And so it begins...

"It has already been taken care of..."

Today Brian and I went to the pharmacy to buy all of our medicine for the IVF cycle. We figured, better to just get most of it all at once- it was going to be expensive. The pharmacists were very nice, and had everything all ready to go. As we were ringing everything up he just stopped, looked at us and said, "Okay, looks like you are set to go".... Brian, card in hand said, "well, I still have to pay..." The pharmmacist says, "no, it has been taken care of"

WHAT???

"an anonymous donor has paid for it in full..." With our eyes wide, mouths gaping open, we said thank you, and that we'd be back if we needed any refills, or supplies and sorta walked away like zombies... we had no idea how to respond. The next thing we knew, we both had tears streaming down our faces and we were walking aimlessly around the store not knowing how to register this new information. That is close to 2,000 dollars of medicine...

I have no idea who did this... But I only hope and pray they know how incredibly blessed we feel. God used them to meet a need and touch our hearts in a way that nothing else could.

PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!

It's just all coming together. I feel so undeserving of the support, love and now this blessing...

I am still a little blow away...



Here is a picture of our meds! You can't see it, but in the bottom there are TONS of needles lol. I feel like a junkie...

4 days until injections start...

I am so excited to get this journey going, and Lord willing, build my family!!!! Thanks so much for all your prayers and support!

Count downs!

I am closing in!!!

I am on my 12th day of birth control. My hormones and emotions are a little whacky but manageable.
I started getting some mild cramping/ spotting the last 2 days- my nurse assured me that it was normal so I felt better.

6 more days until I start Lupron!!! 6 days, that is less than a week!

18 Days until I start stimming

34 Days until my miracles are placed back into my womb. That is the day I will consider myself pregnant :)
Lord willing, He will allow my babies to snuggle in deep for a long journey :)

I am getting everything ready for my bedrest :)
New snuggly pajamas
Chick flicks
Visits/ prayer time with close friends/ family
Games
Verses to meditate on
And I am sure, plenty of snuggles from Ronan :)

There have been many moments where I just want to take control, worry, or just get anxious about all the little things. I am learning that I just need to REST and let God take control. He is so good. ALL the time. I can trust his plan.

That is my update for now.

Ronan, is such a busy boy. He is loving the fall weather. He LOVES the rain. I guess it's good that he lives in the Northwest ;)
It is going to be so much fun taking him to the pumpkin patch in a few weeks. He had fun last year, but this year he will really be able to enjoy the slides and hay bales. Can't wait!!

Incase it hadn't yet been mentioned...

Brian and I are being somewhat private about our IVF journey, not secret, but more discreet. Only a hand full of people we know in real life have been let in on our journey.
Not many of my friends in real life are on my blog checking it out, or even know that I blog, but for those who do, and for anyone else out there- if you also have me on Facebook, I ask that you respect our wishes and keep it discreet.

I am a very open person and if anyone asks me point blank, I will share with them.

However I have had a few awkward, and disheartening experiences opening up these last few months.

Turns out, some people just get weirded out by the whole IVF process and get really quiet/ silent. I don't really know what to do with that? lol I usually end up trying dig out of the conversation and pretend it never happened.
Others will just tell me point blank that they think it's just going too far and taking it out of God's hands... once again- a weird conversation that would take a long winded explanation from me.

So for those reasons we are choosing a little more carefully how we approach this subject.

For those of you wonderful people who have followed me for awhile, or are just beginning to follow our story, I am so thankful for your support. You can play an important role in our IVF journey as well.

For our loved ones supporting us, I ask that you:
Please pray for my body to cooperate, but more than anything please pray for the health of our embryos, and that the ones the physicians put back would make it, and we would be pregnant!

If you know me well, you also know my anxiety level can sky rocket, so please pray for that. You can be sure I will be meditating heavily of Philipians chapter 4 quite often

Thanks everyone!!!

Here's the plan :)

Start birthcontrol TOMORROW (the 23rd)

Continue birthcontrol and add Lupron and other oral meds (such as antibiotics, baby aspirin etc...) October 10th

STOP Birthcontrol around October 14th, continue Lupron and oral meds.

Supression check October 20th (Brian's birthday lol) get the "OKAY" for stims

Start Stimulation of the follicles October 22nd

Most likely trigger October 31st

Retrieve eggs November 2nd

Transfer my babies back November 7th!!!

Thank God for modern science and medicine. As Brian put it, "We are doing all we can, and it will be completely in God's hands after that"

In the mean time I am working hard preparing the Christmas musical at our church. Practices start soon, and auditions as well. It will be so much fun, and a great distraction from all the meds.

Please continue to pray for my body as it prepares to under go all of this!
Pray that the embryos made between Brian and I will be healthy and strong!
Pray that the Lord would guide the physician's hands and that ultimately the embryos that survive the 5 day journey will be healthy enough to go the 9 month distance in my womb :)
Ofourse I want them ALL to make it, but I have learned that in nature, not all of the conceived are the right chromosomal matches and don't make it past 3 days... Usually the ones that DO make it to 5 days are pretty strong.

