My house is ever changing...

I often rearrange furniture, and love changing things up in the house. I have been like this ever since I was a kid. I would even doodle up a blue print type map and draw out how I wanted to move it, then ask my daddy to do it for me (often while I was sitting in church- shhhh)

Now, I am a big girl, and I do it all myself ;)

I can't remember if I mentioned it on here, but ever since the Super Bowl ( when we had family over) and Ronan gave up his queen sized bed, to sleep on a crib mattress in my closet, he is STILL there. It is like... His new room haha. He even has his own drawer in there now. He keeps his binky, nigh night pull ups, favorite toys, and cars in there. It really doesn't bug me at all... Actually, I kinda like it :)

Ronan's room is now back to a guest bed/ playroom.
The twin's room is also home to many many toys, and each kid has their own crib now.

It is so fun watching them grow and change!!! Ronan is making friends left and right. He loves to play soccer, tag, hide and seek, throwing rocks lol, and playing "trolls" :)
We met a family at the park, and Ronan, and the little boy became instant best friends. It was so beautiful seeing how happy it made him. Turns out they were only 3 days apart!!! Crazy. It led me to spend sometime with the mom, and she and I are now becoming friends :) play dates are in the future!!!

Kaden and Trystan, are pulling up, cruising, holding their own bottles, laughing, eating Cheerios, pirate booty, mum mums, oatmeal, various fruit and veggies, and even had some chicken tonight!
They still are not sleeping consistently through the night. Well, mostly Trystan. Kaden sleeps pretty well. But since they share a room... Well... Yeah.
Ronan loves playing with them now. He gets down on all fours and crawls with them :)
I love seeing them show love to each other. It's what I have dreamed my whole life...
I find myself so completely content and happy these days. I remember my heart ache, my fear, my pain, so well. I dont think I will ever forget. And I honestly am thankful for it. I am thankful GOD has been, and always will be in control of my journey.

On a separate note...
I have had the opportunity to really be there for some ladies in my life who are going through similar situations. And it just confirms what I already know. God is using me. I am so thankful to be able to have this knowledge and experience so I CAN help!

My heart also aches for a fellow blogger who has had a very heart aching, roller coaster journey.
I really don't even know the words to pray for her... I guess just peace. She is grieving the loss of her full term daughter, born sleeping. This after years of infertility, failed Ivf, an adoption that fell through after 11 days of bonding with the baby... It's just all too much.
There are some things I will never understand, and I am not even going to try. Just please pray for this family. God knows them, he knows their needs... I am just so broken for them....

Praying for you all, wherever you are in your journeys. May God always be present!

This is how I get around now...

We changed the boy's cars eats. It was too heavy carrying them around I n their carriers, and they were almost out grown!!!!
So, this is now how they are carried around lol. This is me with the boys at play group :)

An epiphany...

Almost 8 years ago Brian and I were married, I was 19, he was 21. As soon as we were married, and the possibility of having children was finally possible ( we both waited until we were married to be intimate) it was almost all I could think about. I had very little education on the matter. Every time we would have sex, I would almost always wonder, could I be getting pregnant right now? Maybe I will be one of those people who gets pregnant on birth control. It seems like I knew so many who did! After all, it was my hope, my dream. My heart's desire!

Once I educated myself and realized that it wasn't "adding up" for me, I had a gut feeling this wasn't going to be as easy as I had imagined. It wasn't going to be like it was on tv.

After the loss of my miracle baby I was finally diagnosed with PCOS. I was pretty much miserable. In my prayer time with God, my love never wavered, but I was so angry with Him.
"God, why? Why on earth did you create me this way? It feels so cruel!" God designed me to love children, to desire to have my own, to long for the intimacy of pregnancy, and nursing, yet... Withhold it from me? I could not understand Him. It was the most painful ache I could even imagine. I could literally feel the gaping emptiness in my womb. My uterus felt cold, dark, broken. My arms had nothing to hold. I would stare at my empty guest bedrooms and imagine what it would look like to put baby things in them. I would pretend to hold a small, warm little baby. His or her head resting on my shoulder, my chin brushing against their soft fuzzy baby hair, smelling that glorious baby smell. Then the tears, the hot tears that would inevitably follow.

It wasn't until just now that I feel like this journey was very specifically designed for me. Don't get me wrong, I have ALWAYS known that God was in control on my journey, and knew all the details to come. And I do not believe God "cursed me" with this, or that it was caused by "unconfessed sin". I know that we live in a world of sickness and death. However, I recently RE asked myself the question, "why God? Why out of allll the ailments in the world do you allow me infertility?"

