Give me a life of struggles, atleast I will always have YOU

Things have been very busy as you can expect from the Holiday season. I have been dealing with episodes of croup, crazy schedules, family time, and lots of hustle and bustle in the middle.
During this time I have felt myself think in my head... "What would I have done right now if I HAD gotten pregnant?!" I honestly don't know how I would be managing.The boys are SO much heavier, but still haven't reached the stage where they will just hold my hand and follow me. I still have to carry them to get from place to place. I would be house ridden. Thank you God for always knowing best.

It still stings, and I get pangs of pain here and there why I reflect and realize what I have lost.
What has made it increasingly difficult is finding out a very close relative is expecting and watching her go through her pregnancy, knowing how close we would be in terms of stages in development.
I will admit, a lot of it is pride. I failed. Me. My body wasn't good enough. Or my embryos weren't good enough. She can get pregnant so easily. I can't.

I am working on that part, but its more of a heart thing.

Today as I drove to church, I was thinking about the extra money I had to throw down to replace my broken iPad ( that one of my sweet children broke) to retrieve my data and memories, and how we have a dentist bill to cover. I thought about how little time I get to spend with my husband because he has to work over time to make more money to cover these types of unexpected payments. I thought about Ivf in general and how it stinks that women with these diseases don't get fair coverage... I thought about all of these struggles and frustrations... The I was hit with such a beautiful reminder... I HAVE loving, dedicated husband who works his butt off for us. he HAS a stable job, we make money enough to repair and place, pay off bills, save... i have access to a clinic who treats my disease. Atleast I CAN have children.

I imagined a life where I didn't have any of these inconveniences. Where I was like "those other people" who have it all together ( as if they really exist HA)... Then I realized, I Am thankful for struggles. I need them, because if I didn't have them, I wouldn't need God. This life will never be perfect. Never. It's not Heaven. I can try all I want to make it the best dwelling possible,but there will ALWAYS be something. Who cares!!! As long as I have my Savior, as long as He is with me, I am never alone. I always have the promises of my future with Him.

So that is where my head has been :)

In other more fun news, the boys have all moved into the SAME ROOM!!! I think this will have to be a separate post of its own though hahaha. Just wait. It is so cute! It makes me so excited about bunk beds!!!!

Oh.... And in 2 more days, my 3 year old is turning 4!!!! How is this possible???????

What's next?

Brian and I met with Dr B to discuss future options if we should decide to continue expanding our family.

We discussed everything from Clomid and timed intercourse, to mini IVF and back to conventional IVF.

We feel very certain that our family is not complete yet. We have always dreamed of a large family. We are not rich though lol, so we need to consider all our options and discuss the route we should take.

He recommended either returning to injectibles and IUI ( since that worked for Ronan- albeit after 6 attempts) and our insurance stopped covering any monitoring for infertility cycles... So each try would be 2,500 dollars.... That adds up pretty quick and doesn't have high success rates.

He also recommends Conventional IVF. He did not think I was a good candidate for mini IVF ( which is essentially low dose meds IVF cycle- you look to retrieve only 2-3 eggs... But after a lot of thought, this just seems like a fancy IUI... The reason I am not a good candidate is that my egg quality isn't that great, in the sense at out of 20 mature eggs only 13 fertilized naturally ( most likely because my eggs are "tougher" harder to penetrate due to my PCOS ) of the 13 we only ended up with 2 amazing blasts and 2 to freeze. Obviously those weren't healthy since they stopped growing.

So the odds of getting a perfect blast to transfer from just 2-3 eggs isn't very good. And then the cycle is a bust.

So IUI or back to IVF... Part of me wanted to try to IUI again, but Brian remembers how horrible it was... So emotional and so many negatives...

He instead thinks our best chance to finish our family ( we have always wanted 4- any more would be incredible blessings we would take happily) but we will be just thrilled if we only got one more child.

So the best chance would be to return to conventional IVF.

However, we aren't rich so..... That means saving for a year. I would actually be okay waiting longer since im only 28.

It's pretty overwhelming... But it's the desire of our hearts. There isn't anything else that we put above family ( besides our relationship with God) we don't long for a bigger, nicer house, or new cars, or this or that... No, our passion is in children. 

We also want to adopt, but don't feel ready for that step quite yet. 

During our time off I am going to be taking some herbal supplements and track my cycles to see if I can ovulate on my own. It would be an amazing blessing to get pregnant naturally. I know it CAN happen.. So why not try? If we did get pregnant we would be done and all that money would go into savings! I know.. I know... I dream, but God can do anything!!! Maybe He will give me a surprise miracle?

Anyway, that is our update :)

I am looking forward to this step back from trying and excited for the holiday season with my amazing boys ( and man ;)

They are growing up so fast and this is definitely my favorite stage!!!!

