their life, day on and day out. I have such a beautiful role in how they will grow up and form opinions about women and how they should be treated. These boys are so blessed to have Brian and I, and we are so blessed to have them. I am so excited for our future, and I am enjoying our present. I hope you all are too. And if you are prone to hearing the enemies lies, I pray that you will be able to shut him out!!

No matter what your circumstances are ( I understand that there are women who love to work, and some that wish they could be home, but cannot afford it) this is not to say that you are wrong, in fact, only Satan wants you to feel that way, or experience guilt. Every family is different, and that is okay!!

The enemy would just love to find your week spot and cause you to experience guilt and anxiety. As women, we need to just shut him up and enjoy our roles as women!!!!

I must be doing something right...

Every week I take the boys to a play group at my church, we share toys, snacks and use the church bouncy house.
All the kids are very sweet, and very dominantly BOYS!
This can be very fun, and also challenging. Boys can be a little more territorial at times, so you can imagine a little conflict from time to time...
Well even with all the testosterone my oldest boy, my Ronan, makes me so so proud... He is the kindest friend. He enjoys playing with all the kids, and SO FAR, shows no prejudice. He rarely ever takes toys from his friends and doesn't get upset when others do. When a friend is sad or upset you can see it on Ronan's face. He becomes very concerned for them and wants to comfort them.
A couple days ago he met a new " friend" who had some special needs. Ronan was a little curious with his behavior, but after a few minuets of observation, decided that he wanted to play with this new friend too. Ronan shared his toys with him, jumped in the bouncy house with him and they all shared snacks together. When the other kids had melt downs and fought, my little man was confused and just wanted to keep playing.
This is not to say that my 2 year old is perfect and never melts down lol. He has his moments... But his character deep down, the core if who he is and is growing to be is just... Inspiring.

I am so proud of Ronan :)

Testing, testing 1,2,3

So, I got a new iPhone and I am hoping the accessibility will make blogging easier!! So this is a test from my phone!

No time!!!!

I apologize for the lack of blogging lately. Although I am sure you all understand WHY :) I am frustrated though. I always like to include pics, but I can't figure out how to do it on my iPad :( What has life been like for little old me? Well, I have been back to pre pregnancy weight for a while, keeping it off, and it seriously feels so good. Brian and I are doing better than ever. I think we are slightly over compensating because we know how crazy our lives are. We pray together every night, and try to fully take advantage of any moment we are alooooone together ;) we have great discussions, goals, and just plain fun! I am so pleased with the man God chose for me. He is such a great husband and father. I have an appointment with a pain management doctor for frequent headaches. They are just getting worste and worste. I will most likely start getting cortisone, or Botox injections at the base of my head/ neck area. So, I am definitely looking forward to some pain relief. Ronan's vocabulary has exploded and he is talking full sentences. Also, he has turned into quite the comedian. That I'd has me laughing all day. He is mostly very well behaved too. I actually managed to take all three boys to the zoo by myself the other day. Yes, people looked at me as if I was a freak show, but we had a great time :) Art is his new favorite pass time, with the weather turning colder it's harder to get outside and enjoy his sand box, his previous favorite. He loves to color. He is also learning Spanish. He loves it! The twins are doing great. Getting very Riley poley. Don't worry, I will be sure to add some pics very soon Kaden is making excellent eye contact and recently discoverd his voice. Unlike his brother Trystan who has been cooing for weeks and just recently started laughing :) They are both batting at toys, grasping and putting into their mouth. Tracking me wherever I go, and even more so, tracking big brother :) Fall is my favorite season, and we already have 2 trips to pumpkin patches planned. One of those being my husband's 29th birthday!!! His last before the 30's. I can't believe it! We are getting so old ;) I am getting Ronan all hyped up for Christmas, the story of Jesus, fun Christmas songs, the lights. It's just so amazing to experience Christmas with your children. I never knew I would enjoy it this much. It really makes it so much more special. I just realized I will need TWO more stockings this year!!! And then I think back to last year.... We were stimming at this point. My retrieval was October 31st, their conception date. It's just all so surreal. All that we have been through, it was all worth it... And we still have 2 more munchkins waiting. My heart has two spots just waiting to be filled by them. Seeing Kaden and Trystan here, in my arms, and not as a blastocyst has me so excited about what heir frozen siblings will look like! But.... That is still a few years away :) Well, it's getti late, and I think I may get to sleep. Allll the boys are tucked in, and it's time for me to retire too. Hope all is well with all my friends out there! Thanks for following me, and caring about me and my little family, even though I have been slacking in the posts :)