That's all for now!

Ronan is napping and I need one too :) Hope everyone is having a blessed week!

Fighting fear

More than anything I want to just give this over to God, and then I do... yet why do I still find myself reflecting on the fear of this not working?

It's not really just the singular fear that the IVF will not work. It's other things like, it happening around the holidays, family announcing their pregnancies, watching as Ronan gets older and older and wishing that he had a sibling on the way.
I am so afraid that I will be heart broken this Christmas season. I am so very afraid that I may be faced with more loss, heart ache and pain.

Please God, PLEASE don't ask me to go through that again. Part of me wishes my desires would just die off, so I wouldn't have to risk my heart or emotions on this process again. However, as crazy as it is... my desires for more children are so deep, so very very deep that I can hardly breath at times. I ache to nurse again. I long to feel those movements in my belly, and hold their tiny, helpless bodies. I am anxious to see Ronan adoring his new baby brother or sister, and Brian beaming wih pride as he holds his long awaited miracle.
As much as I fear going through all this again, I know I have to. I know that my heart will not be complete. I know that I have to risk it... I also know that it will be worth it.

I have to believe, HAVE to believe that God wouldn't give me these desires if he wasn't going to allow it to happen. I know this because I specifically pray that He WOULD take the desires away if it wasn't His will. I pray this quite frequently because I so desperatly do NOT want to disobey Him, or try to pursue something that isn't His will.

I know that what I need to do is rest. Simply rest and let God be God. I have done my part, and I need to rest and let Him do His. Why is that SO hard to do????

I am 10 dpo today and should be starting my period in a few days... Then this process will offically begin. Part of me is so fearful. The other part wants to just get this going so I will have less time to think about it/ worry on it. The other part is very very excited that I could (Lord willing) be announcing a pregnancy before Christmas!!!

Lord, I come to you asking you to guard my heart and mind. I ask that if it is your will, that allow this process to work, as you have with all our test results. I do not have the emotional capacity to stop the IVF process on a whim, so Lord if this is NOT your will, i need it to be loud and clear. Brian is so sure Lord, and I want to be a good wife and just learn to rest and trust. Trust that you will take care of us. I ask that you would allow our embryos to implant - and grow to term. I ask that you protect all the embryos that Brian and I create. I trust you Lord. I really do, I am just sometimes afraid or you, when I remember the loss of Adriel. Please do not ask me to go through that again, please. Please Lord allow us to build our family.
I ask these things in Your Name, Amen.

Fall is almost here!!!

So much going on lately! Brian and I just got back from a weekend at the Bay with family. We had so much fun, and the weather was perfect!

I spent my days reading, playing card games, girl talk with my sister :) snuggling Ronan, taking walks with Brian on the beach, and getting lost with Brian in the forest lol. We had some pretty awesome adventures.
Ronan's favorite thing was throwing the seaweed and rocks into the bay, especially when the tide was coming in. He spent HOURS doing that! He also loved the showers :) He got so much love and attention from Grandma's Grandpa's Aunties and Uncles. It was a fabulous weekend.

The weather has definitely shifted since coming back and it feels like Fall is coming! I spent a couple hours working in Ronan's play room. I am slowly turning it into his "school room" I know he isn't even 2 yet, but that kid of mine is SO SMART!
He loves to learn. He can name almost all the letters in the alphabet, colors, shapes and is starting to count! He loves puzzles and coloring. Books, songs and snuggling on mommy and daddy's bed are more of his favorites.
We pray together at night and he says "amen". I love incorporating God into our every day conversations. It helps keep my own heart and mind focused more on Him. We say things like,"Ronan, look at the way God made this tree! And the little family of birds over there" "God makes beautiful flowers!"

As far as my cycle is going. AF should arrive by the 20th or 21st. I had a positive OPK CD 17 and 18. I think I ovulated either on CD 18 or 19. We ofcourse "baby danced" just incase the Lord wants to throw us a suprise ;) but I am not holding my breath at this point.
Once AF comes, I will start birth control for 21 days, While on the b/c I will overlap with Lupron injections and continue the Lupron when I finish the B/C. My cycle will then start again and I will STILL be doing the Lupron (to keep my ovaries "quiet" and LH low) Then I will have my baseline u/s and when everything looks good I will start my stims around October 20th!!! After that it will go very quickly!!!

Please Lord, prepare my body now for what is to come. Lord, I ask that YOUR will be done. I only want what YOU want for my life. My desire for more children is so strong it aches. Thank you that I am a mother, and thank you that I am a good mother. I am so blessed by you everyday. Please allow my body to cooperate, please protect my embryos, and create just the right amount for our family. I am putting this in YOUR hands. Every little life that is conceived through Brian and I, I pray will be protected and eventually grown into a beautiful life that we can love and raise. Please Lord, I ask that the embryos put back would be compatible with life. That they would be of the right chromosomes. That they be healthy, and will implant. I ask these things in YOUR NAME,
Amen.