October.....

Brian and I have been thinking and praying a lot on our future.... Mostly when we want to go back for our frozen babes ;) We are feeling surprisingly ready NOW!!! However, there is a lot of stuff I want to do over the summer, crazy stuff that I would prefer to do without a baby in my tummy :) So we will probably be looking to transfer around October. That would make the twins and a new baby exactly 2 years apart. It sounds crazy to a lot of people. But honestly, we feel like we have hit this level of chaos that it just wouldn't really make a difference. I love the idea of having Them close to age, so that we can go through the chaotic stage all at one... Then enjoy the slower pace of life together too. Maybe we will finally get a girl this time around??? I would be happy with all boys too thouh.... And maybe.... Maybe we won't get to meet them at all, which completely breaks my heart, but I do understand that it could happen. We have discussed that too. If neither of them take, we will most likely begin paperwork to start the adoption process right away. Life is so exciting, and I love how crazy mine is. I fully trust God to lead my family in the direction HE wants. It is slightly terrifying, but I am just choosing to trust. Next week I am getting a NEW STROLLER!!! It officially for Kaden and Trystan's first birthday party... Which I still need to plan, and think about themes and decorations... But yeah, my mom and MIL went in together to get me a new stroller! I cannot wait. It's a four seater, that can handle a car seat in one of the spots, it for now, will allow me an extra spot to put grocery items in. Or just my diaper bag, and I will be able to comfortably travel with my guys. It is supposed to fold up really easy, which was the problem with my last stroller. It was a pain in the BUTT to take out and out away. But back to the birthday party... Are the twins REALLY already one year old almost???!!! It is just nuts... I have no idea what to do for a theme... We are holding the party at a local park, it will be potluck style. Guess there really doesn't have to be a theme, I just want it to be beautiful,and memorable... If you have any ideas, pass them on :)

Road trip

We just got back from our family road trip to Nevada to see Brian's parents... It went so well!!! Even the 10+ hour drive there and back!!!
To make the road trip fun, we documented the whole vacation. We made frequent stops along the way at parks and play places. We caravanned with siblings, used walkie talkies between the vehicles, stalked up on sooooo much candy and snacks, and movies to watch in the car.

My highlights of the actual trip were playing darts, cards, learning to shoot, taking long hot baths, star gazing, girl nights with my sister in law, running with my husband and brother in law, bbq's and wheel barrow rides with Ronan lol.

Here are some random pics with family, cousins, first tastes if ice cream, snuggles, etc.... Enjoy

10 months

I am having a hard time believing it has been 10 months since I gave birth to the twins... It's all kind of a big blur! I am so glad I took a lot of pictures because, man... It has gone by so fast. Everything seems to really be coming together lately. Everyone is healthy, cold and flue season is coming to an end. The boys are napping on the same schedule ( even with Ronan) and sleeping through the night... It has been so awesome!!! Both boys are cruising, and really getting close to those first steps!!! Ronan loves playing with them. He has little games he does with each. Pat a cake, is one of his favorites, and he also loves to get them to follow him down the hall, and into the playroom. It just warms my heart so much seeing them all playing together. I have been looking on pinterest to see different ideas for bunk beds and ideas. I to, when we move,which will be in a year or so ( definitely before we deliver the next baby) I want one big room for the kids, and I want to make it the sleeping room. There are some amazing ideas out there for bunk beds for multiples, when I get a chance I will try to ad pics. Then use the other rooms in the house as a play room, and a school room, a guest room ( and if we have a girl, we will use a separate room for her) then our room. It makes me so excited to dream about our next house :) I can't believe I will be starting school with Ronan next year!!! Not that I havent been already. I was looking at the requirements for kindergarten, and Ronan is like way beyond that, in English and in Spanish lol. I am so excited!!! In a couple days we are going on our first big vacation as a family!!! I am so pumped!!! We are going on a road trip to visit my in laws in Nevada. It's about a 9- 10 hour drive :O .... We went to the store and loaded up on snacks and goodies. I have a novel to read, the kids have their favorite blankies and toys. We have movies to watch in the car, we are like READY!!! I can't wait to have Grandma and Grandpa play with the boys while Brian and I get some alone time. My neighbors and family are so sweet and watching and house sitting for us, everythingis taken care of, and I just cannot wait to have a change of scenery for a few days... In two months they will be ONE year old... I have to start planning their birthdays!!!! I never thought I would be here, on the other side of infertility, with my arms litterally full of babies. God has been using me so much in the lives of other women who are going through what I have been through, I am so thankful I can provide hope for them, and actually support them. I have a very close friend/ family member who will be going through IVF soon, please pray for her. She has been waiting for so long. I want to see that girl pregnant so bad. Praying for all my other girls out there who are still waiting. And praising God for those who have been blessed already.

