IUI #3

Totally forgot to update! Sorry! IUI went really well. I met with the same DR. I had the other day, we talked again, and he eased my worries about 15 mm being too small to trigger. I also gave myself one vial of meds (half the dose) around noon, 8 hours before I gave myself the trigger, in hopes of beefing up those 4 biggest eggs.

To review, I had on my left ovary a 15, 14.5, 14, and 13. Hopefully the vial, and time bumped them up to atleast 16, 15.5, 15, and 14 by the time of trigger. Once triggered they continue growing until ovulation occurs (approx. 36 hours later) during the 36 hours they most likely grew another 3 mm each, putting them all around the 20's.
The IUI was really fast and he said it went in really easy. Brian had a great count, as usual :) The RE offered to give me an u/s afterward to see the follicles, but I just don't want to get caught up in obsessing over this. I just want to trust, and have faith that this time is *it*. My mom, and my husband both seem to feel very at peace with this cycle and have a lot of faith. I am trying so hard to be there. In a way I am, and I do get excited about it, but logically I start to prepare myself in case it doesn't. I start to line things up in my head and make plans for the next cycle.

On the home front, things are going really well :) Ronan is loving the spring weather and getting out as often as possible. Going to the park is his favorite pass time. The swings, the slides, he loves it all. Today on our walk he discovered a love for puddles :)
Oh, lol and leggings hahaha... don't ask ;)




and... dancing on the guest bedroom in some leggings ;)

CD 9 decisions, decisions...

Since CD 6 I have noticed an increase in EWCM and fullness in the abdominal area, specifically the right side. I was nervous that the cyst was still there. When arriving at the doctor's office I told the on call DR. of my concerns before she began and she thought it was maybe the cyst hanging around. She was wrong.

My right ovary had four follicles above 13.

15, 14.5, 14, and a 13. Along with those were fourteen 12's and 11's. My RE (DR. B- who is currently on VACA) never worries about the 12's and 11's. They are kind of just a signiture of my PCOS and never release at the time of trigger. However, try explaining that to a DR. who doesn't know your body and is worried that EACH 12 contains a follicle that is going to possibly fertilize. I understand their responsibility to be safe and careful. I am thankful for that. I just wish my doctor had been there today. They told me that they could do another follicle aspiration, they do them all the time and there is only minimal risk. They told me I am also having an IDEAL cycle for IVF and they could easily convert into IVF for me. The option was also to trigger tonight. I just wasn't sure about triggering when they are so small still. Their hope was that only a few would mature and the others die off. My fear is that they all would and it would be a big fat bust.

As for IVF, had DR. B been here... I think I would have seriously considered it. People pay thousands to get the results that I got from my 200 dollar meds, and our insurance covers most of the rest, besides their management fees. I just do not feel prepared to take this step without DR. B. I trust him.

They called me a little bit ago with my estrodiol numbers... CD 9: 952. To give you a little comparison, my last two cycles on CD 9 they were around 400. The cycle I got pg with Ronan on cd 9 they were around 70.

They talked to me about follicle reduction again... To be honest I just don't know how I feel about it. Actually I do. I am not comfortable doing that again. I know they are just follicles. They aren't babies. But I guess I just feel like, in doing the reduction I am eliminating the follicles that could potentially be the one that the Lord ordained to be my next child. Maybe I am stupid for feeling this way, but it's my gut.
If they refuse to do my IUI with the amount of follicles present- with the exception of a follicle reduction, we will pass on the IUI.

We will trigger and try on our own and just try at home...

***************UPDATE************************

Dr's office just called. She asked again if we would do the reduction. We said no, and i explained why. She was totally understanding :) I was waiting for her to tell me that we would in turn have to cancel the iui... she told me to trigger tonight and we would have an IUI wednesday! I love my RE office :)

We will see what God has in store for this whacky cycle soon enough, as for now I am prepared to possibly move on to IVF, i just want to do it with MY RE.

Thank you in advance to anyone who sends a prayer for us tonight :) I am grateful to all my followers who are supportive!

What an awful morning...

Cd 2 and I went in with Ronan by myself to the baseline...
Disaster #1. Ronan was mostly good, but there was hardly any room for the stroller, when the doctor knocked to come in it was blocking the door, like I had locked him out! I was stuck on the table because I was undressed from the waist down with a little paper thin covering... Dr. b managed to get in, he laughed about it, didn't mind, but I was quite embarressed. Right away I noticed that I had a cyst, it was obvious that it was a corpus luteam, it was pretty floppy looking and collapsed. On the other side I had another one, about 24 mm. He was a little concerned. We talked about possibly taking a break to use some b/c to hopefully see it shrink first. We did the blood work and it came back normal, so he said it would be fine to go ahead and start the meds tomorrow. It will most likely go away on it's own since it isn't producing any hormones. This is what happened once before, the cycle I got pg with Ronan. Estrodiol was 35 so I feel pretty confident it will go away.

