With all this bed rest and time on my hands, I find that Satan is having a "hay day" with my thoughts. I have been giving myself over to worry, anxiety, paralyzing fears of the "what ifs"...
I worry that this blood clot will never go away. That it will suck the life right out of my miracles, or cause me to deliver these perfectly healthy babies before their ready.
I worry that I will deliver two still born babies and there is literally NOTHING I can do to prevent it...
I know what I am "supposed to do"... The problem is that I scared. I am scared to give it to God because I do not know what He is going to ask me to do...
What if God asks me to fall in love with these babies, but allows the blood clot to destroy their lives, leaving me with the unbearable agony of living without them?
Those are my fears... so there you have it. I am a completely weak human being. How can I call myself a Christian?
Do I not know and believe that God loves these children as much as any other, as much as ME?
That HE purposefully breathed life into them and already knows amount of days they will live?
That HE is in control of their destiny and all the worry and anxiety I produce is only damaging to my mental and physical health???
That I am wasting my life and time on these negative thoughts???
Do I not know that God is good? And that no matter WHAT i can TRUST Him?
What kind of child of God am I, that I have so little faith?...
I want to enjoy every moment I am pregnant.
I want to anticipate each stage of their development and look forward to their birth!
I want to rejoice in the moment, without the fear of what MAY be...
I want to love and trust God, worship Him during this time.
I want to make it through this bed rest and try to somehow enjoy it, learn something about myself.
I want to see Ronan become a big brother and embrace his new siblings.
I want to come out of this a stronger, better woman.
I will appreciate every day I don't bleed ( which is currently 7 days and counting)
I will focus on the good things, and hold on to hope!
I will remind myself that the odds are in my favor, and it is rare to loose a baby to a blood clot.
I will trust God to lead me and my family. I will trust Him with my babies.
I will stop resenting Brian for being able to get out of the house and take his mind off our troubles- and thank God he has such a good job that provides for us.
I will be the best wife and mom that I can be while on bed rest.
I will honor God during this time...
Lord, I am so weak. Please forgive me. Help me to trust you. Lord, you are so good, and I insult you by worrying and being fearful.
I do ask that you heal my body and remove the blood clot, and until you do, I will relax, and have faith.
Thank you for loving me. I cannot wait to spend ETERNITY with you!
Amen.
Beautifully written, Melissa. Praying for your little miracles.
ReplyDeleteMelissa,
ReplyDeleteI can really understand how you feel and how your fears are so real to you. And yet your faith is still there. You are still trying to figure out how to respond to your fears and your situation in light of your deep faith. I think that's what God wants of us. Relationship with Him. As you know I am awaiting my own news and I have no idea what it will be. I have lately been praising God no matter the news and asking Him to protect my emotions through this process that He led me into. I'm giving everything over to Him. I understand you are falling in love with them and that's the way it should be. Trust God with everything including your emotions throughout this. He is a good God and he truly cares for you! Ccartanddesign