Confirmation!

A little bit of good and a little bit of sad...The sad being, I am not miraculously pregnantThe good being that my cycle showed up EXACTLY when it was supposed to!!! Exactly 15 days after my positive OPK, giving me a perfect 14 day luteal phase! I still consider that to be something of a miracle!!!! My body actually had a successful cycle!!!! A shocking 31 day cycle! So, I will continue to exercise, drink my lemon water, take my vitamins, MACA, and eat my greeny leafy salads :)There's no harm in trying!!!And in separate news, we are still praying and pursuing possible adoption avenues. We know that this is something God is calling us to do, we just don't know what avenue we will do it through yet or when. The timing feels a little off with the twins still being small. We have both prayed about it and feel like we would be best suited with a child under 1 at this time. That could change as the kids get older... But for now I feel like that is an age group we can easily take on.
We talked with our pastor about it and are meeting with some families and friends who have a lot of experience with it. So, for now we are just praying about it and seeing where God leads us. The last few days we have been doing some photo shoots for Brian's book cover. It's been so much fun! We arrived at the location to take pics and discovered the bridge that takes us to the forest site was flooded! Being the determined people we are, we forged on! Lol I removed my boots and hiked up my gorgeous dress and waded through the icy waters. I could hardly breathe with my corset threatening to squeeze the life out of me hahaha. We ended up with some great initial shots to play around with, but will be going back again to be thorough.We also have a second professional editor who has freely offered her services! What's more exciting is that a Christian publishing company has picked up Brian's novel and is offering to publish!!! It's all coming together and it couldn't be more exciting :)

A few very unedited behind the scenes, teaser pics

I am aiming for a miracle...

So 2 weeks ago I got my first period post FET transfer. It was a 39 day cycle-yikes.

Since then, I have been running regularly, drinking lemon water in the morning, taking my prenatal so plus MACA, and eating a LOT of dark leafy greens. In hopes this will help with my PCOS side effects and maybe, just MAYBE give me am ovulated cycle.

Well, turns out, it's working!!!! I got a positive opk yesterday! Woo hoo! That's crazy awesome! Hubby and I have been having a blast trying, "the old fashioned way" lol, it won't hurt, that's for sure. And ya know what? God can do whatever He wants, and HE hears our prayers, so I am gonna go ahead and ask for a miracle! ... It won't hurt, that's for sure ;)

Our Christmas was so much fun.

The kids were spoiled rotten. They got these awesome new plasma scooters. We play on them through out the house every night. I used the cardboard boxes they came in to make a giant slide on our stairs haha.

Soooo many new toys.

And the Sunday before Christmas, Ronan sang on stage forth e first time!!!! I was directing a A kids Christmas choir. Ronan really wanted to sing too. He did GREAT!!!! Total proud momma moment.

The twins are really playing well together, and with Ronan. I love seeing them bond. They make up the silliest games together.... What's. Great life I have!!!

I am still working through the editing and beta reading aspects of Brian's novel. There are 5 of us in total. Our goal is to finish it by March. Then it goes off to the first editor. Then to the second editor... Then hopefully for publishing by July or August. Eeek!!! I'm so excited! It's soooo good! Can't wait to share it with you all! My husband is brilliant :)

Give me a life of struggles, atleast I will always have YOU

Things have been very busy as you can expect from the Holiday season. I have been dealing with episodes of croup, crazy schedules, family time, and lots of hustle and bustle in the middle.
During this time I have felt myself think in my head... "What would I have done right now if I HAD gotten pregnant?!" I honestly don't know how I would be managing.The boys are SO much heavier, but still haven't reached the stage where they will just hold my hand and follow me. I still have to carry them to get from place to place. I would be house ridden. Thank you God for always knowing best.

It still stings, and I get pangs of pain here and there why I reflect and realize what I have lost.
What has made it increasingly difficult is finding out a very close relative is expecting and watching her go through her pregnancy, knowing how close we would be in terms of stages in development.
I will admit, a lot of it is pride. I failed. Me. My body wasn't good enough. Or my embryos weren't good enough. She can get pregnant so easily. I can't.

I am working on that part, but its more of a heart thing.

Today as I drove to church, I was thinking about the extra money I had to throw down to replace my broken iPad ( that one of my sweet children broke) to retrieve my data and memories, and how we have a dentist bill to cover. I thought about how little time I get to spend with my husband because he has to work over time to make more money to cover these types of unexpected payments. I thought about Ivf in general and how it stinks that women with these diseases don't get fair coverage... I thought about all of these struggles and frustrations... The I was hit with such a beautiful reminder... I HAVE loving, dedicated husband who works his butt off for us. he HAS a stable job, we make money enough to repair and place, pay off bills, save... i have access to a clinic who treats my disease. Atleast I CAN have children.

I imagined a life where I didn't have any of these inconveniences. Where I was like "those other people" who have it all together ( as if they really exist HA)... Then I realized, I Am thankful for struggles. I need them, because if I didn't have them, I wouldn't need God. This life will never be perfect. Never. It's not Heaven. I can try all I want to make it the best dwelling possible,but there will ALWAYS be something. Who cares!!! As long as I have my Savior, as long as He is with me, I am never alone. I always have the promises of my future with Him.