And the answer was so obvious. I felt like God gifted me with infertility because He wanted to heighten, to deepen, to make the ONE THING that I desired so much, to mean EVEN MORE!!! He didn't give it to me right away, or even when I begged and pleaded. He grew my anticipation, He forced me to wait because He was going to bless me SO abundantly, and He wanted me to just BASK in the beauty of it all. The redemption.
He knew I was going to have 3 boys under 3, and while most people would be overwhelmed by the thought, I still feel the butterflies in my tummy each time they smile at me. He gave me that.
I never take them for granted. He gave me that. When they are screaming, crying, waking up at all hours, I am TIRED, but so, SO blessed. He gave me that!!!!
My husband and I look at our journey. We look at the family He has built for us, on earth AND in heaven. He did that... He gave me a husband who would be just righty for this journey too. I can not imagine any one of my ex boyfriends who could have done better, or any other man for that matter. I cannot imagine anyone else who could have done better. My husband is my hero, a true gift from God.

So, when you ask "why God? Why did you give this to me?" .... Don't feel frustrated if you cannot understand it now. It may reveal itself to you later, or not until we meet our Savior face to face. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that God loves you. He wants GOOD things for you. He is so mysterious, but so good. Trust Him, even when you don't want to.

Thank you God. Thank you for leading me, for building my family the way YOU wanted. I feel your love today. I see your works in my life, and I am so blessed.

There is something about infertility...

That just changes you permanently...
I was cleaning underneath my sink and came across some ovulation tests, pg tests, basically my TTC stash. I pulled it out and had this instinctual thought, "I wonder when, or, if I will ovulate this cycle. I should test so that *just in case* I do, we can atleast TRY"... Then I was smacked with reality... What??!!
In NO way what so ever, do I want to be pregnant right now. At alllll. It was just an instinct.
Then my heart wandered back my my TTC days. My support group. Justmommies.com.

I visited my old board this morning, which I still consider to be my home away from home. "once an infertile, always an infertile", which is a saying that i always hated. I soooo wanted to prove my fertility, i wanted to appear as a normal woman. You know the kind that gets "oopsy's" and randomly throws up one morning and realizes she is pregnant ;).
Now, i couldn't wear my badge of "infertile" any more proudly. Some times, people who dont know me, or my journey, look at my life and automatically assume that I am a fertile myrtle. I don't necessarily blame them. Not many 26 year olds have 3 children under 3. But, I find that I *have* to correct them. I need them to know that each of my children were fought desperately for. That they are God given miracles. I don't care what their response is. It just needs to be known. I am not one of those women. I am the one who went through Hell, who cried desperately when she thought it was hopeless. Who died a little inside when one of her miracles died inside her. I put my heart on the line in faith that this journey was God's and that He would redeem me, however that meant.
and as I was reading through the ladies stories on the forum,their struggles, hopes and fears, my heart just ached.
I wish I could give every woman in the world who is struggling with loss and infertility a big hug.
The journey is not one I would ever want to make again. I just pray that each one of them experiences the peace, the trust, the hope that God can provide. The absolute truth that God will not lead you down a path that you cannot handle. It may not end the way you would have planned, but when does life ever turn out exactly as we thought it would? But, whatever your story is, God will make it beautiful, if you only let Him.

The boys are growing by leaps and bounds. Ronan is starting to learn how to write or draw his letters. He loves to draw the letter C. Unfortunately he also came down with a cold. The bonus for me? He is super snuggly when he is sick. I adore snuggling my Ronan. I could do it all day long :) Heaven.
Kaden and Trystan are teething, which means... Fussy :) they are also mastering their army crawls, and Kaden even pulled himself to a sitting position, from a laying down position!!!
Last night Kaden kept rolling onto Trystan in their crib. Crawling on top of him, and pulling on his face and hair... Poor Trystan. It must have happened 3+ times. Time for a second crib.
Our little house is getting pretty cramped :) and it's only going to get smaller lol. We don't plan on moving until we are expecting #4. Which feels really weird to type... I skipped the whole trying to conceive #3 step...

Here are some pics from this week. The first one is Kaden. Whenever I bottle feed him, he feels this need to shove his hand into my mouth and grab my bottom teeth. He falls asleep this way haha.

Have a great week everyone.

Happy new year!!!

It's 2:30 am and I am up for a midnight feeding. I figured I would take this blessed moment to wish you and yours a happy new year.
I spent most of 2012 feeling weak and limited due to a twin pregnancy. This year I am enjoying a stronger body, and am training with my husband for an event called The Warrior Dash. It's an awesome excuse to get back into ideal shape and it's benefits go to St Jude's.

The boys are growing and blessing me every day, yes alll if them, including my husband. His love for me never ceases to amaze me. Why God saved him for me? I will never know.

Here's a few of my latest pics. The boys are officially mobile! Ronan didn't start crawling until 8 months. Then his first steps were at 9 months.
The twins are 6 months (5 adjusted) and they are rocking on all floors. Mostly scooting backwards and in circles. They always back themselves under the couch lol.
Both are sitting and beginning to sleep regularly through the night, yay!!
They looove their food, and trying new things. Ronan is learning how to play with them, which warms my heart, and has been really into cooking and baking with his mommy :)

I have been thinking a lot on my frozen embryos lately... Can't wait to go back for them. Mostly likely sometime in 2014, but possibly at the end of this year. And depending on the quality and thawing, we hope to only put back one at a time this time.

