Trust, wait, give it away...

With a heavy heart and emotions running high, I search for you
I am isolated and scared, I am anxious and fearful.
I distract myself with e-mails, movies, and cleaning.
an impatient boy cries for my attention, his eyes pleading for more stories.
I sit with my son and read him endless books. We play puppets and stack towers.
Again my heart rings out unexpectedly. I thought I had pushed that ache out!
I stuff it back down and silently ask for peace, as I do so, more emotions come.
My eyes are now stinging and I want nothing more than a quiet room.
A room to scream, cry and be held by you.
Somewhere dark, where I can fall on my knees and worship.
I am verging on hysteria, my tears can't be held back much longer.
I hold my son, smell his hair, rocking him as long as I can before he wiggles away.
In those brief moments of snuggle time I thank my Lord for that gift,
then the panging returns and my heart is aching now more than ever.
When will I be gifted again? Will I ever nurse another child?
Will I ever feel that movement again in my womb?
I worry about failing, our finances. My mind takes dark turns...
I blame myself for this disease, I think if my husband had married anyone else,
SHE certainly would be able to fill this void.
Am I not good enough? Am I not a good enough mother? a good enough wife?
Worst of all... am I not a good enough Christian? Is this punishment?
I am now in a really dark place and all I feel is shame.
All I desire is to be a mother of children, it's the way I have always been...
You made me this way Lord, You created me to love children,
to desire to nurse them, care for them, respect them and raise them in Your name.
Why then is achieving this goal so hard? Why then is it running me to the ground?
Why is this trial threatening to steal the joy out of my life?
Better yet, why do I allow it to?

Silence...

"Trust me".... Okay. But how do I do that?...."wait".... How long do I have to wait?

more silence.

God please just give me peace. Please meet me here right now, this very moment! Please wrap your arms around me and give me the strength to trust Your plan. I am a sinner and want to control everything. I want to have everything planned out MY WAY. I want to know what will happen, and I want it to happen soon...

"give it to Me" ....

That is a lot to ask Lord...

I am giving that desire to control to you, every day if I have to. I love You more than my desire to have more children. I choose YOU. I choose to be thankful everyday for my husband, I choose to be thankful for my son. I choose LIFE and I know that you know my heart's desires.
I know I need to stop worrying Lord, I know I need to trust you and wait on You. I know that you are going to use this for good for YOUR glory in YOUR time. All I need to do is trust, wait and give it to you. I will do that Lord, I will do it because I love You.

I will never give up, I will never give in. I won't allow myself to wander those dark paths. I choose you. I choose life.

Thank you for being my God, for giving your son to die for us that we may have eternal life in Heaven with you.
You are so good God. Mysterious... but always good.