So that is where my head has been :)

In other more fun news, the boys have all moved into the SAME ROOM!!! I think this will have to be a separate post of its own though hahaha. Just wait. It is so cute! It makes me so excited about bunk beds!!!!

Oh.... And in 2 more days, my 3 year old is turning 4!!!! How is this possible???????

What's next?

Brian and I met with Dr B to discuss future options if we should decide to continue expanding our family.

We discussed everything from Clomid and timed intercourse, to mini IVF and back to conventional IVF.

We feel very certain that our family is not complete yet. We have always dreamed of a large family. We are not rich though lol, so we need to consider all our options and discuss the route we should take.

He recommended either returning to injectibles and IUI ( since that worked for Ronan- albeit after 6 attempts) and our insurance stopped covering any monitoring for infertility cycles... So each try would be 2,500 dollars.... That adds up pretty quick and doesn't have high success rates.

He also recommends Conventional IVF. He did not think I was a good candidate for mini IVF ( which is essentially low dose meds IVF cycle- you look to retrieve only 2-3 eggs... But after a lot of thought, this just seems like a fancy IUI... The reason I am not a good candidate is that my egg quality isn't that great, in the sense at out of 20 mature eggs only 13 fertilized naturally ( most likely because my eggs are "tougher" harder to penetrate due to my PCOS ) of the 13 we only ended up with 2 amazing blasts and 2 to freeze. Obviously those weren't healthy since they stopped growing.

So the odds of getting a perfect blast to transfer from just 2-3 eggs isn't very good. And then the cycle is a bust.

So IUI or back to IVF... Part of me wanted to try to IUI again, but Brian remembers how horrible it was... So emotional and so many negatives...

He instead thinks our best chance to finish our family ( we have always wanted 4- any more would be incredible blessings we would take happily) but we will be just thrilled if we only got one more child.

So the best chance would be to return to conventional IVF.

However, we aren't rich so..... That means saving for a year. I would actually be okay waiting longer since im only 28.

It's pretty overwhelming... But it's the desire of our hearts. There isn't anything else that we put above family ( besides our relationship with God) we don't long for a bigger, nicer house, or new cars, or this or that... No, our passion is in children. 

We also want to adopt, but don't feel ready for that step quite yet. 

During our time off I am going to be taking some herbal supplements and track my cycles to see if I can ovulate on my own. It would be an amazing blessing to get pregnant naturally. I know it CAN happen.. So why not try? If we did get pregnant we would be done and all that money would go into savings! I know.. I know... I dream, but God can do anything!!! Maybe He will give me a surprise miracle?

Anyway, that is our update :)

I am looking forward to this step back from trying and excited for the holiday season with my amazing boys ( and man ;)

They are growing up so fast and this is definitely my favorite stage!!!!

A positive thing that is coming from all this, is that I have nothing holding me back from coaching again next season, so that is something I look forward to . God used me SO much last year, I am excited to go back.

The other project that I am working on is managing the advertisement/ marketing of my husband's first novel. It's currently in the beta reader stages and in a few months will be off to its final stages of editing! We plan to have it out out for sale by summer 2014.

It's all very exciting and I cannot wait to see others fall in love with this book like I have :)

Thank you blogger friends for sticking with me during this journey. I feel like a masochist at times... Wanting and desiring something that my body doesn't want to cooperate with... It's painful and a battle, but as my husband reminds me daily, as he gazes at our lively boys " would you trade it for anything though?"

Absolutely not.... I will fight... Until God takes away my desires, or puts new ones in my heart ( which believe me, I pray for often) I will continue to fight!

Negative

Brian and I had to say goodbye once again.... Painfull, but we are honestly OKAY. We trust our Lord and Savior. This isn't our first experience with heart ache and God has taught us well how to respond. We never regret trying, we never feel remorse for the money we save up for the chance to build our family. More than having a bigger house or nicer things, this is what we choose to invest in. We meet with our RE next week to go over this cycle and discuss options for the future. We are heart broken that we didn't get to meet this beautiful one, but hopeful God will bless us atleast just one more time... Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers

The roller coaster....

If you have ever experienced any form of infertility and treatment, you will understand this. Stuck on bed rest, life happening around me, and I am just stuck here in this bed with nothing to do but think. Think, pray, distract myself.... One minute I am optimistic, encouraged, pumped and excited! Then I am horribly discouraged. My mind brings back the words that shook me to the core, " you lost one" And the odds 50% flash in my mind. Fear, panic, loss.... Then there are times, very brief, where I am just in absolutely peace of whatever may come. I remember my eternal perspective. I remember how there is more to life than this current struggle. That I am eternally blessed beyond measure. I love those moments. I wish I could stretch them out more. I am working on it.... Then I return back to how deeply I desire to have just one more baby.... How much it would stink to loose those one too.... Then the fear and panic sets back in. Just once I wish getting pregnant was easy haha. Anyway, that's my brain right now.... My back is sooooo sore from laying flat all the time. Ugggghhhhh! Only one more day of bed rest after this!

Meet my little fighter :)

Here is our only surviving embryo.... Praying he or she can beat the odds!