My house is ever changing...

I often rearrange furniture, and love changing things up in the house. I have been like this ever since I was a kid. I would even doodle up a blue print type map and draw out how I wanted to move it, then ask my daddy to do it for me (often while I was sitting in church- shhhh)

Now, I am a big girl, and I do it all myself ;)

I can't remember if I mentioned it on here, but ever since the Super Bowl ( when we had family over) and Ronan gave up his queen sized bed, to sleep on a crib mattress in my closet, he is STILL there. It is like... His new room haha. He even has his own drawer in there now. He keeps his binky, nigh night pull ups, favorite toys, and cars in there. It really doesn't bug me at all... Actually, I kinda like it :)

Ronan's room is now back to a guest bed/ playroom.
The twin's room is also home to many many toys, and each kid has their own crib now.

It is so fun watching them grow and change!!! Ronan is making friends left and right. He loves to play soccer, tag, hide and seek, throwing rocks lol, and playing "trolls" :)
We met a family at the park, and Ronan, and the little boy became instant best friends. It was so beautiful seeing how happy it made him. Turns out they were only 3 days apart!!! Crazy. It led me to spend sometime with the mom, and she and I are now becoming friends :) play dates are in the future!!!

Kaden and Trystan, are pulling up, cruising, holding their own bottles, laughing, eating Cheerios, pirate booty, mum mums, oatmeal, various fruit and veggies, and even had some chicken tonight!
They still are not sleeping consistently through the night. Well, mostly Trystan. Kaden sleeps pretty well. But since they share a room... Well... Yeah.
Ronan loves playing with them now. He gets down on all fours and crawls with them :)
I love seeing them show love to each other. It's what I have dreamed my whole life...
I find myself so completely content and happy these days. I remember my heart ache, my fear, my pain, so well. I dont think I will ever forget. And I honestly am thankful for it. I am thankful GOD has been, and always will be in control of my journey.

On a separate note...
I have had the opportunity to really be there for some ladies in my life who are going through similar situations. And it just confirms what I already know. God is using me. I am so thankful to be able to have this knowledge and experience so I CAN help!

My heart also aches for a fellow blogger who has had a very heart aching, roller coaster journey.
I really don't even know the words to pray for her... I guess just peace. She is grieving the loss of her full term daughter, born sleeping. This after years of infertility, failed Ivf, an adoption that fell through after 11 days of bonding with the baby... It's just all too much.
There are some things I will never understand, and I am not even going to try. Just please pray for this family. God knows them, he knows their needs... I am just so broken for them....

Praying for you all, wherever you are in your journeys. May God always be present!

This is how I get around now...

We changed the boy's cars eats. It was too heavy carrying them around I n their carriers, and they were almost out grown!!!!
So, this is now how they are carried around lol. This is me with the boys at play group :)

An epiphany...

Almost 8 years ago Brian and I were married, I was 19, he was 21. As soon as we were married, and the possibility of having children was finally possible ( we both waited until we were married to be intimate) it was almost all I could think about. I had very little education on the matter. Every time we would have sex, I would almost always wonder, could I be getting pregnant right now? Maybe I will be one of those people who gets pregnant on birth control. It seems like I knew so many who did! After all, it was my hope, my dream. My heart's desire!

Once I educated myself and realized that it wasn't "adding up" for me, I had a gut feeling this wasn't going to be as easy as I had imagined. It wasn't going to be like it was on tv.

After the loss of my miracle baby I was finally diagnosed with PCOS. I was pretty much miserable. In my prayer time with God, my love never wavered, but I was so angry with Him.
"God, why? Why on earth did you create me this way? It feels so cruel!" God designed me to love children, to desire to have my own, to long for the intimacy of pregnancy, and nursing, yet... Withhold it from me? I could not understand Him. It was the most painful ache I could even imagine. I could literally feel the gaping emptiness in my womb. My uterus felt cold, dark, broken. My arms had nothing to hold. I would stare at my empty guest bedrooms and imagine what it would look like to put baby things in them. I would pretend to hold a small, warm little baby. His or her head resting on my shoulder, my chin brushing against their soft fuzzy baby hair, smelling that glorious baby smell. Then the tears, the hot tears that would inevitably follow.

