Lord give me perseverance...

I know that for me motherhood is something that has to be fought for. For me each child that I hope to bring into this world is going to be planned, prayed for and very very longed for. I know and understand the effects that PCOS has on my body- but today is just a hard day.
I of course am not intending to say that if God didn't want to blow my socks off and create in me a beautiful unplanned pregnancy He couldn't- God is clearly bigger than that, just as I believe that we could use all the medically intervening technologies out there and still not become pregnant if God had not ordained it.
I am simply stating that today kinda sucks. My heart is deeply aching for another child. I never knew it would ache like this after having one already. It's a curious thing... I enjoy and am SO thankful for every moment with my Ronan, I truly am. My heart just wants to expand. I long to see Ronan cuddle his little brother or sister, play games, get into mischief together... I also long for those moments just after birth, when all your little one wants is to be near you, hear your heartbeat, feel your warmth, nurse and sleep :)
Growing up I knew I would be a wife and mother. It was my deepest desire above all else. I have always wanted a large family, I just really need perseverance right now, to get through this time of waiting and not knowing...

I am 9 DPO, took a test this afternoon- appeared to be a bfn, I think my crazy eyes thought they might have seen a shadow of a line, but I doubt it... Wishful thinking.
I know it is too early to throw in the towel this cycle completely, but I am definitely feeling down...