Reflecting...

As I was sitting at my computer, I was just remembering how 9 short months ago I was feeling completely defeated. I remember wondering if it would EVER happen again, if I would EVER be a mommy. I wondered if I would ever have the chance to feel a life moving inside of me. I wondered if I would ever get to complain about swollen feet, and feeling like a beached whale. I wondered if I would ever get to experience childbirth, and the moment the doctor would hand over to me my long awaited child...

Then I remember the day when it finally DID happen. I still don't know why I took an at home test. It must have been God nudging my heart. Usually I was terrified of tests. I hated seeing that lonely pink line. It seemed to define me in a way... all alone, and no shadow of a line next to it...
But on March 23rd a shadow of a line DID join my solid pink line. I remember calling my mom, telling her what I thought I might have seen. Then, on the 24th, 11 days past ovulation, I took another test, one that was a little more expensive, but much more reliable. In my heart I was terrified of seeing that stupid pink lonely line, but I somehow knew the second line would be there again, but darker... I waited and waited, and BOOM it showed up.
I remember thinking... "no... no way" All my brain kept saying to myself was, "did it really happen?" The logistics of it all came pouring in, "did a sperm REALLY make it's way to my follicle and fertilize it? Did it really make it's way down my fallopian tube and implant itself in my uterus?? Is there REALLY A BABY GROWING IN MY WOMB???" HOW DID THIS HAPPEN??? FINALLY??"

I remember in that moment, being so unsure, but so sure at the same time. I remember the tears that came rushing to my eyes. My heart pounding so fast, and my legs wanting to give out on me. I remember falling to the floor and praising God... Praising him for the miracle he allowed to happen.
I took so many tests that day, and the next day was my blood draw at the clinic to see if I was pregnant. I was so excited I brought my positive tests IN THE OFFICE to show the Nurses haha, they all laughed at me and said congratulations... I must have seemed so silly, but I was so proud of those positive tests.

I will never forget it... Just as I will never forget the very first time I became pregnant with my Adriel. Both such amazing special memories. I'm so thankful that this pregnancy will have a happier ending though. I still miss my Adriel, and I think I always will. I cannot wait to meet him in heaven someday and find out what was so important that God needed to call him home so early. He must be very important up there :)

This blog really has no point but to serve as a reflection I suppose. Remembering the saddness of loosing my Adriel, but also the joy that he brought me when I first found out, and the joy of a second new life, my Ronan. The joys I have felt my entire pregnancy as I have felt him grow. How blessed I have been!!! Thank you Lord for this gift, for the opportunity. I am so thankful that you allowed me the pleasure. This has trully been everything I had hoped for. God, you are TOO good. I am forever thankful for Ronan. I cannot wait to meet him Lord!!! Please keep both of us safe through delivery!
I'm going to meet my son soon!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!