It wasn't until just now that I feel like this journey was very specifically designed for me. Don't get me wrong, I have ALWAYS known that God was in control on my journey, and knew all the details to come. And I do not believe God "cursed me" with this, or that it was caused by "unconfessed sin". I know that we live in a world of sickness and death. However, I recently RE asked myself the question, "why God? Why out of allll the ailments in the world do you allow me infertility?"

And the answer was so obvious. I felt like God gifted me with infertility because He wanted to heighten, to deepen, to make the ONE THING that I desired so much, to mean EVEN MORE!!! He didn't give it to me right away, or even when I begged and pleaded. He grew my anticipation, He forced me to wait because He was going to bless me SO abundantly, and He wanted me to just BASK in the beauty of it all. The redemption.
He knew I was going to have 3 boys under 3, and while most people would be overwhelmed by the thought, I still feel the butterflies in my tummy each time they smile at me. He gave me that.
I never take them for granted. He gave me that. When they are screaming, crying, waking up at all hours, I am TIRED, but so, SO blessed. He gave me that!!!!
My husband and I look at our journey. We look at the family He has built for us, on earth AND in heaven. He did that... He gave me a husband who would be just righty for this journey too. I can not imagine any one of my ex boyfriends who could have done better, or any other man for that matter. I cannot imagine anyone else who could have done better. My husband is my hero, a true gift from God.

So, when you ask "why God? Why did you give this to me?" .... Don't feel frustrated if you cannot understand it now. It may reveal itself to you later, or not until we meet our Savior face to face. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that God loves you. He wants GOOD things for you. He is so mysterious, but so good. Trust Him, even when you don't want to.

Thank you God. Thank you for leading me, for building my family the way YOU wanted. I feel your love today. I see your works in my life, and I am so blessed.

There is something about infertility...

That just changes you permanently...
I was cleaning underneath my sink and came across some ovulation tests, pg tests, basically my TTC stash. I pulled it out and had this instinctual thought, "I wonder when, or, if I will ovulate this cycle. I should test so that *just in case* I do, we can atleast TRY"... Then I was smacked with reality... What??!!
In NO way what so ever, do I want to be pregnant right now. At alllll. It was just an instinct.
Then my heart wandered back my my TTC days. My support group. Justmommies.com.

I visited my old board this morning, which I still consider to be my home away from home. "once an infertile, always an infertile", which is a saying that i always hated. I soooo wanted to prove my fertility, i wanted to appear as a normal woman. You know the kind that gets "oopsy's" and randomly throws up one morning and realizes she is pregnant ;).
Now, i couldn't wear my badge of "infertile" any more proudly. Some times, people who dont know me, or my journey, look at my life and automatically assume that I am a fertile myrtle. I don't necessarily blame them. Not many 26 year olds have 3 children under 3. But, I find that I *have* to correct them. I need them to know that each of my children were fought desperately for. That they are God given miracles. I don't care what their response is. It just needs to be known. I am not one of those women. I am the one who went through Hell, who cried desperately when she thought it was hopeless. Who died a little inside when one of her miracles died inside her. I put my heart on the line in faith that this journey was God's and that He would redeem me, however that meant.
and as I was reading through the ladies stories on the forum,their struggles, hopes and fears, my heart just ached.
I wish I could give every woman in the world who is struggling with loss and infertility a big hug.
The journey is not one I would ever want to make again. I just pray that each one of them experiences the peace, the trust, the hope that God can provide. The absolute truth that God will not lead you down a path that you cannot handle. It may not end the way you would have planned, but when does life ever turn out exactly as we thought it would? But, whatever your story is, God will make it beautiful, if you only let Him.

The boys are growing by leaps and bounds. Ronan is starting to learn how to write or draw his letters. He loves to draw the letter C. Unfortunately he also came down with a cold. The bonus for me? He is super snuggly when he is sick. I adore snuggling my Ronan. I could do it all day long :) Heaven.
Kaden and Trystan are teething, which means... Fussy :) they are also mastering their army crawls, and Kaden even pulled himself to a sitting position, from a laying down position!!!
Last night Kaden kept rolling onto Trystan in their crib. Crawling on top of him, and pulling on his face and hair... Poor Trystan. It must have happened 3+ times. Time for a second crib.
Our little house is getting pretty cramped :) and it's only going to get smaller lol. We don't plan on moving until we are expecting #4. Which feels really weird to type... I skipped the whole trying to conceive #3 step...

Here are some pics from this week. The first one is Kaden. Whenever I bottle feed him, he feels this need to shove his hand into my mouth and grab my bottom teeth. He falls asleep this way haha.

Have a great week everyone.