Brian and I just had a date and saw Les Mis. We both sobbed the whole time... What a beautiful picture of our Savior it painted. What a wonderful Gid we serve. Through the good and the bad, He is our constant.

Okay, time for bed. Goodnight

Hello December!!!!

Last year I was on bed rest for the holidays. I didn't get to do all the Christmas things I wanted to, in fact, I was terrified the entire time, and hardly even enjoyed Christmas.
This year I have gone a little over board :)
My whole house is totally decked out. It is a Christmas wonderland over here. I really need to get some pics :)
Ronan loves all the lights, he is really into the nativity set, and our books about baby Jesus. It's so much fun, and I just couldn't be happier right now!!! This is going t be the best Christmas EVER!!!

The twins are rolling all over the place, and even attempting to army crawl!!! Their adjusted age is only 4 1/2 months! What is going on with them?!

This week we are going to visit our RE and introduce the twins to him. I am so excited to take them back.... And whisper a "hi" to my other two miracles on ice... " mommy will come back for you in a couple years little ones!!"

Brian and I decided not to do presents this year, we are working really hard on getting rid of all our debt. Instead we are doing desert exchanges with our families, and fun homemade cards. E kids will have some presents to open and that will be fun :)

Ronan's third birthday is also creeping up!!!! Next week we are celebrating at me church. We are using one of the big rooms and two bouncy houses :) he chose a "pirate" themed party. He is so excited. We are all going to dress up :)

I have also been learning how to shoot a bow and arrow! I feel very... Katniss ;) my sister took up archery and is showing me the way. We have a sister date coming up, and we're going to a shooting range. I am super excited.

ALSO! Brian and I have decided to do the Warrior Dash September 2013! I have always wanted to do it, but e whole trying to conceive, and pregnancy stuff has always been in the way :)
Nothing is stoping us this year!!!
For anyone who doesn't know, the Warrior Dash is a 3 mile obstacle course/ race for st Jude's Hospital! It's the biggest obstacle course in the world! It is super intense, it mostly fun. By the end, you are just covered in mud :)
I cannot wait to train with Brian and get filthy in September!!!

Also in September we are planning a trip to DISNEYLAND!!!!! I am beyond excited!!!! My whole family is going, so the Grand parents can help watch the kids while Brian and I relive our youth and go crazy on rides!!!! I am literally LIVING for September 2013 lol.

I hope everyone enjoys this Christmas season as much as I am going to. May we all be blessed with love, joy, peace and God's beautiful gift of Jesus!!!!!

Content with my role

My pastor has been giving sermons about manhood vs womanhood. I am not going to go into full detail here, but the sermons have been so moving to me and are helping me shift my focus.

Lately I have been experiencing a misplaced guilt. My whole life I have dreamed about being a wife and at home mom. It's always been my passion, my dream. Of course I have other interests too, aspirations, desires, but none more important than the task of raising children to know and love the Lord. Build up a husband, experience true, self less love, and grow old with my family.
But the world tugs at my heart sometimes. It tells me that as a stay at home mom i an ignorant, that I am lazy, uninformed, uneducated, a shut in, with no social life. The world looks at me with pity, or embarrassment. As if I am wasting my life. And sometimes I believe it. I grow anxious about finding a job, going back to school to prove my intelligence, or to prove that I am still a fun, social woman. I worry I am " losing myself", when I should really be embracing my role.
I don't care what the world says. I AM intelligent!! I have to be a nurse to my children, a preschool teacher, an entertainer lol, and don't even get me started on all my knowledge of reproduction and early pregnancy haha. I am a cook, a maid, I do finances, plan creative date nights, I am an artist, musician, I am available to my neighbors... I am a wife and mom. I am a servant to God. I can't think of anything else much more important. I am finding the beauty, importance and joy in my role!

I am also getting excited about the influence I have over my growing boys. I am the only woman in their life, day on and day out. I have such a beautiful role in how they will grow up and form opinions about women and how they should be treated. These boys are so blessed to have Brian and I, and we are so blessed to have them. I am so excited for our future, and I am enjoying our present. I hope you all are too. And if you are prone to hearing the enemies lies, I pray that you will be able to shut him out!!

No matter what your circumstances are ( I understand that there are women who love to work, and some that wish they could be home, but cannot afford it) this is not to say that you are wrong, in fact, only Satan wants you to feel that way, or experience guilt. Every family is different, and that is okay!!

The enemy would just love to find your week spot and cause you to experience guilt and anxiety. As women, we need to just shut him up and enjoy our roles as women!!!!