It's been a weird cycle!

It's currently day 21 for me. Ever since cycle day 18 I have been having really random LH test results. Anything from really light to almost positive, all within a couple hours of each other. Thank you PCOS ;)
After church i took another just for the heck of it. It was immediately positive, weird. Oh well, who knows what is going on in there!

I have started working on my book, ever so slowly piecing together my thoughts. I currently have 20 chapters/ subjects that God has put on my heart to address. While I feel so small and unqualified to even be thinking about writing a book, I really feel God's leading. I certainly haven't had the MOST tragic experiences, I am not a doctor, or had the best education. I am just a 26 year old, trying to follow my heavenly Father's teachings while pursuing fertility treatments. Go ahead and google fertility treatments and Christianity. It's very disheartening the amount of highly opinionated, much assumed garbage out there.
The following paragraphs are rough drafts (very rough ;)of the "my story" section. I kinda took this snipet right out of the middle, so if it feels like it's starting and stopping abruptly you will know why. Going back, recalling my memories and moments of the hardest times of my life was a little painful, but it has impacted me a lot this week. God will see you through your darkest hours, have faith!
If you're interested, here it is:

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Brian and I talked it over, prayed it over and felt that we were ready. After all, we didn’t know how long it really would take.
I took my first clomid pill and waited to feel it’s magic powers… nothing. I continued on the cycle charting everything from my temperature,cervical mucas to breast tenderness… ANYTHING I was feeling was incorporated in the clomid cycle. CD 21 came around and the only monitoring I was having was a progesterone check. If it was above 10 my OB considered it a “good” ovulation. My result was 17, great! I ovulated! Now all I had to do was endure the dreaded two week wait to see if it worked!
It just so happened that testing day fell on the weekend that I was visiting Sara and her new little boy. Together we huddled into the bathroom, I peed on the stick, and before you say “ew” we’ve done just about everything together , so this wasn’t weird. I set down the test and covered the result window with my hand. We watched the clock and waited until it was time. I slowly lifted my hand and peaked at my results…. One lonely line. "It was the first try" Sara consoled me. It was true, it was just my first attempt, but the defeat was almost more than I could handle. What had gone wrong? I went into the guest bedroom for privacy and cried harder than I ever had before. Little did I know it was the first deep, heart wrenching cry of many many more to come. Brian found me in the room, encircled me with his arms, and he held me as I wept. Together we prayed.
6 more cycles came and went. All negative. We decided it was time for a break, and that further testing was needed. We had laporoscopy, an HSG, and more blood work. ALL NORMAL. The next month I waited for my period to come, it was unusually late. Being too afraid to take another pregnancy test and see that horrid line, I called and made an appt for a blood test. I shook all day, my stomach had 1,000 butterflies trapped inside as I waited for the results. I was at a teachers conference in Portland and even though I was supposed to be paying attention, all I could do was stare at my phone. My coworkers all saw as my phone vibrated. We excused ourselves (yes, they were just as invested in my fertility drama as I was) and I listened intently on the phone as I heard the nurse say to me, “congratulations Melissa, you are PREGNANT” All I could do was cry. My friends immediately thought the worst and encircled me with hugs and support. I somehow managed to speak the words I had longed to say my whole life, “I am pregnant” cries of joy, screaming and celebrating took place and dozens of teachers none the wiser looked at us like lunatics. I didn’t care. I WAS PREGNANT!!! I spent the next few weeks with my hand glued to my belly. I wanted EVERYONE to know. I had all the symptoms and I LOVED it. At 6 weeks I had and early ultrasound to see my miracle. Everything looked perfect. My mom and husband were there crying and holding my hand. Everything looked perfect until they looked at my baby’s heart. No one said anything, but I knew. I knew deep down that something wasn’t right. 55 beats per minute was too slow.
I tried to stay optimistic. Maybe the machine was wrong, maybe the baby’s heart has JUST started beating.
The call I got later only confirmed my fears, “you will most likely miscarry your baby”… I can not begin to express to you how horrible the next few days were… just waiting. I prayed harder than I ever prayed. I prayed for a miracle. Brian and I named our little one Adriel. All this praying for him or her without a name seemed wrong. I made an appt for a follow up ultrasound. It was 5 days away. I could hardly stand the waiting.
The time finally came for the ultrasound. Right away on the screen I saw Adriel. Perfection, with a beautiful heart rate of 171. PERFECT. It was a miracle.
I was filled with joy and it showed! Everything was okay. I could finally breath and enjoy my pregnancy. Everything progressed just as it should. And I couldn’t wait for my next appt, 12 weeks! I knew that at this appointment I was going to get to HEAR Adriel’s heart on the Doppler.
The time came and as my doctor placed the gel on my tummy my husband held my hand and we waited in anticipation to hear that beautiful “thump thump thump”…. “sometimes it’s hard to find” he said. He continued to search with the Doppler. Every once in awhile I would hear something, but my doctor informed me it was my own racing heart he was picking up. Nothing. No heart beat. Fear, complete and utter fear struck me to the bone. He brought in an ultrasound machine, old and grainy but still up and running. He searched and searched until he found the dark sac. Inside was a small white blob of perfection, my Adriel… with no heart beat. My doctor was devastated for us. The odds of loosing a baby after seeing a promising heart rate is very very low. Under 5%. I was sent to the ER for confirmation. I think I blocked most of that visit out of my mind. I remember the DR saying in his very cold clinical words “fetal demise” and something about a D&C.
We scheduled my D&C the Day after Thanksgiving. I remember being so depressed and empty, feeling sick to my stomach with the medicine they gave me. I threw up everything in my stomach prior to the surgery. When they hooked up my IV I was glad. I was so thankful I was being put out. Part of me hoped I never woke up and I could just slip away into Heaven with Adriel.
I did wake up though, and the sudden realization that my womb was utterly empty struck me to the core. “my baby, my baby!” I sobbed to the nurses. They held my hand and cried with me. “ My baby is gone…”

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Thank you LORD for delivering me. What a heart ache that time in my life was. It didn't get easier for quite some time after that either. However, God was with me, and while it hurts to look back and remember- I can see how God touched me and has allowed me to draw off my pain to help others and encourage them. It's amazing to know that my Adriel is in the arms of his creator. What a joyous day when we are reunited.