heart broken...

I don't even know where to begin.

I took a test last night 10 DPO. Brian and I stared at the test together in the bathroom as we watched the dye move across the result window. We saw a tiny shadow pop up, and then it got lighter and lighter. It was barely there but we both saw it. We held it up to the light and saw it. I allowed myself to get cautiously excited. When I went back to look at it later I didn't see the line anymore, and when I held up unused tests to the light I saw a vaguely similar shadow. My heart sunk and I prayed that this morning I would be pleasantly surprised with a darker line... Nothing. We were visiting family in WA for the weekend and it was the worst place to have to grieve.
I couldn't find anywhere to be alone. There were so many people there. My wonderful and loving mother in law held me in her arms and cried with me. My sweet sister in law also gave me words of encouragement and hugs... I felt loved, and blessed, but still so so hurt.
I felt so MANY things. Shame for my body failing again, embarrassment that I LET myself get briefly excited, fear for what would happen next, angry that God gave peace to Brian, my mom, and mother in law that THIS was the cycle. And angry that I felt God was leading my heart that way too. I felt betrayed. I felt deep loss and frustration.
My head started hurting and I think I got emotional whiplash :/ We called our RE to find out if we could talk tomorrow (when we get our blood test to confirm) about where to go next. ONLY to find out that my doctor is away until the 18th. *sigh*
The nurse will be there tomorrow and hopefully I will get my questions out there, and REALLY hopefully get some reassurance. I am planning on taking a short break. I don't want to move forward without my dr. As much as it sucks to wait, he is worth waiting for.
I never would've thought that building my family would be such hard work. I never knew how much faith it was going to require. I was NOT prepared for the fight it would take, and would take OUT of me, but I don't give up easy. Especially when it is a desire given to me from God. My body may suck, and lack cooperation, but my heart is stronger, my faith is stronger. Even when I do not understand for a second what is going on, or WHY, I KNOW without a doubt that God loves me. He created me this way for a reason, and gave me these desires for a reason. I am meant for this fight and I am meant to win. With God, I will.