We talked about my discouragement. It was kinda mixed because on one hand he said not to be too worried because it can take 3-4 tries sometimes. On the other hand he said the cycles looked really good so he doesn't know why it didn't work other than just timing. I feel very anxious. I feel so scared that if it doesn't happen within the next two tries, my options are very limited. It just doesn't make sense. I got pg on my own! And got pregnant with iui/ injectables last time. I really don't want to think about IVF right now...

Okay, on to disaster #2. I am finally leaving the VERY busy parking lot, Portland traffic is just ridiculous. It really starting to hit me now, the stress, the anxiety, the fear and I start crying, more like sobbing. I put on my sunlgasses to hide my tears, and this guy pulls up next to me whistling and trying to get my attention with cat calls... what the heck? Ofcourse that makes me cry more, then I get lost on my way home because I am crying so much...

Disaster #3 I just realized I forgot the needles... I turn around and make my way back to the parking lot... no parking spots. I finally see someone pulling out and take there spot. I get my needles and head back out...

Disaster #4 I am finally home and call my mom to cry it out with her... She was crying too because our family cat died :'( So we cry some more... Now my head is throbbing. This day stinks. I am just scared of the what ifs...

****** Update******

I have had some time to cool down, take some deep breaths and just speak with God and my ever loving husband. Why do I do this to myself?? Why do I allow myself to worry and to fear? Does the Lord not know my heart? Does he not know my desires? He hears my cries, he sees my tears, he will answer my pleas!

11 “You fathers—if your children ask for a fish, do you give them a snake instead? 12 Or if they ask for an egg, do you give them a scorpion? Of course not! 13 So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him.”

Luke 11:11-13

I trust you Lord, I know you know my circumstances, I know you know my Dr's. I am trusting you with the scariest part of my life. The deepest desire of my heart. It's is all I have ever wanted to be... a mother. A mother of many! Only YOU know the way my children will come to be. You will build my family. It scares me Lord, to not know. I ask that it be your will that it DOES happen within the next couple tries so that I don't need to move on to IVF. If we have to move on to something new, something a little more frightening, i pray that you give me strength and peace. There is no need to worry, you have always taken care of me and blessed me more than I deserve. I love you Lord.

Amen

Fear

Tests are all still negative. Tomorrow I have to do a blood test to confirm what I already know. I talked to one of the nurses about how many of the iui's with injectables he will typically want to do before going on a break, or possibly moving on to something else. She said 4- typically, if there is going to be success with an iui/ injectables cycle, it will happen within the first 3-4 cycles. I know my doctor would do up to 6 iui's with me given my history, but when I hung up the phone I was just filled with fear. Fear that 3-4 cycles is going to go by and all I will be seeing are negative tests. Fear that he will want me to move onto IVF, anxiety when I realize I am already half way there. This is NOT how I saw this going. I guess I felt like I paid my dues with infertility. I found a doctor who treated the symptoms, who helped my body prepare for pregnancy with Ronan. We already did this. It should be EASY this time, right?
It took almost 2 years of trying naturally, a miscarriage, then 5 more months of trying naturally, then finally 6 iui's (over a span of almost 8 months)to get pregnant with Ronan, 4 of those with clomid, only 2 with injectables.

Lord,
please hear my cries. Heavenly Father catch my tears and comfort my heart. Please take away my anxiety so I may rest in your wisdom. I know that your plan is perfect. You have given me a desire and a passion as a mother. I know you intend for me to have more children. Right now I am just scared. If your plan does not include me trying right now, I pray that you would speak to me, speak to my doctor. I ask that you would settle my heart and my desire. I trust you completely. I do not want what YOU don't want for my life. I am so very thankful for all you have blessed me with. I don't understand why you have designed me this way when conception for me is so difficult, but I trust You. I love you Lord. You are my hope and my shelter. Protect my heart and give me peace. And because you say I can... I am going to be bold and ask you to please bless me with another child. Please allow my family to increase in numbers. Please allow me to become pregnant!
I ask these things in Your name,
Amen

Lord give me perseverance...

