Roller coaster..

That is what yesterday felt like.

So I was getting excited for my appt. I was really hoping they would say my lining was already really low so we could go ahead and start ASAP. In the back of my mind I ALSO knew that my uterus was feeling heavy, I was having lower back pain... just waiting on good ol' Aunt Flow ;) Then ofcourse there is the VERY slim chance that I could be pregnant... but again, VERY SLIM. So I head into my appt, then do the ultrasound and immediately he can see that my lining is thick, atleast 12 mm. He then looks at my ovaries- Left side is typical with lots of tiny little ones, the biggest around 9 mm. Then to my right ovary which has a bunch of little ones and WHOA a big ol one what is oddly shaped and was obvious to my doctor as a corpus luteam.. wait, I actually ovulated? On my own??? So now he is saying he wants me to take a test in office. I already peed before the appt so... oops. Instead I agree to take a test at home before starting my provera to induce AF.

I was nervous... stupidly nervous. I was so scared to be pregnant on my own. So scared the same thing that happened with Adriel would happen again. NOT AGAIN! Suddenly I was sure I was pregnant... I took the test and there couldn't have been a WHITER second line. DEFINITELY negative. I wasn't sad. I literally was not sad. I was so scared. Part of me thinks it would have been great, cheaper, and ofcourse knows that God is in control. But the other part of me felt like I was right back there, where I was when I lost my baby.

So now I started my Provera, even took a second test to make SURE it wasn't faulty, and it was also very negative. Now I just hope that darn period shows up soon :)