A positive thing that is coming from all this, is that I have nothing holding me back from coaching again next season, so that is something I look forward to . God used me SO much last year, I am excited to go back.

The other project that I am working on is managing the advertisement/ marketing of my husband's first novel. It's currently in the beta reader stages and in a few months will be off to its final stages of editing! We plan to have it out out for sale by summer 2014.

It's all very exciting and I cannot wait to see others fall in love with this book like I have :)

Thank you blogger friends for sticking with me during this journey. I feel like a masochist at times... Wanting and desiring something that my body doesn't want to cooperate with... It's painful and a battle, but as my husband reminds me daily, as he gazes at our lively boys " would you trade it for anything though?"

Absolutely not.... I will fight... Until God takes away my desires, or puts new ones in my heart ( which believe me, I pray for often) I will continue to fight!

Negative

Brian and I had to say goodbye once again.... Painfull, but we are honestly OKAY. We trust our Lord and Savior. This isn't our first experience with heart ache and God has taught us well how to respond. We never regret trying, we never feel remorse for the money we save up for the chance to build our family. More than having a bigger house or nicer things, this is what we choose to invest in. We meet with our RE next week to go over this cycle and discuss options for the future. We are heart broken that we didn't get to meet this beautiful one, but hopeful God will bless us atleast just one more time... Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers

The roller coaster....

If you have ever experienced any form of infertility and treatment, you will understand this. Stuck on bed rest, life happening around me, and I am just stuck here in this bed with nothing to do but think. Think, pray, distract myself.... One minute I am optimistic, encouraged, pumped and excited! Then I am horribly discouraged. My mind brings back the words that shook me to the core, " you lost one" And the odds 50% flash in my mind. Fear, panic, loss.... Then there are times, very brief, where I am just in absolutely peace of whatever may come. I remember my eternal perspective. I remember how there is more to life than this current struggle. That I am eternally blessed beyond measure. I love those moments. I wish I could stretch them out more. I am working on it.... Then I return back to how deeply I desire to have just one more baby.... How much it would stink to loose those one too.... Then the fear and panic sets back in. Just once I wish getting pregnant was easy haha. Anyway, that's my brain right now.... My back is sooooo sore from laying flat all the time. Ugggghhhhh! Only one more day of bed rest after this!

Meet my little fighter :)

Here is our only surviving embryo.... Praying he or she can beat the odds!

Not what I expected.....

Brian and I were all giggles and full of excitement when we checked it....

When we were finally taken back we were told the news we hadn't prepared ourselves for.

"One survived, but the other didn't..."

I was completely shocked.... How??!! They looked so perfect before, perfect they said.

It happens 5% of the time.... Lucky me.

It felt like my miscarriage with Adriel all over again.

I immediately began sobbing. It just killed me.

They gave me a Valium which helped a little, but the searing pain left me feeling hopeless. They said the other embryo looked good to fair- a real confidence booster. It started as a 4aa and was now a 3AB. The RE assured me that with my history of carrying babies, if it is a healthy embryo we will get pregnant without a hitch, but if it has any anomalies it will arrest.

I'm having a hard time processing this information since just a few hours ago I was hoping for twins again.

I also know that this is God's will. I am shocked and saddened by it, but He is the creator of the universe. I do not question His plan.

For now I am grieving my lost one, and praying with everything inside that this little bud of life will continue to grow.

Please pray for us as we navigate through this transition. Pray that God will be glorified in any out come. That my heart will be content in HIM.

Tomorrow, tomorrow,I'll love ya, tomorrow, you're only a day away.....

I am so nervous, and so excited!!!!! I had a minor panic attack when I learned that my RE whom I love had an emergency appendectomy the night before!!! Poor guy! Please pray for his healing. Consequently he will not be doing my transfer.... :( They scheduled me with a different RE who, I have been told is just as excellent. They called me today just to check in on me since I had burst into tears the day before haha. But to be fair, these meds make me burst into tears allll the time. It was so sweet of them to call and check though.... My family has been quick to remind me that this too is God's plan, no accident. She was chosen to handle my babies for whatever reason :) So here we go.... The thaw will happen tomorrow AM and the transfer at 1:00 pm Let's pray protection over these precious souls!!!!! God, be glorified tommorow. Jesus, please allow the thaw to go flawless, and my embryos to continue in their growth. Give my new doctor steady hands, and my babies safe passage where they can snuggle in and thrive! I trust them to you Lord, you love them even more than me. I ask this in your name, Amen And for fun... Here is a huge family photo we took for my hubby's 30th bday party :) We have never gotten everyone in one pic! This is both my side and Brian's