I know that for me motherhood is something that has to be fought for. For me each child that I hope to bring into this world is going to be planned, prayed for and very very longed for. I know and understand the effects that PCOS has on my body- but today is just a hard day.
I of course am not intending to say that if God didn't want to blow my socks off and create in me a beautiful unplanned pregnancy He couldn't- God is clearly bigger than that, just as I believe that we could use all the medically intervening technologies out there and still not become pregnant if God had not ordained it.
I am simply stating that today kinda sucks. My heart is deeply aching for another child. I never knew it would ache like this after having one already. It's a curious thing... I enjoy and am SO thankful for every moment with my Ronan, I truly am. My heart just wants to expand. I long to see Ronan cuddle his little brother or sister, play games, get into mischief together... I also long for those moments just after birth, when all your little one wants is to be near you, hear your heartbeat, feel your warmth, nurse and sleep :)
Growing up I knew I would be a wife and mother. It was my deepest desire above all else. I have always wanted a large family, I just really need perseverance right now, to get through this time of waiting and not knowing...

I am 9 DPO, took a test this afternoon- appeared to be a bfn, I think my crazy eyes thought they might have seen a shadow of a line, but I doubt it... Wishful thinking.
I know it is too early to throw in the towel this cycle completely, but I am definitely feeling down...

IUI #2

Cycle day 12, and we had our IUI today :)

we BD'ed every other day last week and we still had 56 million perfect swimmers AFTER the wash!

I am now resting for the rest of the day! We had a wonderful weekend at our church. We attended a marriage conference called, "The Art Of Marriage" It was seriously great!!! I loved the topics covered and how interactive it was. We would have projects where we worked together as a couple to complete, and they were so productive. Brian and I felt so reconnected after :)
I love our marriage. I love how healthy it is. I am forever grateful He designed Brian for me.
The best part?? Ronan was away with Grandma and Grandpa- first time ever! I ofcourse missed him, but after the conference Friday night we stay out as late as we wanted, we came home and didn't have to whisper or tiptoe around the house, we could be as loud as we wanted. We played music, laughed, played games with my Brother in law and his wife, who were also attending the conference... We felt like teenagers again. It was just magical. I loved every minute with my man.

One of the projects was writing eachother love notes. They guided us and told us certain areas to address in the letter, and one of the areas was to tell Brian a way that he demonstrated his love in the past and his leadership as a husband.
I realized as I was writing it how many examples I could come up with, but the one that stood out most was when I found out I had PCOS. I found out it was ME that was preventing that long awaited child we both ached for. Just me.
At that time I was so close to believing the lie that I was less than a woman, that other women were better than me and I had nothing to offer anymore. SO CLOSE. My self esteem was as thin as ice. Brian delicately handled me. He treated me so tenderly, he never ONCE threw it in my face, or even joked about anything that could bring me shame. He COULD have broken me if he wanted. completely shattered me. He had that power. I am convinced that any other man would have. We had some hard moments during that time where I know I was not the most fun to live with. Brian was always gentle and loving- He saved me and protected my fragile self esteem. He built me up, strengthened me. He is my hero, my gift from God.

It really was a fantastic conference. SO glad we had the chance to go. Now it's time to pray that my body is cookin' up a baby!!

Lord, I know I don't deserve anything. You are gracious enough to bless me the way you have. I love you Lord, you are so good. You say that we can ask you Lord for anything. I pray with all my heart that it is in accordance to Your will that we conceive a miracle today. I trust that Your timing is the best. I may not understand it, but I trust it. I ask Lord that you allow us this miracle. Allow us to expand our family. Our hearts ache for more children Lord. It is the most beautiful gift. We thank you for Ronan. Every day.
I ask these things in Your name,
Amen

Cd 10 and trigger shot!

I seriously cannot believe I triggered on CD10! WOW! The u/s went well. My lining was 11.5 and my follicles on the left ovary went from 13, 11, and 10 to 19.5, 16 and 12. Which leaves me with 2 good solid follies :)
On the right I had about five 12 mm's but my doctor didn't seem too concerned. I got the go ahead to trigger that night. I am not even going to go into full detail about the nightmare to get my ovidrel, I will just say that it involved me driving back and forth from Portland many times. The shipping got all messed up and yeah... it was just a nightmare. The important part is that we GOT the medicine and I injected it at 8:00pm! It was a little weird though, you see we were at a marriage conference at our church, Ronan is having his first sleep over at Grandma's. And so during the conference I had to sneak out to the bathroom and give myself the injection lol. Really weird, but strangely fun haha. I took it a little earlier than last time. They say to take it sometime between 8-10pm. I felt like I ovulated a little bit after the iui, which I am sure was just fine, but I began to worry that with Brian's super swimmers that if they were placed in my uterus before the eggs was there, that they would just swim right on out of my tubes and into the uterine cavity- which is what can happen... So I figure, the egg is good for 24 hours I took it RIGHT at 8, where as before I took it around 9:30pm. It probably makes no difference, but I like to feel like I have some control lol.

Anyway that is all for now :) We go back for our second day at the marriage conference tomorrow, I am super excited, then my parents are bringing my boy back home :) I miss him so much already!!!